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Over the last few months, a strange thing has happened for me. I’m in this place where everything is very much inside the lines. By inside the lines, I mean to say, I don’t react, I don’t get angry, I don’t get happy. I just occupy this middle place. Externally, everything is fine, internally I need to find a way to release what’s brewing inside of me and I’m unable to do it. I’ve watched hours of programming which usually elicits a reaction, nothing. I listen to music that normally touches an emotion and nada. Most times I am good at perceiving what’s going on inside, when I don’t know I’m usually patient and consider all the facts in play to figure out where and what this feeling is. For the first time in a very long time, I have no idea. It’s unsettling.

My guy, James Jamerson, suggested I listen to music or be still and try to tap into what’s brewing inside of me, or seek out the counsel of someone I trust to see if somehow talking through whatever is eating at me will end up releasing this. I’ve tried both and it’s not working. A – I can’t get there myself and B- well – no answer.

Following his usual guidance, I’m trying to be kind to myself and let this flow. More and more though I feel this coming up inside of me and I don’t know how it’ll come out. At times, I can be angry and have conversations in my head (maybe I’m nuts?) to walk through the things I still can’t seem to process and then, I am very quickly sad for feeling this anger. Being outside helps, I’ve walked more in the last months than I have in a long, long while. Still though, this is weighing on me.

As a kid, I was exposed to very angry people. A lot of my childhood has been dealing with folks that are angry and sad. As a little boy I just watched and felt. When it was directed towards me I was cute and entertaining and that seemed to take away the edge. Other times, it just caused more rage. To say I don’t like anger would be an understatement, I’ve seen enough for a few lifetimes. When it comes up inside of me, I put it aside and try to understand.

The thing that is causing me so much distress is this middle place of no rage or anger and no happiness. I just exist. I could just as easily not exist and I’m not sure it would make a difference. My kids would miss me maybe, then again, maybe I’d just be right on target for dad.

I don’t know how to get away from this feeling. There are not enough substances to numb it. Leaning into it doesn’t help. Leaning away from it doesn’t either. It feels like being tied to a block of ice. It hurts and at the same time it’s just numb. Like your arm falling asleep at night.

The good thing, if there is a good thing, is I’m perfectly able to stop this feeling, I have the means here in my house. The good old Ruger P89 – it’d do the trick and make a mess at the same time. The downside is my kids may or may not get over it, my dog would freak out and my mother would not understand, it wouldn’t be good for her. The rest of my family wouldn’t really give a shit.

A while ago, I stole a quote from somewhere on the internet….’if one wants to get through it, they do. They find help. It starts and ends with the individual.’

What I don’t know what to do with is when you ask for help and no one steps in to help. It feels melodramatic to say I feel close to breaking and I still I do. I find myself wishing for this pain to go away. By any means possible. Except I can’t get away. I honestly don’t know what to do. At what point does faux gratitude help? For once, I would like to be taken care of instead of everyone else’s backstop. Not sure how much longer I can.

God Damn it…

Rumination isn’t much use really and still I’ve caught myself looking backwards over the last 10 years. I was telling a friend of mine how all hell broke loose in 2014 how my life started to unwind. I wonder if there are other people who have lost a parent who then themselves became lost? I have swung wildly one way and then another. I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to please other people, now it seems that things have swung the other way where I am stubborn and focused on myself.  The irony here of course is that my heart wants to do for others and connect with them as much as I can while protecting myself from being hurt. I don’t know how to process that dichotomy. How do you look after yourself and serve others simultaneously? Damn if I know.

In the 10 years since my father died, I’ve had an affair, gotten divorced, was estranged from one child and then the other, lost a few jobs, taken a few others and then finally found a short period of clarity where everything seemed to be falling into place. Then it wasn’t anymore. The upside, as I’ve written before is I have a better relationship with both of my kids than I have ever. Myself, I feel more stable, despite a few shots to the equilibrium, than ever. The downside is while I can connect with people finding a deeper meaningful connection remains elusive. I can’t seem to stop getting in my own way.

I’ve been thinking about this lately. Am I distrustful and don’t want to be hurt again? How can I want to be accepted so badly by someone and push them away at the same time? Does this pushing people away cause me to hurt them instead of acquiescing, letting go and letting them love me? I think it’s unnatural to be distrustful, it goes against every fiber of my being and somehow, I end up being distrustful or worse not giving people the opportunity to know and understand me.

All of this has me up and down again, I want to be clear; I don’t mind the guy in the mirror. He has some foibles and that’s ok.  He’s just tired and sad. I’ve been non-committal and frankly, a bit of an asshat lately. An asshat that hurts people by shutting down and being standoffish. In the end it just hurts me too.

I’m pretty sure if I spoke to James Jamerson about this, he’d tell me to be kind to myself and give myself a break. And as best I can I am. Still things linger, conversations and actions that didn’t go together suddenly make sense. I am at a point of giving up whatever it is I hold as ‘what I know’ any longer and give into accepting what I truly want. What I want is a partner who accepts me along with my foibles, someone to play and be goofy with and have someone I can take care of and hold at the end of the day. I’ve come this far and I’m willing to fight for what I want and those I love.

I’m not sure this is so salty, nor is it supportive – I am hopeful the message lands and second chances are a real thing.

It’s been 10 years since you left us. Today our family is still fractured. I am divorced. There are upsides – two of your 4 grandchildren are married and doing quite well for themselves. Mom is thriving and keeping things in order. My siblings are still annoying each other. My kiddos are in college – the big one finishes in December (she’s in school in Switzerland! SWITZERLAND!!!) and is as rambunctious as she was when she was little. The little one is a rising Junior, she may be done in another year and a half and proudly told me the other day, the last time she got a B was in middle school. They are amazing, whip smart, smart-asses and very kind.

I miss you. So much has happened that’s simply nuts. Almost too nuts to describe. On the one hand, I’m glad you missed some of it (Crazy elections, COVID, an attempted coup d’état) and on the other hand, It would have been nice to get your take on things. Heck, I even bought a boat by accident, maybe a happy accident at that! Finding my footing after you left has been a challenge. Things have gone anyway but straight, sideways in some ways, backwards in others. There are people I have known you would have absolutely adored; some you would have questioned my sanity.

Wherever you are I hope it’s nice. I hope I see you again one of these days beyond my own dreams. In January, you would have been 90. Crazy to imagine.

In the meantime, I’m going to keep trying to look after mom, take care of things one and two. Things will be alright just like you said right after you left.

I’ll see you when I see you.

It’s been another bit of a while since I’ve written, there have been thoughts, semblances of things I wanted to write about and none of it seemed worth capturing. I’m about to come home after roughly 2 weeks with my extended family abroad. My mom has been with her two remaining siblings every day for the last two weeks. She’ll be here another 3 weeks after I leave. Watching her and her sisters just be, communicate, pontificate, share recipes and enjoy each other has been an incredible privilege. These ladies can spend 10 minutes discussing the merits of different hand mirrors in a store, swap potato salad recipes for hours on end and still find time to fuss over their kids (and nephews). While I am tired, it’s been a long couple of weeks of not sleeping in my own bed and being out of my element and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

Christmas Wise-Guys…..Maybe Christmas isn’t so bad?

This place, my aunt (now my cousin’s) house has been a central meeting point for my family since I was 13. I watched my cousin’s grow up here, move out, move up, move on. There are so many ghosts of memories tied up in this place. It doesn’t hurt that my younger cousin is the spitting image of his dad. It’s been a warm visit. We’ve played, played HARD as 40 and 50 year olds. Beer has been consumed, stories and gags shared. The kinds of gags that persist within a family and are only continued by pulling them on each other when we’re together. Trying to make sure the younger kids pick up on them and repeat!  It’s a familial cycle which brings me lots of joy!

This trip we had 18 of 22 of my family together. A new record! Aunt’s (my mom’s generation), cousins, 2^nd cousins and a 3^rd cousin with one on the way – it was glorious! As a pseudo-German speaking person, I could sit back and listen to all of the conversations and soak them in. This helps me rely on these memories for the rest of the year and look for opportunities to re-connect with my folks here as well. Post-divorce, I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces and reconnect with my family, my kids, my siblings, my mom, cousins, etc… to establish what ‘Family’ means to me. Family is EVERYTHING for me. The chaos of family gatherings is something I didn’t grow up with and seek out whenever possible now. Even my older kid has recognized the amazingness of embracing your extended family and thanks for college abroad has connected as well. All of this makes me incredibly happy to experience and witness.

In the middle of this love fest, I have found myself again. I feel more like me than I have in months. Certainly, I still have many strong feelings. I discuss these with my guy James (Jamerson) and his guidance has been to feel my feelings and let them pass through. It’s hard to describe being moved to tears from being happy and having this place feel full again after being empty for so long.  I am hopeful, and more important to me, finding a place to feel settled in, connected to. I’m whistling again, listening to lyrics, dreaming, day-dreaming and thinking about travel plans for later in the spring. 2024 has been, just 9 days in a banner year already. I open my eyes and look forward to the day, the challenges and all the fun that’s out there to be had.

Happy New Year Folks – remember – be someone’s rock, their port in the storm, a safe space and take good care of yourself and others. Love first and Stay Salty!

Peace has been elusive in my world and it’s been a minute or two since I’ve last written here. Many things have transpired over the last couple of months and this one has me thinking enough to lean into and share.  My partner Maya and I were having a conversation recently during dinner prep and we were talking about our previous relationships and the one we find ourselves in now.

“We have a happy and peaceful experience with each other” she said (I am hoping I got that quote correct!). When she said those words, they landed. Happy and Peaceful. That’s exactly the place we reside. Are there times when we disagree? Absolutely and we turn towards each other in those times by giving each other space, love and understanding. By and large though, we are connected even when we’re apart physically. We live and reside in a peaceful partnership.

This is antithetical to the way I was raised and the examples of love I witnessed and experienced for myself. This is not to say I was raised in an environment without love, but rather I was raised in a somewhat chaotic and contentious environment. There were stressors and we all felt them. There was yelling, throwing of hands between myself and my siblings and certainly enough psychological damage done so we can ensure (collectively) the therapy profession stays employed. Moving right along, I chose a partner to marry and raise children with who had a similar background. The mother of my children and I had a shared experience of a chaotic and often times verbally abusive childhood, maybe that’s why we were drawn to each other once we got past the initial infatuation.

Either way, my marriage was a stormy relationship at times, again, not to say there wasn’t love and appreciation, but there was a lot more yelling than I would like to admit. Many times, it was my storminess which sucked up all the air in the room to put out whatever fire was smoldering. My children endured that, they themselves are coming to terms with the damage their mom and I subjected them to, they too hopefully will learn peace sooner rather than later. At least that’s my hope for them and that they’re able to bring that peace or find a partner who helps them bring that peace into their homes when they get there.

As I sit and write this post, I am in a space that is peaceful and neat, my butter dish is clean and my house is organized and decorated for Christmas. There has been a wholesale shift in my outlook of things, yes, I’m still having to do life and figure things out, but the manner by which that figuring out is largely devoid of anxiety and stress.  Of course, I still have interactions which cause me to be angry or frustrated, I’m not in any way better in that respect, but I am able to put those reactions in a place where I can feel them, accept them and move on. This too is new stuff for me.

This change, this happy and peaceful transition has been a slow process. At one point in my relationship with Maya I was in an all fired up hurry to move things along. Only now have I started to see the indicators of new growth and the value of the strong set of roots we have established together in which our partnership is rooted in. We have taken a good long while to do the work individually and with each other. There’s a level of trust and acceptance firstly with ourselves and then each other which seems to supersede the singular when one of us is in need or trouble (ie stressed about something).  I’m still working to be better at listening and not reacting, I am much better than I was when we first started and there’s still a way to go, I am confident that place will come. By and large I’m there, but edge cases remain.

Things are good right now. We are good and connected. I feel a peace that’s very new to me. It’s different. As someone I love might say, Interesting even….  What I keep coming back to is the happy and peaceful existence I am sharing with my love and the gratitude I feel to be able to learn and grow into this space with a partner I respect and admire.

As I often times write, be kind to yourself and others. Give someone time and space and be their port in the storm or solid rock to lean on. Smile and be gracious. Just keep yourself a little salty….

What do you want? What do you like? What can I do for you? These 3 questions that tend to put me into a panic zone. I can usually understand what I want, know what I like and don’t like and have learned how to respond when someone asks me what they can do for me. In the past, and being honest, even sometimes now default responses are: “I’m good with whatever you choose” or “I like everything!” and of course the dreaded – what can I do for you? Now I feel compelled to find something that you can do for me that’s helpful, but not too demanding, appropriate but not overwhelming, not too much trouble because you can’t ever really expect to get what you ask for.  I am trying to honor the question when it’s posed from someone who very much so just wants to hear what I have to say. It’s not always easy though.

I’ve spent my lifetime hearing the words of my parents, “YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAVE! YOU DO NOT WANT!” When anyone asks me what I ‘want.’ At this point, I could drop into the psychology of being the 3^rd child in a chaotic household with overbearing baby-boomer parents (one of which was a child of WW2) who were doing their best to raise 3 kids and had their own dose of trauma inflicted on them. I could say this is inherent in my childhood that I can’t feel solid in my own skin to ask for what I want, to ask the hard questions and feel safe in the asking.

The truth of the matter, as an adult, as fully formed person in my own right, I can ask for what I want, would like, need, and ask someone to do something for me because that’s a need I have in that moment. I’m slowly wrapping my noggin around this concept. I am grateful to have a partner who pushes me and provides a safe place to learn about asking and receiving what I want or need. A safe place to share what I’m thinking or feeling without backlash (I do think there’s a bit here and there but it’s natural). Being transparent, it is nerve wracking the sharing of thoughts about things I want or need, and it does sometimes cause me worry that she might just get tired of all of it and tell me to buzz off. What saves that rabbit-hole inducing thought is us having had enough conversations about ‘yes – this is what we’re doing, we’re doing this together come hell or high water.’ (last part  – hell or high water – is my riffing on an idea but I think she’d approve) We are committed to the process and to the relationship we have built and continue to build and it’s in that light, I have to commit myself to all those questions and asks for what I want and need giving them the full send trusting the process.

What I still struggle with sometimes is the reaction to the ask sometimes. Maybe it’s there, maybe it’s not. Maybe I am expecting a response that never happens, maybe the response is delayed and then I don’t know what to think in the meantime but worry.  Maybe, just as I am still learning to ask, I think the people in my life who earnestly want to know or hear what I have to say may still be coming to terms with my sudden voice to ask.

What I know is I am very much loved even when I’m a knucklehead. What I want more than anything is to have everything settled, see the people I love regularly, hope they can see me for who I am and not who I have been. Develop deeper relationships with my friends and my family and cultivate a small few folks with whom I can be who I am all the time. With my flaws, with my peccadillos. I’m getting there. Slowly. I can believe my partner loves me for me, even if I do drive her nuts. Meanwhile, as all this percolates, it’s my intention to continue to be me, to love those people I love with everything I can (and not lose myself) and trust the universe knows what it’s doing. It’s not always easy, it’s not always good for my sleep patterns. In the end we do what we can the best we can in that moment.

As I say all the time, I am trying to be kind to myself and others and be a stable place for myself as all this stuff takes a little time to process. I hope if you’ve read this far you can too be kind to yourself, understanding of others and do the best you’re able.

I was cleaning out my closet the other day trying to make sense of things (It’s a mess!) I knocked over a bag which was filled with old cards from my kids and family, photos, letters and strangely enough book covers.  I’ll call this a happy accident because I had been thinking about something I’ve wanted to write for a while. As I thumbed through the cards, there were several anniversary cards from my ex-wife and other things like old photos of my kids and stuff from college. What was strange, aside from the fact I don’t remember keeping these, was the timing of re-reading this stuff. I had literally, 20 minutes prior,  read an article about relationships and how, when we’re intentional about them, they can help heal us when there is someone in our lives who is truly in it with us and can reflect what we can’t see with love and understanding, healing the parts of ourselves we don’t quite want to see or relive.  A good partner helps us see our blind spots and become aware of them while helping us understand why we can’t see what we don’t want to while always loving.

A quoted passage from the article I read:

“Life is relationship. We are constantly relating to one thing or another. However, within this infinite sphere, the loving relationships are undoubtedly the most powerful catalyst or activator of the truth. If life is a school, relationships are our university. Through relationships we have a chance to mature and activate the human values that facilitate our evolution. This process happens because the other, regardless of whoever they may be, is always acting as a mirror that reflects the parts of ourselves that we need to see. Sometimes, the other reflects aspects of the higher truth and the Being that dwells within us, and other times they reflect aspects of the transitory truths that also inhabit us.”

Sri Prem Baba, from the book Love and Be Free

For the better part of my life, I have felt relatively unworthy of the love I’ve received. It’s not that I couldn’t feel the existence or presence of love and affection, it was more along the lines of ‘this is really nice for now, at some point, it’ll all be gone and I’ll be alone.’ I’ve documented enough times how I’m good at pushing people away before they can push me away or leave. I’ve read, this is a reaction to not having your needs met as a child and/or young/adult. If I think about growing up, it wasn’t that my needs weren’t met. I got to play outside, get into trouble, play with my friends, wander aimlessly in the woods, fish, run barefoot,  etc…that part is the stuff I really enjoyed and still reflect on with a whole lot of happiness. I was free in the woods to explore and create.  It was the environment inside my house growing up that was full of chaos. There was always turmoil of some sort, my dad, my brother, my sister and brother fighting, there were times of peace, but always the smallest twitch or misunderstanding away from an outbreak of chaos.  I had to always be aware of who was going to explode and how I was going to mitigate that risk either by being cute, a smart ass or trying to disarm the scariest person in the room. That habit transformed as an adult and gives me my ability to speak to anyone, about nearly anything and connect with whomever I’m speaking (most of the time!). I’m good at idle chit-chat and the occasional dive into a sensitive topic, just not too deep! I have always felt the need to be nice and funny, considerate and non-intrusive. By understanding where the danger is and knowing how to disarm it I could keep myself safe. These are all great skills, except when you are in a relationship and the wheels come off. In close relationships, marriages and dedicated partnerships – no one knows you and can hurt you like your spouse/partner. They hold the cards of your happiness if you’re young and immature and not fully functional emotionally. Of course, this is bullshit, they don’t REALLY hold the cards, it just feels as if they do.  Reading old letters from my ex-wife only drove home  (in retrospect) how unprepared I was to live with someone, much less get married. Even then, I am sure I read her words and they didn’t land. Reading them now, in the headspace I am in today is upsetting. I know now what I didn’t know then, at best I did the best I was able at the time, but there was real love and affection there and yet I was unable to see it or much less believe it.  I wrote to her after our divorce and told her, the thing I regret more than anything else is how I lost sight of trusting what we had because I couldn’t ask for what I needed. An affair didn’t help of course, it was both the cause of our divorce and a symptom of how broken I  (and our relationship was from my perspective) was. (make no mistake – I own my actions – I did what I did!) As weird as this might sound, I am grateful for the lessons I’ve learned along the way.

Today, I am in a relationship that is so far from anything I have ever experienced, it’s hard to categorize it (as if giving it a name will make it more real). This woman meets me where I am always – physically, emotionally and intellectually.  It’s scary and breathtaking at the same time. Scary because I know how I feel about her and the depth of my feelings. Breathtaking because for the first time in my life I can trust and let go (full transparency – I’m still working on this aspect but it seems closer now than ever before). I can fall and know I won’t be alone.  I can trust my partner and myself that we can take the leap together and support each other as we need, how we need. We can be open in our communication and have the belief that we can ask for our needs to be met by the other without fear of judgement, knowing BECAUSE we are loved, we will each make a best effort to meet the other one where they are. For the first time in my life, I can stand on my own two feet and appreciate (mostly) the man I am. I don’t “NEED” a partner to make me whole, I am not so alone that I depend on someone to bring me happiness. Those things stated, this, all of this, with Maya is completely different. It feels different because it is. She’s said that we’ve done this before, she and I, and that we get to do this again together. That’s why what we have is so easy and feels so much like it does. What I know is Maya helps me be a better father, a better son, a better brother, a better ex-husband and a better person. This woman has brought peace into the entirety of my world by just being who she is and how she is appreciating me for who I am even when I can’t see the good in myself.

This blog, my writing has been mostly me exploring the random thoughts in my head while trying to make sense of them by writing them down. It’s been a place where I’ve cataloged highs and lows and how I have learned to accept things which weren’t easy to understand when I started. As my domain subscription is coming to an end, it’s fitting that I have run the gamut of emotional experiences to find myself here in this place writing. Sometimes, this is where thoughts formulate before anyone hears them. Although usually, I have a thought and I might share it with Rocco and usually share it with Maya too, sometimes, she hears it before Rocco. The space we inhabit together is safe and without judgement. For the past year or so it’s becoming more and more a place where it’s easier finding the courage to let down my guard completely (that sentence just put a lump in my throat!) allowing my partner to help me explore my wounds, traveling into the dark places together and take advantage of the mirror of our relationship to see the scars which make us who we are, perfectly imperfect. In this new paradigm we shine the light into the scary places and hold on to each other as we explore and relive our past experiences differently. For me this is all new and wonderful and different. My intention is to keep hold of the hand I get to hold, to love as intentionally as I am able and to do the best I can while I can. Different is good, maybe even better. For once in my life I can’t quite find the words to describe the feeling.

With that I’ll say again. Be kind to yourself and others, be someone’s rock or port in the storm. Love often and fully without judgment, first with yourself then for others.