Over this past weekend my younger kiddo received some news that wasn’t what she expected. It was a heart-breaking soul crushing experience for her. As if all the hard work she’s put in for so long and the things everyone has been telling her came out to be untrue. She was crushed upset and vacillated between moody teen and sobbing child. The idea and message that the universe is in control of things doesn’t really resonate with an upset teenager. As her dad I sat by helpless doing what I could but really, all I can do is listen, give her space to process her emotions and give her hugs, kisses on the head and backrubs.
All of that stated, I found myself angry. Angry that my child was hurting, helpless that I could do anything to alleviate the pain and looking for a reason to go off on someone. Thankfully, there was no explosion. Maybe some terse words between thing two and I but for the most part it was ok. I bring this up because earlier in the week I was speaking with my guy, Jimmy Garrison, and he pointed out my tendency to expect shit to go sideways. By sideways, I mean for things to go wrong or not right or something pop up that I will have to endure. (y’all familiar with the concept of duality will take issue with my right/wrong declarations)
This past Christmas I had a lovely and wonderful trip abroad with my love. There came a point when she was upset about things that were completely out of her control and she was crying and hurting, not unlike my thing 2 this week. In reflection, I was myself not in my best frame of mind, while I was surrounded by people I love and adore, I was feeling alone to an extent. When my love became upset, I reacted in a similar way, I became angry and discontented. This anger I think drove me into an interaction between the two of us that wasn’t nice. It turned into a day full of disconnection and, interestingly enough a physical response I haven’t had since I went through my divorce. In the end, the outcome was a stronger bond and better understanding between us, but the journey to get to that place could have done without about 18-24 hours of each of us feeling hurt and worrying about things.
What I’m wondering now is if this feeling of ‘lack of control’ and ‘anger’ is really fear left over from when I was a little boy in a chaotic household. Usually, it was my dad I’d be watching and managing, sometimes, my older brother, sometimes it was dancing between the storms of what seems like my older brother, sister and dad. These storms held emotional, verbal or physical abuse. In my family, words were used as weapons in the way that hands were used to whack you a good one. If I try and take an unbiased view of how my siblings and I, we each managed to find a coping mechanism, be it control, being an authoritarian or what I do, which is crack a joke to disarm folks and get them laughing. I’m good at being empathetic to others and I’m starting to wonder if this empathy isn’t a coping mechanism to help me figure out where the threats are in any given room. Is it fear and not empathy? It’s like sometimes there’s a switch that comes into play that is all about self-preservation rather than anything else. By identifying the potential danger and disarming it by becoming empathetic to that person, I somehow keep myself safe. This fear based coping mechanism is good (or works) until it isn’t. As good as my life is right now, as centered as it is, sometimes it’s not and I lose my balance. When that happens, all hell can break loose.
Time and time again, I have examples of times in my life where I have been fearful, and it’s manifested itself into anger. I lash out and then feel badly afterwards. Hiding behind anger is easier than being left vulnerable to be hurt maybe. This anger in retrospect doesn’t feel so great. It’s what was done to me as a kid, and the one thing I didn’t want to pass on to my kids, and yet – somehow, I am positive I have. Once I figure this out for me, it’s going to be imperative that I figure it out for them too (or at least try to share with them and apologize.)
All this is great theory, but the events of this week coupled with the disagreement I had with my love a month ago leads me to wonder if it’s not all fear. When those people I love as much as anything in the world are hurting, I become able to cope to an extent, add one more stressor and I lose my ability to do anything except look inward and fall victim to the voices and stories in my head. So now I have more work to do. I’m going to have to have a head-to-head interaction with the thing I am most fearful of. I guess this is as good a time as any to do it. I have the unwavering support of my love and a safe space to do more work. It would feel good if my unsinkable optimism was always natural and the lingering expectation of something going sideways just went away. This is the work I guess. More work on accepting the person who looks back at me in the mirror. My love once told me to stop looking in the mirror if I don’t like that person. She’s smarter than I am and sweeter too than this salty bastard.
So there you go – deep and not so deep thoughts from someone who is still trying to figure it out. It feels like the answer is close enough, every time Jimmy and I get close, I back away and protect myself again. I want so much to put this away and get to the other side of it. It’s like 90% of the time I’m good, but the 10% causes more trouble than it’s worth.
In the meantime, I’ll continue to try to be kind to myself and others while doing the work and continuing to be empathetic for those people who need care and love. I hope if you’re reading this you can do the same. We need more kindness and love in the world.
