Over the last few months, a strange thing has happened for me. I’m in this place where everything is very much inside the lines. By inside the lines, I mean to say, I don’t react, I don’t get angry, I don’t get happy. I just occupy this middle place. Externally, everything is fine, internally I need to find a way to release what’s brewing inside of me and I’m unable to do it. I’ve watched hours of programming which usually elicits a reaction, nothing. I listen to music that normally touches an emotion and nada. Most times I am good at perceiving what’s going on inside, when I don’t know I’m usually patient and consider all the facts in play to figure out where and what this feeling is. For the first time in a very long time, I have no idea. It’s unsettling.
My guy, James Jamerson, suggested I listen to music or be still and try to tap into what’s brewing inside of me, or seek out the counsel of someone I trust to see if somehow talking through whatever is eating at me will end up releasing this. I’ve tried both and it’s not working. A – I can’t get there myself and B- well – no answer.
Following his usual guidance, I’m trying to be kind to myself and let this flow. More and more though I feel this coming up inside of me and I don’t know how it’ll come out. At times, I can be angry and have conversations in my head (maybe I’m nuts?) to walk through the things I still can’t seem to process and then, I am very quickly sad for feeling this anger. Being outside helps, I’ve walked more in the last months than I have in a long, long while. Still though, this is weighing on me.
As a kid, I was exposed to very angry people. A lot of my childhood has been dealing with folks that are angry and sad. As a little boy I just watched and felt. When it was directed towards me I was cute and entertaining and that seemed to take away the edge. Other times, it just caused more rage. To say I don’t like anger would be an understatement, I’ve seen enough for a few lifetimes. When it comes up inside of me, I put it aside and try to understand.
The thing that is causing me so much distress is this middle place of no rage or anger and no happiness. I just exist. I could just as easily not exist and I’m not sure it would make a difference. My kids would miss me maybe, then again, maybe I’d just be right on target for dad.
I don’t know how to get away from this feeling. There are not enough substances to numb it. Leaning into it doesn’t help. Leaning away from it doesn’t either. It feels like being tied to a block of ice. It hurts and at the same time it’s just numb. Like your arm falling asleep at night.
The good thing, if there is a good thing, is I’m perfectly able to stop this feeling, I have the means here in my house. The good old Ruger P89 – it’d do the trick and make a mess at the same time. The downside is my kids may or may not get over it, my dog would freak out and my mother would not understand, it wouldn’t be good for her. The rest of my family wouldn’t really give a shit.
A while ago, I stole a quote from somewhere on the internet….’if one wants to get through it, they do. They find help. It starts and ends with the individual.’
What I don’t know what to do with is when you ask for help and no one steps in to help. It feels melodramatic to say I feel close to breaking and I still I do. I find myself wishing for this pain to go away. By any means possible. Except I can’t get away. I honestly don’t know what to do. At what point does faux gratitude help? For once, I would like to be taken care of instead of everyone else’s backstop. Not sure how much longer I can.
God Damn it…