Very recently I was sitting with Jaco and tried to make sense of a couple of things. 1) When I get scared or fearful, this side of me I don’t like shows up and 2) At 51 years old I am finally learning about unconditional love.
The first one is easy to understand, I’ve written about this in the past, physical and emotional abuse takes time to process and maybe like cancer, takes its own time to present after eating away at you for a good long while. My experience has been if I can put a name to something, then I can begin to understand whatever feelings may come. It’s not unlike looking in the mirror and connecting the dots – hindsight as they say is 20:20. I know now when I react in a certain way it is fear that’s driving the often-unreasonable emotional response. Taking a breath and taking a quick look at the absolute facts tends to get that squared away and puts me back on an even keel. Sometimes though, it takes a little bit and it’s understandable if you find yourself fighting with an unreasonable story that crops up in your head.
The second one, as I’ve been thinking about it is about believing and knowing that I too deserve to be loved. I know there are people who love me, there are people who despise me and yet still love me to an extent. There are people I’ve hurt who still love me who must keep their distance for their own good. When I stop and consider all of this, I realize the hurt and the damage I have caused comes from my own lack of understanding of my worth and that someone can love or care about me beyond ‘what they are obligated to do.’
I wish more than anything I were a better man and able to understand how people I care about find anything good in me. That lack of understanding allowed me to hurt a good many people unnecessarily. It’s still difficult for me to see the person who is loved. That inability on my part has really hurt several people and while I can’t undo the hurt, I can acknowledge it and hope for forgiveness. My own blindness is to blame if there’s blame to be given.
Over the past year, I have been fortunate to experience a relationship which is unlike anything I’ve known. Maybe I have experienced something similar before and wasn’t able to comprehend, or maybe this is just all the way different. Either way, it feels like someone whacked me good across the head and allowed me to see. There’s a biblical passage about Saul having something like scales falling from his eyes and his subsequent baptism and rebirth – this feels like I imagine Saul felt. A whole new world has opened up. Everything is new and good.
Almost a year ago, A Hail-Mary Fuck-It what’s this going to hurt anything message to a woman I saw on Match.com. She was tall (still is!) and well-travelled, seemed cool and interesting. Clearly out of my league, but who cares, I had nothing to lose and swung for the fences, I sent a message. What are the odds this person will A) find me interesting and B) not be crazy? (SLIM!) To my surprise she responded after a hail-Mary second message (yes I am pathetic). Some message exchanges, some texts, a zoom hangout (Pandemic anyone) a coffee date in person, several emails, and messages later and this woman, Maya and I click. Another marathon zoom session, some walks, a brunch, a bench and a kiss and I was done-diddly done-fore. Never have I ever jumped in without regard to what might happen to my heart or soul. Maya blew all my defenses to pieces in all the ways I realize now needed to happen. My experience a year later and I’ve learned more about love and acceptance, about frustration and resolution. I’ve learned how to lean into trusting and throwing caution to the wind. I’ve learned how to let go and believe (ok – absolute truth here – 98% of the time I believe this) someone can find anything acceptable about who and how I am. I’ve learned about how to be intentional in loving and trusting. I’ve learned to give someone space to be and to not take feedback personally. I’ve learned how to be direct in sharing and, hard as it may be for me, to take a compliment and hear positive language where I am concerned. I am a more patient and understanding man, I am a more complete man. For the first time ever, I feel connected to someone that funny enough, I am not physically connected to as often as I’m used to being and yet we’re tied together. I have happened upon someone I have known before and who I am still learning about every day.
All of this scares the ever-living crap out of me because if I’ve had this before, I was too narrow-minded or stupid to recognize it. As I write this all I can think of or feel is how centered and easy I feel. If all of it went to hell in a handbasket tomorrow, how I feel right now is worth it.
In a couple of days we will be on the other side of an entire lap around the sun together. It feels like a snap of the finger and like we’ve always been doing this. Don’t get me wrong, we still have things to sort out together, we’re still learning how to move together to a rhythm eight beat phrases at a time. What I know and understand is I am loved and appreciated. Fear or no fear, being loved unconditionally by someone who doesn’t have to is a new concept. I like it. I like it a lot. All the time.
Jaco said to me, the price of loving someone deeply is that you may lose them someday. In this case, with my Maya, I am in with both feet up to my eyeballs and I am a better man all the way around for it. Fuck the worry – I am loved, I am in love and grateful for all of it. Things finally seem to be falling into place. Maybe they have been all along and I couldn’t see the goodness. Either way, things are different, I am different and it feels good.
This is a super uber sappy-sweet post and not at all salty – if you’ve made it this far please be present for those people who need a steady presence – be someone’s port in a storm and touchstone for good. Be kind to yourself and others.