It’s been maybe a month or just under since I stopped taking my meds. It’s been an amazing month or so at that. Yeah I cry way too much for now, but it feels so very good to feel. Being able to feel without worrying about feeling like too much is a great place to be.
While I still have a tendancy to beat myself up for past actions, I can at least being to consider forgiveness for myself. Someone I care for deeply laid some truth on me in regards to forgiveness and being content with life as it is (which is pretty sweet!) and I’ve found myself vaccilating between two differing musical mantra’s:
One I had been saying for a long long time – hoping for things to get better. Sure enough, with a whole lot of therapy, good friends, divine intervention and sheer luck they have. I found myself listening to this and competely breaking down in tears – thankful and mindful of the journey I’ve taken.
So then Pedro – What does all this goodness have to with the labels? If you’re so content – what’s the big deal one might ask…. it’s a fair question (if one at all)……In order to shed light on my hatred of labels – one has to go back a couple generations in my family to understand how anxiety and lack of self confidence breed pettiness. I’m not the only child in my family – two came before me and they, like me, have their own issues with axiety. How it manifests in each of us is different. After the loss of our father all hell, as they say, cut loose. We are beyond disfunctional. As most families are – we have our sibling rivalries – the elder two – have grudges that predate my existence (I’m nearly 49!) and their respective spouses have dug in as well to help carry those grudges (along with a few of their own!).
This in itself isn’t news – as mentioned – find a family who doesn’t have disfunction and then go buy a lotto ticket – what I’ve learned is we’re all nuts. As I said – it’s not news – except our mom – has a big birthday at the top of 2020 – I mean BEEG – with a zero behind it and everything. She’s invited her own family to come from overseas, her local friends, lifelong friends, church family and pretty much anyone who knows her to come celebrate 39×2+2 laps around the sun. This idea scares the ever loving bejesus out of me. I seriously doubt (while I hope I’m wrong) my two siblings and spouses can be civil if even for a little bit for our mother’s sake, I fear this might not be possible. It makes my heart ache for my mom. Having two kids who love each other completely and then considering the relationship between all of us – I hurt for my mom and have a level of fear that her birthday party ends up being a warzone.
Things 1 and 2 are toxic. In an effort to start clearing the air, I went to thing 2’s house this weekend to ask forgiveness for whatever I may have done to offend her. This was a mistake on my part. After being verbally and physically threatened by thing 2’s spouse over the weekend I lost all ability to cope. Yes – you read that last bit correctly – it took one man – 2 inches from my face physically menacing and threatening my family to cause me to run to a dark place. To rip off the scab I’ve been nursing for a long time and cause real distress. It hit me – these people I love as my family – siblings and their mates are bullies – like REAL BULLIES. Not unlike my ex and her family who use words and labels to devalue me, my family uses a different set of labels to devalue and demean each other. Asshole, Bitch, Loony Tune, MotherFucker, etc… They save other ones like ‘Golden Boy’ and you’re just like Uncle (fill-in the blank of shitty uncle).
Sounds fun eh? It’s not – the one thing I did determine through this excercise is establishing distinct boundries, as was suggested by a very intelligent and sane person, is the only way forward. Limit the exposure for myself and my kids from these people, play nice – but keep an open eye and be ready to defend. Not so much being salty as feeling like your family is rubbing salt into their own wounds…….