New Beginnings and Old Friends

I’m writing from an apartment in downtown Lugano, Switzerland. My older kiddo (Thing 1) is off at her Graduation rehearsal while my younger is sleeping in and I sit in a quiet apartment listening to the sounds of the city around me. This is a ‘family’ trip of sorts, my girls, myself and their mom (my ex-wife) are all here together sharing space. We’re 5ish days into the trip of maximum togetherness and it’s been great. I am so grateful for this time together. I spent a good 2 hours more or less alone with my ex-wife just talking. We were both relaxed, could have conversation back and forth and just be – open and conversant. It was and has been heretofore better than I could have imagined – even if I came into this with zero expectations.

It’s strange to be in this place, with my family together. Together to celebrate our kid graduating from college. For me, this is so much more than just a celebration of a milestone, it’s a celebration of what she has accomplished. Academically and personally. The growth has been amazing to see and it’s thrilling to experience. She, as it turns out, was the valedictorian of her class. It was a surprise she kept from her mom and I until we heard them say she was graduating summa cum laude and valedictorian of her class. How AMAZING IS THAT??!!

My kids are the center of my world, not to the extent that I live vicariously through them, but in that watching them unfold wings and grow into the people they have always been is a huge privilege.

In my last post I wrote about cheesy movies about love and long-lost relationships. In the past, I’ve had someone laugh at how I get so sucked into movies and television series. I connect with them deeply and emotionally. There was a time when I was bothered when someone would point out how invested I became and how much I “wanted” to have an experience that I saw or read about. I realize now those things were more likely stated as a reflection of who said it than a reflection of me. These days, I have started to really appreciate this silly trait of mine. Something in my heart lights up when I see happiness and love between people. Even if it’s fake entertainment. Happiness encourages happiness. I know there have been (and will be in the future) times when I felt in my heart in real life what I see and feel in film or happy love stories. It’s the same when I see two people who are deeply in love in real life. It’s just nice. I’m fortunate enough to have a front row seat witnessing a few couples who have gone the distance and remain deeply in love. Even in their golden years they still enjoy being close. For me, I’ve had once before; I’ll have it again one of these days. In the meantime, I like the man who looks back at me in the mirror. He’s done some bone-headed things, he’s done some really great things (ie – helped make two great kids with a pretty great person who still seems familiar as an old friend) and has been transformed from the inside out. I have a big heart, a great hug and listening ears. Someday……someday that person will appear and until then I’m grateful to be where I am right now.

Again – more sappiness than deep thoughts, more gratitude than observation. If/when you meet someone in need, listen to them, be kind to them and yourself. Be someone’s port in the storm or rock to cling to.  And as always, stay salty.

Who am I to expect this?

Over the course of the last week or so I’ve had multiple conversations about fear, about gut feelings, the voice of your inner child. I’ve also managed to have a few conversations where I’ve asked old and trusted friends if I sound toxically positive. Given the past 11 months and the transitions (read roller-coaster) I’ve been through (on?) I’m feeling strangely good and optimistic. Of course, Rocco, my guy, would likely ask me why I am questioning this and being a smidge pessimistic. I don’t see it at pessimism. It’s not so much pessimism as understanding my emotional cycles. I have high highs and low lows. Sometimes the vacillation between them can sneak up on me, even when I’m aware of them. The amount of mental gymnastics I perform to figure out what the given trajectory is and if it’s ‘real’ or just me faking myself out again. Of course, it’s all real, and it’s all changing. I can struggle at times and the mood swings can be a bit much. I think this is one of the challenges of being my partner. Maybe the other is once I trust you completely, I let you into the inner space. Until then you’re in and not completely ‘in.’

I’ve written in the past about struggling between taking care of people and being taken care of. Loyalty is very important to me, ironic that someone with my past would say that and still it’s important to me. I’ve had a couple instances where I thought I could trust someone to be there for me and, in the end, it was either too much or when my generosity dried up, they split for greener or at least better-known pastures. Where does this leave me if I’m talking about “Relationships?” I am a relatively sane guy, I have my ups and downs, I pay attention to my moods and communicate how I’m feeling. I am a good listener, thoughtful before I respond and love to ‘do’ for others. I am a consistent friend (sometimes I’m a consistent pain-in-the-ass) and look after people who are important to me. What I miss or hope for is someone who is MY person and for whom I am THEIR person. Full stop with no conditionality.

These thoughts come of course after a trifecta of pop culture meets Peter’s brain-cage. I watched Letters to Juliet earlier this week (yes – judge me – it’s a chick-flick totally predictable and sappily sweet.) The message of two folks coming back to find each other was sweet and couldn’t help but make me wonder and dream a bit. Last night I watched the funeral episode of Ted Lasso, where he fully breaks down and becomes vulnerable, sharing everything with Dr. Sharon ands this morning in the shower, Paul McCartney’s Maybe I’m Amazed played and got me thinking. Do I wish maybe an old love would/will maybe show up someday? Of course I do! It’s stupid Hollywood bullshit and yes – I wish someone would want me badly enough to take a risk and just show up.

Maybe I should blame Van Halen….( https://youtu.be/QPAo0ReyCpE?si=vH5Am6Klg4aZaUi5)

I have friends who are close enough that I can totally let go and still, as I mentioned already, I just want one person, one person who can listen and hear my kvetching while not judging me for it. Someone who knows I’m a good person and loves me for who I am, warts, weirdness, dad-jokes, darkness, lightness, willingness to evolve and everything else that’s me. I wouldn’t mind being so completely taken with someone who is perhaps, also so completely taken with me. Someone who understands…. And loves despite. I thought I’ve had this already and it vaporized into thin air. And I’m not sorry, even if it hurt like hell. It wasn’t meant; they weren’t the right one. What I learned was worth the pain and the recognition of the mistakes I made for myself along the way.

With a little of Sir Paul’s song and lots of happiness I hope if you’re reading this you can be someone’s rock, their port in the storm, be kind to yourself and others. Learn and forgive. And stay salty my friends!!

On Fortitude, the past and hope

Chat GPT’s version of a man out of work for 270+ days and still hopeful…

I just received news I didn’t want to hear and I’m trying my best right now to find the good in this situation. These thoughts are bouncing around my head. I’m hopeful this will help me clear them.

I put on my ‘rewire’ playlist – songs that in the past triggered memories of past experiences and relationships. Of course, the first one out of the gate is Thin Lizzy’s ‘Still in Love with You.’ I associate this tune with what I can only describe as a life changing relationship. While incredibly toxic, this is the one that set me on this journey, the one that opened up my need to write to process and recognize I do have limits. Thinking on that last sentence, Historically, I have done a bad job with establishing my own limits. In relationships I tend to give myself wholly and completely without any expectation of getting anything in return. It’s always felt good to give to people, to help them if I’m able. Reflecting on this, patterns that have emerged, as much as I don’t wish it to be the case, I wonder if I do have a ‘type’ I seek out in relationships. I’m drawn to strong women, tough ones, not tough in the outward sense, but tough in that they have seemingly done big things over the course of their lives – things I’m not sure I am tough enough to do. While I am awestruck at their accomplishments, What I wonder is if they don’t feel particularly tough themselves. When faced with someone who appreciates them completely (all of it – good, bad, ups and downs) – it becomes too much at times. It sure seems that way. I know my own insecurities have gotten in the way of my understanding someone in need – I think this happens more often that not. Then we (the royal We) use language to feel better or feel superior to those we don’t quite understand or threaten our way of thinking. I know I’ve felt judged for my vulnerability when those feelings resonate with others who can’t quite trust their own feelings.

These relationships have given me insight into myself, mostly it seems as if I trust too many people too much. It leaves me in a position where I lose the ability to be rational. I’m either too far in, on the fence or not in enough. While I am growing more used to living on my own, working to my own schedule, doing whatever I really want, whenever – I do miss the companionship. I miss a thigh to put my hand on while driving, I miss bringing someone coffee. I think the thing I miss the most is coming back to bed after a run to the bathroom (I am a middle-aged man!) and kissing someone in middle-of-the-night darkness. Or reaching over to feel my partner close by. I don’t think any of us were designed to be on our own. In my case, I’m not on my own, I have a handful of very close friends and we take care of each other. We’re constantly in communication and it’s brilliant. For me, I miss having a trusted partner who can hold up the mirror, show me all the stuff that’s not so nice about me and love me through the process of accepting myself. In order to get there, I’ll need to meet someone I feel I can trust. Someone who doesn’t see my worries as weakness, but as kindness. Someone who will laugh at my bad jokes and establish trust between us that we can be our ugly selves and still be worth loving.

I’ve spoken to Anthony about this. His counsel has been to be intentional and don’t move too quickly as I venture out into the wild. I am taking things one day at a time, personally and professionally. It’s been 274 days since I was last employed. The longest stretch ever. Another first, it’s been this is another half a year since I’ve been in any sort of relationship and we’ll call it 500+ days since what I considered the very best relationship I’ve ever experienced. What do these numbers mean? Honestly, I have no idea. Do I fall into the trap of ‘this too shall pass’ or ‘no one feeling lasts.’? Should I embrace impermanence?

Impermanence to me seems to be a cop out, an excuse to find a way to feel better in the face of hardship. The word itself just means – not permanent. What in our lives is permanent? I ask this question as a parent. Is the love I have for my children impermanent? Or the love I have for my father who is no longer of this earth? Is the love I have for myself impermanent? I am a word-nerd. It’s a word that is used as a shield – it keeps us from feeling the changes by hiding behind them. It feels misleading. If something changes rapidly – one can simply say to another – well – nothing lasts forever and smugly move on. One of my favorite questions is: ‘What’s new and exciting?’ and I ask Anthony this every time I see him. His response to me is more positive and straightforward than the discussion of impermanence, he says everything is new and exciting every moment of every day. We’re always changing.  He is right we are always changing. Everything is new and exciting – this to me feels like looking forward and not excusing changing directions with language.

I’ve got no job, no love of my own (thigh to feel, ass to rub, companion), a house, mortgage, bills, etc… Everything is new and changing. I am grateful for what I have that is mine and I am in a good place in that I have my own resilience and a roof over my head. The people in my orbit are along for the ride and their love is neither impermanent nor wavering. They have consistently turned towards and not away. They step in with love, a joke, a listening ear and provide support and encouragement. Everything is always new and exciting. It’s going to be ok, permanence or lack thereof be damned.

Hell yes I am salty today. It’s the salt I created from the sweat of worry and life. Fuck impermanence – love your people fully and completely. While they are in your lives they are permanent fixtures and part of your journey. Turn to them when they need you and be the rock you and they deserve. And be kind to yourself and others.

Here we go again…

We’re two Saturdays into 2025 and it has a different feel. I’ve always been excited and ambivalent about the new year. It’s been so long since there’s been a reason to celebrate the ball dropping, having my person to smootch – just because or the first foot. I am hopeful, always hopeful, the coming year is full of goodness and change. For my own part there are small changes in place and I’m trusting the process.

A lot happened in 2024. A LOT. It wasn’t the best year I’ve had despite coming off a traumatic 2023, as always I am unapologetically who I am. I have trusted with the assumption whatever happens is supposed to happen and worry doesn’t really matter. The upside is the mental gymnastics it takes to stay positive and push the unknown (worry) out of your head. I’ve learned to focus on what’s going on now and being present in the moment. Some days are much harder than others. Still I keep moving forward.

Not all of 2024 was a shit-show. My older daughter graduated from college, my mom had a surgery and is mostly recovered now, she’s a verifiable Titanium SuperHero! My older brother has somewhat come back into the fold, my younger keeps kicking ass with her perfect GPA and looks like 2025 is going to be her year to finish college. I get to play with my kids and goof off with my very good friends.

I’ve been fortunate to have help when things got hard. In my last post I was nearing the bottom which I found a few days later. Rumination, worry, sadness – depression sat on me. I couldn’t get away from it. The deeper I swung the more I reached out for help. The down side and perhaps the upside was those I reached out to, my former most trusted, were silent. It was a fight to see the sun come up and for a little bit I fantasized about putting a slug through my head. I saw Rocco that week and more or less spent our session breaking down. Again, thankfully a good friend came and took my firearm when I asked him, no questions asked and checked my headspace. Other close friends rallied and checked on me. I upped my meds again which has helped in the longer term.

The clouds come and pass again, the only really interesting thing is the tachycardia I’m experiencing fairly regularly. It’s hard to sleep when your heart is beating out of your chest. I suspect my keeping calm on the outside is taking its toll on the inside. Exercise helps but even when I kick my ass with a workout, sleep eludes me and I default back to the trusty Ambien to find sleep.

As much as I am not in control of what’s happening around me, I am able to find peace in small bits and be kind to myself. It’s less difficult and still not easy. There is worry. Even Rufas-the-wonder-dog has picked up on the recent state of being and stays very close at all times.  As we’re 11 days into the new year, I have no idea what will happen in the future. I have hopes and realization that what’s been won’t be again. A blessing and not so much of one. I often ask Rocco when I see him, ‘What’s new and Exciting?’ to which he responds everything is new and exciting all the time.

He’s right of course. Who knows what tomorrow is going to bring any of us, we’re certainly not promised a tomorrow. Being mindful of the past while we sit in the present and enjoy the goodness is my attempt for 2025. That and moving every day. We’ll see what happens, the good stuff is all around us when we look for it, smiling and laughing at the stupid keep them at bay and being present for those I love is what I’m trying to put my focus on.

Stay Salty…..

God Damn it…

Over the last few months, a strange thing has happened for me. I’m in this place where everything is very much inside the lines. By inside the lines, I mean to say, I don’t react, I don’t get angry, I don’t get happy. I just occupy this middle place. Externally, everything is fine, internally I need to find a way to release what’s brewing inside of me and I’m unable to do it. I’ve watched hours of programming which usually elicits a reaction, nothing. I listen to music that normally touches an emotion and nada. Most times I am good at perceiving what’s going on inside, when I don’t know I’m usually patient and consider all the facts in play to figure out where and what this feeling is. For the first time in a very long time, I have no idea. It’s unsettling.

My guy, James Jamerson, suggested I listen to music or be still and try to tap into what’s brewing inside of me, or seek out the counsel of someone I trust to see if somehow talking through whatever is eating at me will end up releasing this. I’ve tried both and it’s not working. A – I can’t get there myself and B- well – no answer.

Following his usual guidance, I’m trying to be kind to myself and let this flow. More and more though I feel this coming up inside of me and I don’t know how it’ll come out. At times, I can be angry and have conversations in my head (maybe I’m nuts?) to walk through the things I still can’t seem to process and then, I am very quickly sad for feeling this anger. Being outside helps, I’ve walked more in the last months than I have in a long, long while. Still though, this is weighing on me.

As a kid, I was exposed to very angry people. A lot of my childhood has been dealing with folks that are angry and sad. As a little boy I just watched and felt. When it was directed towards me I was cute and entertaining and that seemed to take away the edge. Other times, it just caused more rage. To say I don’t like anger would be an understatement, I’ve seen enough for a few lifetimes. When it comes up inside of me, I put it aside and try to understand.

The thing that is causing me so much distress is this middle place of no rage or anger and no happiness. I just exist. I could just as easily not exist and I’m not sure it would make a difference. My kids would miss me maybe, then again, maybe I’d just be right on target for dad.

I don’t know how to get away from this feeling. There are not enough substances to numb it. Leaning into it doesn’t help. Leaning away from it doesn’t either. It feels like being tied to a block of ice. It hurts and at the same time it’s just numb. Like your arm falling asleep at night.

The good thing, if there is a good thing, is I’m perfectly able to stop this feeling, I have the means here in my house. The good old Ruger P89 – it’d do the trick and make a mess at the same time. The downside is my kids may or may not get over it, my dog would freak out and my mother would not understand, it wouldn’t be good for her. The rest of my family wouldn’t really give a shit.

A while ago, I stole a quote from somewhere on the internet….’if one wants to get through it, they do. They find help. It starts and ends with the individual.’

What I don’t know what to do with is when you ask for help and no one steps in to help. It feels melodramatic to say I feel close to breaking and I still I do. I find myself wishing for this pain to go away. By any means possible. Except I can’t get away. I honestly don’t know what to do. At what point does faux gratitude help? For once, I would like to be taken care of instead of everyone else’s backstop. Not sure how much longer I can.

God Damn it…

Calamity Calamitous or Fortuity Fortuitous?

Thanks Ai for hitting the image on the nose 😉

I got bad news yesterday, something I had hoped would go one way went another. This seems to be happening a fair amount this year, ups and downs, BIG ups and BIG downs. I became redundant again in late May, which caused a decline in my overall mental health. That along with a hot mess of a summer led into a depression which in turn had me increase my medication. The events that seemed so bad have really made a difference for me in so many positive ways. More lessons, more goodness. The clouds however present they are, seem to clear again.

Since my divorce I have had a great number of ‘knock you down’ incidents, most of them I have weathered alone and on my own. Some of them were because of my poor choices and many of them just happened along the way. As it turns out, Apparently, I’m a pretty strong motherfucker. I say apparently because it is apparent I am able to move through these very tough times on my own. There are no hugs, no I’m sorry’s, no one is sitting with me in my sadness, or holding my hand, just me (and Rufas the wonder dog). Of course, sitting in your sadness isn’t a bad thing, it moves in and moves out with time and patience.  As my past-potential-pseudo mother-in-law was known to say, no feeling lasts forever. The sun is always shining behind the clouds. I will translate this into be a Weeble-wobble. You can Weeble, you can wobble, but don’t fall down. For me, I keep getting up again. That alone feels empowering.

I’m moved to write after the revelation regarding my own strength. I’ve been castigated in the past over my ‘need to have company’ or my seeming ‘issue of being alone.’ And the truth of the matter is, these are the same people who NEVER have time alone except when their kid(s) are off with their other parent or out doing something with their friends. They have little windows of time alone which they cherish. I understand that aspect of being. Heck, my ex-wife was waving that flag so much for so long it was ingrained into my psyche that I felt maybe there was something wrong with me for enjoying other people’s company and my dislike of being alone. Since then, I have come to look forward to my own alone time to do the things I like to do. It’s not as if I don’t understand it or need it myself.

The difference is extended time alone. Where you have entire blocks of time, hours, days, weeks where you don’t have any physical contact with anyone. Phone calls, yes, emails, of course, polite conversation in restaurants but not intimacy. No deep conversations with someone you respect on the couch. It can be a lot at times and monotonous. I am finding while I am fine on my own and don’t feel a need to have ‘a partner’ a ‘girl-friend’ or ‘friend-with-benefits’, I do miss a connection. I miss the smell of a woman and enjoying spending time with them. I miss having someone to cook for and touch (APPROPRIATELY!) It’s more a point of having someone to share things with in real time.

That all said, I am blessed to have a very close-knit group of men who have seemingly come out of the woodwork over the course of the last year or more. We have revived our old connections and deepened them. It’s amazing to have this community of men. We very much care and feed each other, we know what’s going on and can hear the inflection in a voice that says, I’m not ok even when the voice is saying the opposite. These things are an absolute joy and treasure. In that respect, I am not *ALONE* and still, it’s not the same as having your person. I like to say the men in my circle give good hugs, but their beards are scratchy and, they don’t smell all that great.

Where should I go from here? I’m alone with no one to give me a hard time about neurotically preparing a pint of Ben and Jerry’s for the next go round. No one to smack my ‘meaty ass.’ Just me and my fella out here in our world doing our thing. While the majority of this regards being ‘alone’ it doesn’t mean that I am miserable this way. I am coming to enjoy it. I have found a peace that’s been elusive for so long. I’m determined to keep that peace and moving forward will only not be alone until I can find someone who adds to and expands my peace.

Until then, it’ll be just me and my fella, doing what we do.

With quiet strength and resolve in mind, be kind to yourself, be kind to others. Be someone’s port in the storm and/or rock to cling to. Stay salty!

Beginnings again I hope…

Rumination isn’t much use really and still I’ve caught myself looking backwards over the last 10 years. I was telling a friend of mine how all hell broke loose in 2014 how my life started to unwind. I wonder if there are other people who have lost a parent who then themselves became lost? I have swung wildly one way and then another. I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to please other people, now it seems that things have swung the other way where I am stubborn and focused on myself.  The irony here of course is that my heart wants to do for others and connect with them as much as I can while protecting myself from being hurt. I don’t know how to process that dichotomy. How do you look after yourself and serve others simultaneously? Damn if I know.

In the 10 years since my father died, I’ve had an affair, gotten divorced, was estranged from one child and then the other, lost a few jobs, taken a few others and then finally found a short period of clarity where everything seemed to be falling into place. Then it wasn’t anymore. The upside, as I’ve written before is I have a better relationship with both of my kids than I have ever. Myself, I feel more stable, despite a few shots to the equilibrium, than ever. The downside is while I can connect with people finding a deeper meaningful connection remains elusive. I can’t seem to stop getting in my own way.

I’ve been thinking about this lately. Am I distrustful and don’t want to be hurt again? How can I want to be accepted so badly by someone and push them away at the same time? Does this pushing people away cause me to hurt them instead of acquiescing, letting go and letting them love me? I think it’s unnatural to be distrustful, it goes against every fiber of my being and somehow, I end up being distrustful or worse not giving people the opportunity to know and understand me.

All of this has me up and down again, I want to be clear; I don’t mind the guy in the mirror. He has some foibles and that’s ok.  He’s just tired and sad. I’ve been non-committal and frankly, a bit of an asshat lately. An asshat that hurts people by shutting down and being standoffish. In the end it just hurts me too.

I’m pretty sure if I spoke to James Jamerson about this, he’d tell me to be kind to myself and give myself a break. And as best I can I am. Still things linger, conversations and actions that didn’t go together suddenly make sense. I am at a point of giving up whatever it is I hold as ‘what I know’ any longer and give into accepting what I truly want. What I want is a partner who accepts me along with my foibles, someone to play and be goofy with and have someone I can take care of and hold at the end of the day. I’ve come this far and I’m willing to fight for what I want and those I love.

I’m not sure this is so salty, nor is it supportive – I am hopeful the message lands and second chances are a real thing.

A Decade later….

It’s been 10 years since you left us. Today our family is still fractured. I am divorced. There are upsides – two of your 4 grandchildren are married and doing quite well for themselves. Mom is thriving and keeping things in order. My siblings are still annoying each other. My kiddos are in college – the big one finishes in December (she’s in school in Switzerland! SWITZERLAND!!!) and is as rambunctious as she was when she was little. The little one is a rising Junior, she may be done in another year and a half and proudly told me the other day, the last time she got a B was in middle school. They are amazing, whip smart, smart-asses and very kind.

I miss you. So much has happened that’s simply nuts. Almost too nuts to describe. On the one hand, I’m glad you missed some of it (Crazy elections, COVID, an attempted coup d’état) and on the other hand, It would have been nice to get your take on things. Heck, I even bought a boat by accident, maybe a happy accident at that! Finding my footing after you left has been a challenge. Things have gone anyway but straight, sideways in some ways, backwards in others. There are people I have known you would have absolutely adored; some you would have questioned my sanity.

Wherever you are I hope it’s nice. I hope I see you again one of these days beyond my own dreams. In January, you would have been 90. Crazy to imagine.

In the meantime, I’m going to keep trying to look after mom, take care of things one and two. Things will be alright just like you said right after you left.

I’ll see you when I see you.

2024….

It’s been another bit of a while since I’ve written, there have been thoughts, semblances of things I wanted to write about and none of it seemed worth capturing. I’m about to come home after roughly 2 weeks with my extended family abroad. My mom has been with her two remaining siblings every day for the last two weeks. She’ll be here another 3 weeks after I leave. Watching her and her sisters just be, communicate, pontificate, share recipes and enjoy each other has been an incredible privilege. These ladies can spend 10 minutes discussing the merits of different hand mirrors in a store, swap potato salad recipes for hours on end and still find time to fuss over their kids (and nephews). While I am tired, it’s been a long couple of weeks of not sleeping in my own bed and being out of my element and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

Christmas Wise-Guys…..Maybe Christmas isn’t so bad?

This place, my aunt (now my cousin’s) house has been a central meeting point for my family since I was 13. I watched my cousin’s grow up here, move out, move up, move on. There are so many ghosts of memories tied up in this place. It doesn’t hurt that my younger cousin is the spitting image of his dad. It’s been a warm visit. We’ve played, played HARD as 40 and 50 year olds. Beer has been consumed, stories and gags shared. The kinds of gags that persist within a family and are only continued by pulling them on each other when we’re together. Trying to make sure the younger kids pick up on them and repeat!  It’s a familial cycle which brings me lots of joy!


This trip we had 18 of 22 of my family together. A new record! Aunt’s (my mom’s generation), cousins, 2nd cousins and a 3rd cousin with one on the way – it was glorious! As a pseudo-German speaking person, I could sit back and listen to all of the conversations and soak them in. This helps me rely on these memories for the rest of the year and look for opportunities to re-connect with my folks here as well. Post-divorce, I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces and reconnect with my family, my kids, my siblings, my mom, cousins, etc… to establish what ‘Family’ means to me. Family is EVERYTHING for me. The chaos of family gatherings is something I didn’t grow up with and seek out whenever possible now. Even my older kid has recognized the amazingness of embracing your extended family and thanks for college abroad has connected as well. All of this makes me incredibly happy to experience and witness.

In the middle of this love fest, I have found myself again. I feel more like me than I have in months. Certainly, I still have many strong feelings. I discuss these with my guy James (Jamerson) and his guidance has been to feel my feelings and let them pass through. It’s hard to describe being moved to tears from being happy and having this place feel full again after being empty for so long.  I am hopeful, and more important to me, finding a place to feel settled in, connected to. I’m whistling again, listening to lyrics, dreaming, day-dreaming and thinking about travel plans for later in the spring. 2024 has been, just 9 days in a banner year already. I open my eyes and look forward to the day, the challenges and all the fun that’s out there to be had.

Happy New Year Folks – remember – be someone’s rock, their port in the storm, a safe space and take good care of yourself and others. Love first and Stay Salty!

Time passes…change is inevitable

It’s been a while since I have posted anything of substance. It’s been difficult latter half of the summer, the relationship I considered my last. The one I was going to have – ie found my person, my partner, etc…. Ended. All of it is gone, the kids I fell in love with, the extended family I felt a part of, the security and the feeling of being tethered/connected with someone is gone as well.

The aftermath is confusing, I feel untethered and floating, unsure of how and where things went wrong.  15+ pounds, a solid 6 weeks of my heart being pinned on 80-90bpm (at rest) and mainlining Ambien just to get 5-6 hours of sleep more or less proved to me) what I felt was very real. The pain is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. When my father died, it hurt. I lost my dad and very good friend. When I divorced my wife (ie – now my ex-wife) it hurt as well, I had failed myself, my spouse and our agreement. Neither of those events touched this level of pain. Now a relatively longer time away from all of it I am starting to emerge again. I’m not the same man I was in some respects and in others I am still very much who I am. I for whatever reason, remain hopeful. In spite of the pain, hope seems a better option.

The upside of all of this, if there can be an upside, is I am a lucky man surrounded by friends and family. My kids stepped in and were present with me in the early days. They just were present and held space with me. Be it just sitting with me to watch a movie or dragging me out to make sure I eat and not drink too much.  A group of men have emerged to check on me, to listen to me kvetch and cry. They are walking with me with encouragement and kindness. Sometimes, they whack me on my ass (proverbially speaking) and nudge me forward. Were it not for them and my kids, I guess I would have made it through on my own, however, they helped make things a more bearable. The beauty of the connection and grounding I have with these people is not lost on me. I feel love and acceptance. A rare occurrence for me.

Along with connecting with my friends, this space has allowed me to connect more deeply with my family and my colleagues. Late September and early October brought a work trip overseas. This gave me an opportunity to see my older daughter’s apartment and college campus. To see her world and day to day through my own eyes. What an amazing place she’s in! Church bells on the hour, old ironwork and churches, there’s a water fountain in every square that looks more like a statue than a water fountain. The best part for me was just being in her space, hearing her thoughts in real time and sharing the experience.

In-between weekends, I had a work trip to Montenegro. 49 other crazy people from my company descended on a resort on the coastline and we met, drank, partied and solved problems while soaking up the Montenegrin sun, sand (rocky beach!) and water! I celebrated my 53rd birthday with these people, feeling a different kind of love and acceptance from them. Recognizing the collective of us, we, bear the responsibility to create our company the way we want it to be. It was literally 5 days of love and goodness. It was the epitome of kicking ass and having fun – our company mantra!

The high point of my trip, aside from seeing my older daughter in two consecutive weekends, was connecting with my family in Germany. I was finally able to close the loop on my oldest cousin, Barbara, who I haven’t seen in close to 37 years. Imagine being 15 and having someone you admire and respect, see you, as you are, be amazed and accepting of how you are. This is Barbara. I have missed her and neither of us realized how much we missed each other until we were together. Rarely, if ever am I at a loss for words. I can’t describe this feeling. Aside from finally closing a loop. For an afternoon, we were usually not too far from each other, if not sitting next to and touching knees for an afternoon. I didn’t just get to connect with Barbara either. E and I stayed with her sister, Ursula and one of my other cousins came down as well. Of my mom’s family, 3 siblings had children, the three families were represented. It was just a magical experience. I have always been a family man, as my own family fractured because of my choices, I’ve always sought out a deeper connection with my own extended family and for a time with my ex-partner’s family as well.

For me, these days, I’m moving on, hour by hour, day by day. I’m finding a way to be untethered and yet tethered to myself. Learning to lean on my network and be both lifted up and grounded in their love and support. There are times when I hurt and it feels unbearable. Then, it dissipates. As my former love often quoted, no feeling lasts. I think to an extent it is a true statement. I have many feelings that may mute over the course of time, however, I don’t believe love goes away. It fades perhaps and yet it persists. At least for me.

There is a future in my future. I don’t have any evidence of what it will be except for what is now. The guy in the mirror isn’t so bad, he’s been through a lot and is still kicking. I have my health, family, friends, my dog Rufas and my work family. A new chapter is waiting to unfold and I’m sure there will be bumps along the way and they’ll run their own course.

In the meantime, I’m focused on being my own rock and trying to be kind to myself so I can have the capacity to do the same for others. For the first time in a very long time, I’ve had to let go and park myself in someone else’s port to weather this storm. Is it karma? I’m a lucky? It’s hard to say. What I can say is I am grateful. Grateful to be tied to these people who for some reason or another love me enough to persist and walk this walk.