Thanks Ai for hitting the image on the nose 😉
I got bad news yesterday, something I had hoped would go one way went another. This seems to be happening a fair amount this year, ups and downs, BIG ups and BIG downs. I became redundant again in late May, which caused a decline in my overall mental health. That along with a hot mess of a summer led into a depression which in turn had me increase my medication. The events that seemed so bad have really made a difference for me in so many positive ways. More lessons, more goodness. The clouds however present they are, seem to clear again.
Since my divorce I have had a great number of ‘knock you down’ incidents, most of them I have weathered alone and on my own. Some of them were because of my poor choices and many of them just happened along the way. As it turns out, Apparently, I’m a pretty strong motherfucker. I say apparently because it is apparent I am able to move through these very tough times on my own. There are no hugs, no I’m sorry’s, no one is sitting with me in my sadness, or holding my hand, just me (and Rufas the wonder dog). Of course, sitting in your sadness isn’t a bad thing, it moves in and moves out with time and patience. As my past-potential-pseudo mother-in-law was known to say, no feeling lasts forever. The sun is always shining behind the clouds. I will translate this into be a Weeble-wobble. You can Weeble, you can wobble, but don’t fall down. For me, I keep getting up again. That alone feels empowering.
I’m moved to write after the revelation regarding my own strength. I’ve been castigated in the past over my ‘need to have company’ or my seeming ‘issue of being alone.’ And the truth of the matter is, these are the same people who NEVER have time alone except when their kid(s) are off with their other parent or out doing something with their friends. They have little windows of time alone which they cherish. I understand that aspect of being. Heck, my ex-wife was waving that flag so much for so long it was ingrained into my psyche that I felt maybe there was something wrong with me for enjoying other people’s company and my dislike of being alone. Since then, I have come to look forward to my own alone time to do the things I like to do. It’s not as if I don’t understand it or need it myself.
The difference is extended time alone. Where you have entire blocks of time, hours, days, weeks where you don’t have any physical contact with anyone. Phone calls, yes, emails, of course, polite conversation in restaurants but not intimacy. No deep conversations with someone you respect on the couch. It can be a lot at times and monotonous. I am finding while I am fine on my own and don’t feel a need to have ‘a partner’ a ‘girl-friend’ or ‘friend-with-benefits’, I do miss a connection. I miss the smell of a woman and enjoying spending time with them. I miss having someone to cook for and touch (APPROPRIATELY!) It’s more a point of having someone to share things with in real time.
That all said, I am blessed to have a very close-knit group of men who have seemingly come out of the woodwork over the course of the last year or more. We have revived our old connections and deepened them. It’s amazing to have this community of men. We very much care and feed each other, we know what’s going on and can hear the inflection in a voice that says, I’m not ok even when the voice is saying the opposite. These things are an absolute joy and treasure. In that respect, I am not *ALONE* and still, it’s not the same as having your person. I like to say the men in my circle give good hugs, but their beards are scratchy and, they don’t smell all that great.
Where should I go from here? I’m alone with no one to give me a hard time about neurotically preparing a pint of Ben and Jerry’s for the next go round. No one to smack my ‘meaty ass.’ Just me and my fella out here in our world doing our thing. While the majority of this regards being ‘alone’ it doesn’t mean that I am miserable this way. I am coming to enjoy it. I have found a peace that’s been elusive for so long. I’m determined to keep that peace and moving forward will only not be alone until I can find someone who adds to and expands my peace.
Until then, it’ll be just me and my fella, doing what we do.
With quiet strength and resolve in mind, be kind to yourself, be kind to others. Be someone’s port in the storm and/or rock to cling to. Stay salty!