Peace has been elusive in my world and it’s been a minute or two since I’ve last written here. Many things have transpired over the last couple of months and this one has me thinking enough to lean into and share. My partner Maya and I were having a conversation recently during dinner prep and we were talking about our previous relationships and the one we find ourselves in now.
“We have a happy and peaceful experience with each other” she said (I am hoping I got that quote correct!). When she said those words, they landed. Happy and Peaceful. That’s exactly the place we reside. Are there times when we disagree? Absolutely and we turn towards each other in those times by giving each other space, love and understanding. By and large though, we are connected even when we’re apart physically. We live and reside in a peaceful partnership.
This is antithetical to the way I was raised and the examples of love I witnessed and experienced for myself. This is not to say I was raised in an environment without love, but rather I was raised in a somewhat chaotic and contentious environment. There were stressors and we all felt them. There was yelling, throwing of hands between myself and my siblings and certainly enough psychological damage done so we can ensure (collectively) the therapy profession stays employed. Moving right along, I chose a partner to marry and raise children with who had a similar background. The mother of my children and I had a shared experience of a chaotic and often times verbally abusive childhood, maybe that’s why we were drawn to each other once we got past the initial infatuation.
Either way, my marriage was a stormy relationship at times, again, not to say there wasn’t love and appreciation, but there was a lot more yelling than I would like to admit. Many times, it was my storminess which sucked up all the air in the room to put out whatever fire was smoldering. My children endured that, they themselves are coming to terms with the damage their mom and I subjected them to, they too hopefully will learn peace sooner rather than later. At least that’s my hope for them and that they’re able to bring that peace or find a partner who helps them bring that peace into their homes when they get there.
As I sit and write this post, I am in a space that is peaceful and neat, my butter dish is clean and my house is organized and decorated for Christmas. There has been a wholesale shift in my outlook of things, yes, I’m still having to do life and figure things out, but the manner by which that figuring out is largely devoid of anxiety and stress. Of course, I still have interactions which cause me to be angry or frustrated, I’m not in any way better in that respect, but I am able to put those reactions in a place where I can feel them, accept them and move on. This too is new stuff for me.
This change, this happy and peaceful transition has been a slow process. At one point in my relationship with Maya I was in an all fired up hurry to move things along. Only now have I started to see the indicators of new growth and the value of the strong set of roots we have established together in which our partnership is rooted in. We have taken a good long while to do the work individually and with each other. There’s a level of trust and acceptance firstly with ourselves and then each other which seems to supersede the singular when one of us is in need or trouble (ie stressed about something). I’m still working to be better at listening and not reacting, I am much better than I was when we first started and there’s still a way to go, I am confident that place will come. By and large I’m there, but edge cases remain.
Things are good right now. We are good and connected. I feel a peace that’s very new to me. It’s different. As someone I love might say, Interesting even…. What I keep coming back to is the happy and peaceful existence I am sharing with my love and the gratitude I feel to be able to learn and grow into this space with a partner I respect and admire.
As I often times write, be kind to yourself and others. Give someone time and space and be their port in the storm or solid rock to lean on. Smile and be gracious. Just keep yourself a little salty….