Over the course of the last week or so I’ve had multiple conversations about fear, about gut feelings, the voice of your inner child. I’ve also managed to have a few conversations where I’ve asked old and trusted friends if I sound toxically positive. Given the past 11 months and the transitions (read roller-coaster) I’ve been through (on?) I’m feeling strangely good and optimistic. Of course, Rocco, my guy, would likely ask me why I am questioning this and being a smidge pessimistic. I don’t see it at pessimism. It’s not so much pessimism as understanding my emotional cycles. I have high highs and low lows. Sometimes the vacillation between them can sneak up on me, even when I’m aware of them. The amount of mental gymnastics I perform to figure out what the given trajectory is and if it’s ‘real’ or just me faking myself out again. Of course, it’s all real, and it’s all changing. I can struggle at times and the mood swings can be a bit much. I think this is one of the challenges of being my partner. Maybe the other is once I trust you completely, I let you into the inner space. Until then you’re in and not completely ‘in.’
I’ve written in the past about struggling between taking care of people and being taken care of. Loyalty is very important to me, ironic that someone with my past would say that and still it’s important to me. I’ve had a couple instances where I thought I could trust someone to be there for me and, in the end, it was either too much or when my generosity dried up, they split for greener or at least better-known pastures. Where does this leave me if I’m talking about “Relationships?” I am a relatively sane guy, I have my ups and downs, I pay attention to my moods and communicate how I’m feeling. I am a good listener, thoughtful before I respond and love to ‘do’ for others. I am a consistent friend (sometimes I’m a consistent pain-in-the-ass) and look after people who are important to me. What I miss or hope for is someone who is MY person and for whom I am THEIR person. Full stop with no conditionality.
These thoughts come of course after a trifecta of pop culture meets Peter’s brain-cage. I watched Letters to Juliet earlier this week (yes – judge me – it’s a chick-flick totally predictable and sappily sweet.) The message of two folks coming back to find each other was sweet and couldn’t help but make me wonder and dream a bit. Last night I watched the funeral episode of Ted Lasso, where he fully breaks down and becomes vulnerable, sharing everything with Dr. Sharon ands this morning in the shower, Paul McCartney’s Maybe I’m Amazed played and got me thinking. Do I wish maybe an old love would/will maybe show up someday? Of course I do! It’s stupid Hollywood bullshit and yes – I wish someone would want me badly enough to take a risk and just show up.
Maybe I should blame Van Halen….( https://youtu.be/QPAo0ReyCpE?si=vH5Am6Klg4aZaUi5)
I have friends who are close enough that I can totally let go and still, as I mentioned already, I just want one person, one person who can listen and hear my kvetching while not judging me for it. Someone who knows I’m a good person and loves me for who I am, warts, weirdness, dad-jokes, darkness, lightness, willingness to evolve and everything else that’s me. I wouldn’t mind being so completely taken with someone who is perhaps, also so completely taken with me. Someone who understands…. And loves despite. I thought I’ve had this already and it vaporized into thin air. And I’m not sorry, even if it hurt like hell. It wasn’t meant; they weren’t the right one. What I learned was worth the pain and the recognition of the mistakes I made for myself along the way.
With a little of Sir Paul’s song and lots of happiness I hope if you’re reading this you can be someone’s rock, their port in the storm, be kind to yourself and others. Learn and forgive. And stay salty my friends!!