A strange thing happened to me recently which has shaken my knowledge and perception of love and life. It has caused me to feel much more deeply than I ever thought I was capable of feeling. While on the one hand I am logically worrying that this is an upward swing of emotions and yet another highest of highs almost like mania – I feel really really bad. Recently I ran into a former love, I say former, because I stopped that relationship because I was unable manage living in two worlds and I was tired, tired of my medication and in a bad place where one goes when they aren’t happy with anything. I was overweight, drank too much, was pulled in too many directions and blind as I could be that my love only wanted to help me – instead – I shut her out too. So then I decided we ‘weren’t compatable’ ended the relationship and moved along.
Then I started another one – a blissful happy romance with someone from my past with whom I shared a great past, but never once crossed paths. It was wonderful, healthy and loving.
For several months – then I started to wonder as I came off my meds and healed a little more, as I got more spring in my step – I started to wonder about my past love. How was she? What’s she up to? I would see her in passing around town being cautious to not engage. I was trying to keep a solid boundry. Then one day I saw her and the floodgates fell wide open, I had a viceral reaction that stayed and is still a constant. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, my heart pounds and aches. So what do I do? I break off my new relationship because I can’t (and won’t) be in a relationship with someone for whom I can’t look in the eye and profess complete adoration for. Lying and Love I’ve found, as a former adulteror, do not go hand in hand.
So what now? My former love is in a relationship and I, of my own actions, are left alone to ponder what if – to try to peice together why and hope that someday, this longing and this pain my heart subsides. It’s a funny thing pain – you hurt someone, they hurt you – if you won’t or can’t face the reasoning behind the pain with substance and honesty it will never abate.
I guess the best part of this, if there is a best part of this, is being able to be honest with myself and those around me who I care about and love. Being transparent and loving in that transparency seems to make things a little better. I am able to be honest and tranparent with my children who only want dad to be happy. I guess I’m back to being hopeful that if love goes away, true love will come back and make a happy home.
Y’all stay salty – enjoy the spice of life – remember, forgive first and love always.