Today I read an article regarding our former President and how he was informed by a Black Secret Service agent on his detail, that having a rally in Tulsa on Juneteenth was “Very Offensive” and not that much later the former President tweeted (of course) that he wished to change the date of the rally. (https://news.yahoo.com/trump-changed-date-juneteenth-tulsa-093404011.html)
If this story were to be true, it would reveal in this person (for whom I have almost zero regard) either he’s not the narcissist he has been portrayed as and has actual feelings and concerns for those around him or that he’s a cunning tactician/politician. Although I’m split on this one, as I’m very openly not a fan, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe he actually holds/held regard for what this holiday meant to that one man and changed his rally date so as to not be offensive to this agent or others. I want to believe somewhere in that vessel of big macs and diet coke resides a teeny tiny soul (you should see tiny hands holding a tiny soul ;-)) who has regard for others, not just himself.
I bring this up because I just had a relatively hard/easy conversation with someone I care very deeply for and it was perhaps one of those everyone is in their own minds (let’s be clear it was THIS JACKASS not anyone else) kind of conversations whereby flags go up and everything is in question when in reality nothing was in question but the question (or the statement not uttered in the first place). I was not my best person earlier this week, I had a manic episode earlier in the week which lasted all of about 3 minutes. Then there were reverberations on the same subject of feeling unimportant. All ego driven and poor execution on my part, but no less real in how I felt. I don’t like it and if I’m going to ‘polish the turd’ which I shat, you could argue instead of swallowing it and rolling on down the line, I brought it up. Not necessarily in the right way but we had the conversation. I feel better, it’s my hope we both feel better. I think we both feel better. Thankfully my partner is direct and understanding of my foibles.
For my part, even though I’ve identified the trigger, I tried as best I’m able to convey how I won’t let time go by when I’m not feeling well and just ask the damn question. This is a new space for me and one I value as much as I value anything. It feels very safe, more-so even now as I type this. After the earlier episode, I am considering some means of managing myself either naturally (exercise and diet) or chemically (meds again). My sense is the natural option is the way to go but I’m not too proud to not go back on the meds. Rocco and I are still discussing…TBD
What’s overwhelmingly obvious is we never know what’s going on with someone else or where their mind is or has been, we can only trust. We can also ask what’s up and trust the answer will maybe make us or maybe them feel better. Just as I want to trust/believe the former Cheeto-In-Chief has a soul, as much as we’re able to trust anyone, the stories in our minds as we have played them out sometimes reveal a very ugly side of who we are. I’m no different from anyone else really and its hard work to not take things personally, it’s hard work to always be calm and accepting of what we can’t change. We need kindness, love, grace and a veritable TRUCKLOAD of patience. Thankfully these things are available to me freely. I belong.
I am the luckiest person I know right now. Things are good. Not pie-in-the-sky manic good either, just good. Grounded good. Consistent good. The bounce back after the episode didn’t leave me wracked with guilt nor did I once create a storyline in my head regarding my own self-worth. I knew once the trigger was identified what had happened. My execution was off, but we’re all a work in progress doing as well as we can.
With that I’ll leave you to be kind to yourself, be someone’s rock or place of shelter, an Oak in a windstorm to hang onto.
Love freely and openly and don’t ever stop turning towards those you love with open arms and heart.