Rumination isn’t much use really and still I’ve caught myself looking backwards over the last 10 years. I was telling a friend of mine how all hell broke loose in 2014 how my life started to unwind. I wonder if there are other people who have lost a parent who then themselves became lost? I have swung wildly one way and then another. I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to please other people, now it seems that things have swung the other way where I am stubborn and focused on myself. The irony here of course is that my heart wants to do for others and connect with them as much as I can while protecting myself from being hurt. I don’t know how to process that dichotomy. How do you look after yourself and serve others simultaneously? Damn if I know.
In the 10 years since my father died, I’ve had an affair, gotten divorced, was estranged from one child and then the other, lost a few jobs, taken a few others and then finally found a short period of clarity where everything seemed to be falling into place. Then it wasn’t anymore. The upside, as I’ve written before is I have a better relationship with both of my kids than I have ever. Myself, I feel more stable, despite a few shots to the equilibrium, than ever. The downside is while I can connect with people finding a deeper meaningful connection remains elusive. I can’t seem to stop getting in my own way.
I’ve been thinking about this lately. Am I distrustful and don’t want to be hurt again? How can I want to be accepted so badly by someone and push them away at the same time? Does this pushing people away cause me to hurt them instead of acquiescing, letting go and letting them love me? I think it’s unnatural to be distrustful, it goes against every fiber of my being and somehow, I end up being distrustful or worse not giving people the opportunity to know and understand me.
All of this has me up and down again, I want to be clear; I don’t mind the guy in the mirror. He has some foibles and that’s ok. He’s just tired and sad. I’ve been non-committal and frankly, a bit of an asshat lately. An asshat that hurts people by shutting down and being standoffish. In the end it just hurts me too.
I’m pretty sure if I spoke to James Jamerson about this, he’d tell me to be kind to myself and give myself a break. And as best I can I am. Still things linger, conversations and actions that didn’t go together suddenly make sense. I am at a point of giving up whatever it is I hold as ‘what I know’ any longer and give into accepting what I truly want. What I want is a partner who accepts me along with my foibles, someone to play and be goofy with and have someone I can take care of and hold at the end of the day. I’ve come this far and I’m willing to fight for what I want and those I love.
I’m not sure this is so salty, nor is it supportive – I am hopeful the message lands and second chances are a real thing.