Chat GPT’s version of a man out of work for 270+ days and still hopeful…
I just received news I didn’t want to hear and I’m trying my best right now to find the good in this situation. These thoughts are bouncing around my head. I’m hopeful this will help me clear them.
I put on my ‘rewire’ playlist – songs that in the past triggered memories of past experiences and relationships. Of course, the first one out of the gate is Thin Lizzy’s ‘Still in Love with You.’ I associate this tune with what I can only describe as a life changing relationship. While incredibly toxic, this is the one that set me on this journey, the one that opened up my need to write to process and recognize I do have limits. Thinking on that last sentence, Historically, I have done a bad job with establishing my own limits. In relationships I tend to give myself wholly and completely without any expectation of getting anything in return. It’s always felt good to give to people, to help them if I’m able. Reflecting on this, patterns that have emerged, as much as I don’t wish it to be the case, I wonder if I do have a ‘type’ I seek out in relationships. I’m drawn to strong women, tough ones, not tough in the outward sense, but tough in that they have seemingly done big things over the course of their lives – things I’m not sure I am tough enough to do. While I am awestruck at their accomplishments, What I wonder is if they don’t feel particularly tough themselves. When faced with someone who appreciates them completely (all of it – good, bad, ups and downs) – it becomes too much at times. It sure seems that way. I know my own insecurities have gotten in the way of my understanding someone in need – I think this happens more often that not. Then we (the royal We) use language to feel better or feel superior to those we don’t quite understand or threaten our way of thinking. I know I’ve felt judged for my vulnerability when those feelings resonate with others who can’t quite trust their own feelings.
These relationships have given me insight into myself, mostly it seems as if I trust too many people too much. It leaves me in a position where I lose the ability to be rational. I’m either too far in, on the fence or not in enough. While I am growing more used to living on my own, working to my own schedule, doing whatever I really want, whenever – I do miss the companionship. I miss a thigh to put my hand on while driving, I miss bringing someone coffee. I think the thing I miss the most is coming back to bed after a run to the bathroom (I am a middle-aged man!) and kissing someone in middle-of-the-night darkness. Or reaching over to feel my partner close by. I don’t think any of us were designed to be on our own. In my case, I’m not on my own, I have a handful of very close friends and we take care of each other. We’re constantly in communication and it’s brilliant. For me, I miss having a trusted partner who can hold up the mirror, show me all the stuff that’s not so nice about me and love me through the process of accepting myself. In order to get there, I’ll need to meet someone I feel I can trust. Someone who doesn’t see my worries as weakness, but as kindness. Someone who will laugh at my bad jokes and establish trust between us that we can be our ugly selves and still be worth loving.
I’ve spoken to Anthony about this. His counsel has been to be intentional and don’t move too quickly as I venture out into the wild. I am taking things one day at a time, personally and professionally. It’s been 274 days since I was last employed. The longest stretch ever. Another first, it’s been this is another half a year since I’ve been in any sort of relationship and we’ll call it 500+ days since what I considered the very best relationship I’ve ever experienced. What do these numbers mean? Honestly, I have no idea. Do I fall into the trap of ‘this too shall pass’ or ‘no one feeling lasts.’? Should I embrace impermanence?
Impermanence to me seems to be a cop out, an excuse to find a way to feel better in the face of hardship. The word itself just means – not permanent. What in our lives is permanent? I ask this question as a parent. Is the love I have for my children impermanent? Or the love I have for my father who is no longer of this earth? Is the love I have for myself impermanent? I am a word-nerd. It’s a word that is used as a shield – it keeps us from feeling the changes by hiding behind them. It feels misleading. If something changes rapidly – one can simply say to another – well – nothing lasts forever and smugly move on. One of my favorite questions is: ‘What’s new and exciting?’ and I ask Anthony this every time I see him. His response to me is more positive and straightforward than the discussion of impermanence, he says everything is new and exciting every moment of every day. We’re always changing. He is right we are always changing. Everything is new and exciting – this to me feels like looking forward and not excusing changing directions with language.
I’ve got no job, no love of my own (thigh to feel, ass to rub, companion), a house, mortgage, bills, etc… Everything is new and changing. I am grateful for what I have that is mine and I am in a good place in that I have my own resilience and a roof over my head. The people in my orbit are along for the ride and their love is neither impermanent nor wavering. They have consistently turned towards and not away. They step in with love, a joke, a listening ear and provide support and encouragement. Everything is always new and exciting. It’s going to be ok, permanence or lack thereof be damned.
Hell yes I am salty today. It’s the salt I created from the sweat of worry and life. Fuck impermanence – love your people fully and completely. While they are in your lives they are permanent fixtures and part of your journey. Turn to them when they need you and be the rock you and they deserve. And be kind to yourself and others.
