I was cleaning out my closet the other day trying to make sense of things (It’s a mess!) I knocked over a bag which was filled with old cards from my kids and family, photos, letters and strangely enough book covers. I’ll call this a happy accident because I had been thinking about something I’ve wanted to write for a while. As I thumbed through the cards, there were several anniversary cards from my ex-wife and other things like old photos of my kids and stuff from college. What was strange, aside from the fact I don’t remember keeping these, was the timing of re-reading this stuff. I had literally, 20 minutes prior, read an article about relationships and how, when we’re intentional about them, they can help heal us when there is someone in our lives who is truly in it with us and can reflect what we can’t see with love and understanding, healing the parts of ourselves we don’t quite want to see or relive. A good partner helps us see our blind spots and become aware of them while helping us understand why we can’t see what we don’t want to while always loving.
A quoted passage from the article I read:
“Life is relationship. We are constantly relating to one thing or another. However, within this infinite sphere, the loving relationships are undoubtedly the most powerful catalyst or activator of the truth. If life is a school, relationships are our university. Through relationships we have a chance to mature and activate the human values that facilitate our evolution. This process happens because the other, regardless of whoever they may be, is always acting as a mirror that reflects the parts of ourselves that we need to see. Sometimes, the other reflects aspects of the higher truth and the Being that dwells within us, and other times they reflect aspects of the transitory truths that also inhabit us.”
Sri Prem Baba, from the book Love and Be Free
For the better part of my life, I have felt relatively unworthy of the love I’ve received. It’s not that I couldn’t feel the existence or presence of love and affection, it was more along the lines of ‘this is really nice for now, at some point, it’ll all be gone and I’ll be alone.’ I’ve documented enough times how I’m good at pushing people away before they can push me away or leave. I’ve read, this is a reaction to not having your needs met as a child and/or young/adult. If I think about growing up, it wasn’t that my needs weren’t met. I got to play outside, get into trouble, play with my friends, wander aimlessly in the woods, fish, run barefoot, etc…that part is the stuff I really enjoyed and still reflect on with a whole lot of happiness. I was free in the woods to explore and create. It was the environment inside my house growing up that was full of chaos. There was always turmoil of some sort, my dad, my brother, my sister and brother fighting, there were times of peace, but always the smallest twitch or misunderstanding away from an outbreak of chaos. I had to always be aware of who was going to explode and how I was going to mitigate that risk either by being cute, a smart ass or trying to disarm the scariest person in the room. That habit transformed as an adult and gives me my ability to speak to anyone, about nearly anything and connect with whomever I’m speaking (most of the time!). I’m good at idle chit-chat and the occasional dive into a sensitive topic, just not too deep! I have always felt the need to be nice and funny, considerate and non-intrusive. By understanding where the danger is and knowing how to disarm it I could keep myself safe. These are all great skills, except when you are in a relationship and the wheels come off. In close relationships, marriages and dedicated partnerships – no one knows you and can hurt you like your spouse/partner. They hold the cards of your happiness if you’re young and immature and not fully functional emotionally. Of course, this is bullshit, they don’t REALLY hold the cards, it just feels as if they do. Reading old letters from my ex-wife only drove home (in retrospect) how unprepared I was to live with someone, much less get married. Even then, I am sure I read her words and they didn’t land. Reading them now, in the headspace I am in today is upsetting. I know now what I didn’t know then, at best I did the best I was able at the time, but there was real love and affection there and yet I was unable to see it or much less believe it. I wrote to her after our divorce and told her, the thing I regret more than anything else is how I lost sight of trusting what we had because I couldn’t ask for what I needed. An affair didn’t help of course, it was both the cause of our divorce and a symptom of how broken I (and our relationship was from my perspective) was. (make no mistake – I own my actions – I did what I did!) As weird as this might sound, I am grateful for the lessons I’ve learned along the way.
Today, I am in a relationship that is so far from anything I have ever experienced, it’s hard to categorize it (as if giving it a name will make it more real). This woman meets me where I am always – physically, emotionally and intellectually. It’s scary and breathtaking at the same time. Scary because I know how I feel about her and the depth of my feelings. Breathtaking because for the first time in my life I can trust and let go (full transparency – I’m still working on this aspect but it seems closer now than ever before). I can fall and know I won’t be alone. I can trust my partner and myself that we can take the leap together and support each other as we need, how we need. We can be open in our communication and have the belief that we can ask for our needs to be met by the other without fear of judgement, knowing BECAUSE we are loved, we will each make a best effort to meet the other one where they are. For the first time in my life, I can stand on my own two feet and appreciate (mostly) the man I am. I don’t “NEED” a partner to make me whole, I am not so alone that I depend on someone to bring me happiness. Those things stated, this, all of this, with Maya is completely different. It feels different because it is. She’s said that we’ve done this before, she and I, and that we get to do this again together. That’s why what we have is so easy and feels so much like it does. What I know is Maya helps me be a better father, a better son, a better brother, a better ex-husband and a better person. This woman has brought peace into the entirety of my world by just being who she is and how she is appreciating me for who I am even when I can’t see the good in myself.
This blog, my writing has been mostly me exploring the random thoughts in my head while trying to make sense of them by writing them down. It’s been a place where I’ve cataloged highs and lows and how I have learned to accept things which weren’t easy to understand when I started. As my domain subscription is coming to an end, it’s fitting that I have run the gamut of emotional experiences to find myself here in this place writing. Sometimes, this is where thoughts formulate before anyone hears them. Although usually, I have a thought and I might share it with Rocco and usually share it with Maya too, sometimes, she hears it before Rocco. The space we inhabit together is safe and without judgement. For the past year or so it’s becoming more and more a place where it’s easier finding the courage to let down my guard completely (that sentence just put a lump in my throat!) allowing my partner to help me explore my wounds, traveling into the dark places together and take advantage of the mirror of our relationship to see the scars which make us who we are, perfectly imperfect. In this new paradigm we shine the light into the scary places and hold on to each other as we explore and relive our past experiences differently. For me this is all new and wonderful and different. My intention is to keep hold of the hand I get to hold, to love as intentionally as I am able and to do the best I can while I can. Different is good, maybe even better. For once in my life I can’t quite find the words to describe the feeling.
With that I’ll say again. Be kind to yourself and others, be someone’s rock or port in the storm. Love often and fully without judgment, first with yourself then for others.