Recently – very recently, I had the opportunity to see inside a vacation of a tight knit, lovely and loving family. I very much felt like an outsider looking in. It was eye opening to say the very least as my own family, that is, my siblings and I are deeply fractured, so this experience was wonderful and illuminating as ever. I left wondering if I ever will fit in a family again. If my own kiddos will extend an invitation to me about the lives they lead. If I will ever ‘fit’ in a family unit again. If I will ever allow myself to be worthy of love and able to receive the comfort and support of a ‘family.’
In about 2 weeks, I’ll hit the milestone of 6 years after the loss of my father. That loss caused a shift in the lives of so many people, mostly mine, but also my kids and my now ex-wife (actually – she’s been my ex for 3 years!) as well as friends and family members. Being the first person in my family (aside from my uncle) to divorce has been an interesting evolution. Navigating birthdays and my ex is always a difficult situation although the upside is it’s getting easier. What is always surprising is the overwhelming feeling of failure when you go back and see old memories in photos of your once ‘happy’ family. I struggle with this old vs new reality. While I can’t take full responsibility for the entirety of this new normal, it still hurts knowing you caused the whole thing in the first place.
What has been a recurring theme for me is being alone. Alone in my own head with my thoughts is a dangerous place. In the absence of alternate information, I have a tendency to create a storyline in my head – I’m not worthy of love, I am a screwup, I am just lucky to be here plodding along with my whatever it has become life. While these are recurring thoughts I am good at pushing them away with copious amounts of beer and/or bourbon, it’s the quiet times when this becomes almost unbearable. My therapist, let’s call him Willie Weeks, and I keep going around and around on these topics. Every now and again I get closer to an answer and then I stop and deflect. It is to me akin to putting a red hot poker to your temple, if I stop and think on this topic – a red hot poker to the temple seems less painful than dealing with this emptiness.
I titled this one Puzzles Pieces and belonging…. I am still very much puzzled if any part of me will fit into the larger aspect of a new family unit or at least belong, I can only dream of being considered a constant and beloved member of a unit. What I want more than anything is to be loved and cherished, accepted and understood… I guess this is what everyone wishes for …. I just don’t seem to be worthy of it quite yet. Now THAT is a salty statement!