“It’s about how you get up, not how you’ve fallen”
When I started this blog as a place to express myself, I started right off the bat with my first post with the statement: “I’m a dad, a divorced man, a wishful musician and an adulterer, (reformed).”
Today as I reflect on that statement and definition of myself, I can understand and remember the headspace I was in at the time, but I would have to retract that statement and use this one:
“I am a Dad, A divorced man and a wishful musician. I am a man who is divorced. I am a man who sees a flawed human in the mirror but also understands things happen and appreciates the man before me.”
While this experience has been hard, likely the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, the lessons I have learned along the way have shaped me into a much better man and while I wouldn’t suggest this as a path to learning, I wouldn’t change anything that happened along the way. I think I needed to get to this place to have the clarity I have today (ok – there are some things I would change but not the lessons!). I am thankful, if not grateful for clarity.
The other part of this blog has been mostly about anonymity, I tend to talk around things and leave out specifics so as to keep those who know but might wish to be unknown safe. In this post, I intend to lay out my truth in an effort to find some reconciliation with myself and as part of this, share the truth as I know. It has to be stated – contracts are in place, this matter has been settled, no one named here risks any legal action and since we were all parties to the same stuff, I don’t feel too bad about using any specific names (although my therapist will still be some fantastical bass player) after all, I did pay extra to ensure my affair partner was indemnified from the fullest extent of the law. That last statement isn’t being boastful, she didn’t want me to, but I needed to protect her in the only way I knew how at the time, so I did. Faced with the same decision again – I would do it all over again.
When my affair began 4+ years ago, I was a married 46-year-old man who was unhappy in his marriage and met someone equally unhappy in theirs. This person happened to be my neighbor Virginia. Funny enough, I have an earlier memory of meeting her on the deck of a P&O Ferry between Dover and Calais when I was about 14. She was magnificent and beguiling then, at 46 to me. she was more-so – but the P&O story is a story for a much different day. I won’t for an instant not imagine that the universe brought her to me a second time and I was then and am still thankful it did, even for the pain. The universe is a strange and mystical place….
Our relationship started innocently enough, it’s started with a drunken kiss on a waning full moon. We had both been very attracted to each other and she was in that moment the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. It was like a dream. As it turned out, we were both unhappy and saw someone who needed a partner who would be there for them. For each of us, in retrospect, I think we were both naïve. When we started it I never thought in a million years I would fall so deeply in love with her or she with me. What began as a white-hot passionate affair grew into a deep and abiding love, not without issue, but deep and abiding. Virginia and I went through a crucible together in term of living through private investigators, lawsuits, contracts, arbitrations, etc… it was a hard and difficult path we chose. What strikes me still today is the memory of gathering together to reflect on what transpired and focus on the future. I can still recall very vividly a dinner at Acme in Carrboro… it’s weird the things you recall… Our relationship was a partnership that while weird and containerized in the early times, in retrospect, was mostly good once we were each separated/divorced from our respective spouses. I say mostly good because, as indicated in my earlier blog statement, I carried a fair amount of guilt and shame for being an adulterer and allowed others to leverage that in order to manipulate me. In retrospect, I can see all the ways Virginia reacted to this abuse. I was wrong to let it take place at the time, but when you’re in the eye of the storm, you don’t always see dry ground around you. I allowed my children to leverage my guilt as well as my ex-wife. While I divorced, it took time to set all the ugliness aside. What I am regretful for is putting Virginia through this storm with me and having her watch me suffer. Having watched someone I love suffer myself, it’s heart breaking. I was in a bad place for a long time. I am a stubborn man. She needed more love from me and for me to relent and let her give me the love she wanted to give. I was afraid I would lose everything I had and then some, the love of my children, my family, etc… so I resisted. In the end it took me this time to have this level of clarity. Again – the clarity gives me a sense of relief that I won’t let happen again. When someone offers goodness and love to care for you – it’s important that you trust them to love you well.
My relationship with Virginia spanned over 4 years with multiple breakups along the way. Early in our relationship, we spent time walking in the woods, sharing dreams, frustrations with our families, supporting each other and dreaming together. Later on, once separated, we were able to establish a regular relationship, dinners, nights out, nights in and the nature of our partnership changed. Although, the manipulation in my world continued to bleed over into hers, we were able to spend time together more openly. Although I have to admit, I allowed my shame and guilt to shape how I interacted with her. A regret of mine to be sure. To this day though, the happiest Christmas I’ve experienced as an adult was spent with her and her kids. We had wonderful trips, lots of laughs, vivacious conversations where we argued pedantic points much to the chagrin of the other but overwhelmingly shared a deep and abiding love between us. There really is too much to catalogue here…. most of it good and bad still remains in my mind. Mostly good.
Our love was pure and while we were seemingly twin-flames, we could argue as passionately as we loved. These arguments were exacerbated I believe by each of our own insecurities. In the end though, we could embrace and move forward, for the most part. Along that timeline I continued to struggle with my own demons and she very patiently waited for me. In the end we parted ways, but I have come to reflect on the time, the pure amount of time it has taken me to get to this point. Over the past 3-4 years I’m pretty sure I alone have kept several distilleries and brewery’s afloat. I have been suicidal (documented here), I have been bi-polar (why this blog exists in the first place), I have been massively depressed and yet through it all this person sat with me and watched me suffer offering kindness and love and it was very much lost on me.
I’ve spent a long time loathing and disliking the man in the mirror. For once I don’t mind the guy I see, he’s smarter, more empathetic and forgives more quickly. Throughout our relationship, this wasn’t the case. It has taken time, continued reflection and work to get to this point for me. Unfortunately, my relationship with Virginia fell victim to this roller-coaster of self-dount and self-hatred.
Virginia and I were not without our own issues. Both of us have experienced trauma and suffered as children, we suffered loss and diminishment. Our individual needs for acceptance and self-preservation along with a healthy dose of self-hatred made our relationship that much harder to experience. Life had been easy and hard for each of us. Having been married before, I knew all too well, the one person who can destroy you is the person closest to you who has all your secrets and knows all the soft spots to press when things go sideways. She and I had our own peccadillos and were adept at exposing them while hiding others. This is my blog, I can only say from my own standpoint, I can understand and see with more clarity how all of this unfolded and where things went askew. In the end I can take responsibility for being massively depressed, manipulated, terribly stubborn and needing time to heal. I needed time to learn to forgive myself for my transgressions and to see myself in a new light. Life goes on, memories remain, the happiness that was can’t be diminished.
So here we are now and it’s November of 2020. During COVID times and we just elected a new administration. Hope is on the rise as is the daily infection rates. My relationship with Virginia, like the Trump administration, had lots of stops and starts but in the end crashed and burned. I am moving through time and space and continuing to do the work to heal. The work I am sure will be on-going. My therapist, Ray Brown is a trusted advisor. Helps me move through the ups and downs and get back to seeing someone in the mirror I recognize as a good man. Virginia, as far as I know has moved on, every now and again I hear from her. What I want and hope for her is that she ends up happy, loved and accepted. There’s a whole big part of me that wishes I were the man providing that happiness, love and acceptance, however logic prevails and wishes may come true, in this case, I have to live my life and move on open to what is in my life and what the universe allows to come into my life in the future.
Thirty-plus years ago, a heartbroken Peter wrote “Love is like a rusty faucet, you can turn it off as best you can and yet there will always be a drip.” I come back to those words and that imagery because while we have each moved on, there is an aspect of my heart that will always have a place for Virginia. I can hope that perhaps, she feels the same, however, I can only abide in what I know in my own heart and mind and hope that type of love comes round again.
Stay Salty my friends, love deeply, forgive quickly, spread kindness to yourself and others and be someone’s rock when they need support or a place to rest. In the words of my therapist – be well and be kind to yourself.
-Peter