Category: Uncategorized

Connections….

On a total fluke I happened across a thread on an online forum regarding depression. This thread was kicked off in 2007…. that’s right – 13 years ago and for some reason, reading in 2020, this thread gave me solace. Group therapy … people chiming in regarding their own struggles with depression. Jesus what a revolution. For the first time in forever, I read accounts of people who see themselves the same way I see myself.

….if one wants to get through it, they do. They find help. It starts and ends with the individual.

if one wants to get through it, they do. They find help. It starts and ends with the individual.

I think its worth the journey, the journey back to yourself.

advrider…..

I have been struggling lately with the person who looks back at me in the mirror. That man is an adulterer, a fraud, a shadow of the person who existed prior to the affair. Lovable perhaps, someone with much to offer the world around him – but in his opinion, a charlatan. I am committed to working my way through this fog, it feels very much like a glacier is pressing down on me and it’s grinding it’s way across…. but fuck me – it’s what I have to muscle through to get to the other side.

I revisited some music lately which causes me to have a massive emotional response – suffice it to say, whatever it is, it causes me to de-compensate. Happiness is the only thing that comes to mind – but still it’s odd…. in this case, it’s the juxtaposition of the vocals of Wilson Pickett and Duane Allman’s guitar mastery…. listen if you dare – at 2:43 it gets amazing….

https://youtu.be/0y8Q2PATVyI

So Peter – what is this of connections …. what in the heck are you getting at? I’ve spent some time speaking with Rocco – he keeps telling me to let people love me, to accept their kindness and accept that there are folks in my world who care for me. That my role in their existence is important. You can, if you are depressed, understand how this is hard to fathom. My take on this is somehow you need to accept and take things on faith. I am fortunate in the connections I have made with those people who care for me and offer a different viewpoint.

It’s been two days (or nights) of solid sleep for me … this seems to make a difference in how I perceive the world around me – I am thankful for the sleep. Thankful for the support, thankful for the love that surrounds me.

Maybe this isn’t so salty….too sweet perhaps? I’ve always been told it’s the salt that brings out the sweet…..

Puzzles and pieces and belonging

Recently – very recently, I had the opportunity to see inside a vacation of a tight knit, lovely and loving family. I very much felt like an outsider looking in. It was eye opening to say the very least as my own family, that is, my siblings and I are deeply fractured, so this experience was wonderful and illuminating as ever. I left wondering if I ever will fit in a family again. If my own kiddos will extend an invitation to me about the lives they lead. If I will ever ‘fit’ in a family unit again. If I will ever allow myself to be worthy of love and able to receive the comfort and support of a ‘family.’

In about 2 weeks, I’ll hit the milestone of 6 years after the loss of my father. That loss caused a shift in the lives of so many people, mostly mine, but also my kids and my now ex-wife (actually – she’s been my ex for 3 years!) as well as friends and family members. Being the first person in my family (aside from my uncle) to divorce has been an interesting evolution. Navigating birthdays and my ex is always a difficult situation although the upside is it’s getting easier. What is always surprising is the overwhelming feeling of failure when you go back and see old memories in photos of your once ‘happy’ family. I struggle with this old vs new reality. While I can’t take full responsibility for the entirety of this new normal, it still hurts knowing you caused the whole thing in the first place.

What has been a recurring theme for me is being alone. Alone in my own head with my thoughts is a dangerous place. In the absence of alternate information, I have a tendency to create a storyline in my head – I’m not worthy of love, I am a screwup, I am just lucky to be here plodding along with my whatever it has become life. While these are recurring thoughts I am good at pushing them away with copious amounts of beer and/or bourbon, it’s the quiet times when this becomes almost unbearable. My therapist, let’s call him Willie Weeks, and I keep going around and around on these topics. Every now and again I get closer to an answer and then I stop and deflect. It is to me akin to putting a red hot poker to your temple, if I stop and think on this topic – a red hot poker to the temple seems less painful than dealing with this emptiness.

I titled this one Puzzles Pieces and belonging…. I am still very much puzzled if any part of me will fit into the larger aspect of a new family unit or at least belong, I can only dream of being considered a constant and beloved member of a unit. What I want more than anything is to be loved and cherished, accepted and understood… I guess this is what everyone wishes for …. I just don’t seem to be worthy of it quite yet. Now THAT is a salty statement!

Awakening

A strange thing happened to me recently which has shaken my knowledge and perception of love and life. It has caused me to feel much more deeply than I ever thought I was capable of feeling. While on the one hand I am logically worrying that this is an upward swing of emotions and yet another highest of highs almost like mania – I feel really really bad. Recently I ran into a former love, I say former, because I stopped that relationship because I was unable manage living in two worlds and I was tired, tired of my medication and in a bad place where one goes when they aren’t happy with anything. I was overweight, drank too much, was pulled in too many directions and blind as I could be that my love only wanted to help me – instead – I shut her out too. So then I decided we ‘weren’t compatable’ ended the relationship and moved along.

Then I started another one – a blissful happy romance with someone from my past with whom I shared a great past, but never once crossed paths. It was wonderful, healthy and loving.

For several months – then I started to wonder as I came off my meds and healed a little more, as I got more spring in my step – I started to wonder about my past love. How was she? What’s she up to? I would see her in passing around town being cautious to not engage. I was trying to keep a solid boundry. Then one day I saw her and the floodgates fell wide open, I had a viceral reaction that stayed and is still a constant. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, my heart pounds and aches. So what do I do? I break off my new relationship because I can’t (and won’t) be in a relationship with someone for whom I can’t look in the eye and profess complete adoration for. Lying and Love I’ve found, as a former adulteror, do not go hand in hand.

So what now? My former love is in a relationship and I, of my own actions, are left alone to ponder what if – to try to peice together why and hope that someday, this longing and this pain my heart subsides. It’s a funny thing pain – you hurt someone, they hurt you – if you won’t or can’t face the reasoning behind the pain with substance and honesty it will never abate.

I guess the best part of this, if there is a best part of this, is being able to be honest with myself and those around me who I care about and love. Being transparent and loving in that transparency seems to make things a little better. I am able to be honest and tranparent with my children who only want dad to be happy. I guess I’m back to being hopeful that if love goes away, true love will come back and make a happy home.

Y’all stay salty – enjoy the spice of life – remember, forgive first and love always.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

It’s been maybe a month or just under since I stopped taking my meds. It’s been an amazing month or so at that. Yeah I cry way too much for now, but it feels so very good to feel. Being able to feel without worrying about feeling like too much is a great place to be.

While I still have a tendancy to beat myself up for past actions, I can at least being to consider forgiveness for myself. Someone I care for deeply laid some truth on me in regards to forgiveness and being content with life as it is (which is pretty sweet!) and I’ve found myself vaccilating between two differing musical mantra’s:

One I had been saying for a long long time – hoping for things to get better. Sure enough, with a whole lot of therapy, good friends, divine intervention and sheer luck they have. I found myself listening to this and competely breaking down in tears – thankful and mindful of the journey I’ve taken.

The most recent emotion along these lines is joy. My therapist – Willie, suggests I abide in the goodness and enjoy the feelings. The funny thing is how Amazon music’s selection algorithm place String Cheese Incident’s ‘Joyful Sound’ in the mix. It’s at this point the dichotomy of feelings, those I had been managing the past two years – between ‘it’s got to get better’ and being content and happy with where I am today hit me. I am one fortunate SOB.

So then Pedro – What does all this goodness have to with the labels? If you’re so content – what’s the big deal one might ask…. it’s a fair question (if one at all)……In order to shed light on my hatred of labels – one has to go back a couple generations in my family to understand how anxiety and lack of self confidence breed pettiness. I’m not the only child in my family – two came before me and they, like me, have their own issues with axiety. How it manifests in each of us is different. After the loss of our father all hell, as they say, cut loose. We are beyond disfunctional. As most families are – we have our sibling rivalries – the elder two – have grudges that predate my existence (I’m nearly 49!) and their respective spouses have dug in as well to help carry those grudges (along with a few of their own!).

This in itself isn’t news – as mentioned – find a family who doesn’t have disfunction and then go buy a lotto ticket – what I’ve learned is we’re all nuts. As I said – it’s not news – except our mom – has a big birthday at the top of 2020 – I mean BEEG – with a zero behind it and everything. She’s invited her own family to come from overseas, her local friends, lifelong friends, church family and pretty much anyone who knows her to come celebrate 39×2+2 laps around the sun. This idea scares the ever loving bejesus out of me. I seriously doubt (while I hope I’m wrong) my two siblings and spouses can be civil if even for a little bit for our mother’s sake, I fear this might not be possible. It makes my heart ache for my mom. Having two kids who love each other completely and then considering the relationship between all of us – I hurt for my mom and have a level of fear that her birthday party ends up being a warzone.

Things 1 and 2 are toxic. In an effort to start clearing the air, I went to thing 2’s house this weekend to ask forgiveness for whatever I may have done to offend her. This was a mistake on my part. After being verbally and physically threatened by thing 2’s spouse over the weekend I lost all ability to cope. Yes – you read that last bit correctly – it took one man – 2 inches from my face physically menacing and threatening my family to cause me to run to a dark place. To rip off the scab I’ve been nursing for a long time and cause real distress. It hit me – these people I love as my family – siblings and their mates are bullies – like REAL BULLIES. Not unlike my ex and her family who use words and labels to devalue me, my family uses a different set of labels to devalue and demean each other. Asshole, Bitch, Loony Tune, MotherFucker, etc… They save other ones like ‘Golden Boy’ and you’re just like Uncle (fill-in the blank of shitty uncle).

Sounds fun eh? It’s not – the one thing I did determine through this excercise is establishing distinct boundries, as was suggested by a very intelligent and sane person, is the only way forward. Limit the exposure for myself and my kids from these people, play nice – but keep an open eye and be ready to defend. Not so much being salty as feeling like your family is rubbing salt into their own wounds…….

Depression, deep rest and coming up for air

I’ve suffered for a good part of my life with very strong feelings, lots of times it felt like a yo-yo. Sometimes super highs would be followed by soul crushing lows. At one point as a 20 something despondant college student someone suggested something (ie Meds) to help me deal with the highs and lows. A discussion ensued with my parental units and they were supportive, but did point out there would be things I’d have to give up (like beer and I like beer) to be on the meds. An interesting thing happened after that point, I learned, through speaking with a therapist, to control my highs and lows without the need for meds. Things were, for the most part, alright. Yeah…strong feelings were still there, but the massive chaos seemed to dissipate and was controllable.

Marriage and kids tested this chaos as more pressure comes with getting older and having a family to care for. I would blow up sometimes to beat my spouse to blowing up and being nasty to our kids. By sucking the air out of the room, I took the heat for being the bad guy, but also didn’t have to deal with anyone being nasty. In effect I could control the outcome with being the one who was a blowhard. Over time, this isn’t so cool either as you worry about what’s going to set someone off so you go off yourself seemingly unprovoked. I had lived with this behavior as a kid and now I was perpetuating the same abuse on my own kids I endured. Let me tell you – that realization doesn’t make you feel any better as a parent. Worse yet – go to church and realize that God the Father loves us despite our failings and then look at how you treat your own kids by yelling at them over stupid things – oy vey…. Capitol G GUILT!

About a year ago, I was sitting in church on one of my favorite liturgical days of the year – Pentacost. Everyone wears red, we read about how wondrous God’s words are that they are able to be heard in the native language of everyone hearing the word of God. As if God were speaking to them directly. As wonderful as this all was, I was miserable. I wanted to die and was trying to figure out my exit plan…. this was the depression talking. Thankfully, I had built in a pressure valve and called a dear friend for help, called my therapist and my Primary care provider, a week later I was on anti-depressants and starting to feel much better. I was ashamed it took me 25+ years to get to this point and thankful I got relief from the anxiety I had been feeling for so long.

Over the past months I’ve found myself on a slippery slope back towards the darkness. I have a dear friend and classmate who describes depression like falling down a hole. He’s a much better writer than I am, an award winning journalist actually, but he’s right – it feels like you’re drowning. Lately I’ve lost the ability to cry which is troubling, I’m a crier – I cry when I’m happy, sad or just plain moved. It feels good to get that emotion out. I look forward to the day when someone makes me cry happy tears again.

Ok – so what about this coming up for air thing? Where’s the positive? Good question. I recently had a bang up day – a really great day – like it went to 11. I had a great weekend, a wonderful lunch, locked down a venue for a very special 80th birthday party for someone I owe nearly everything to capped off with lots of magnificent feelings. Jim Carey once said that depression is really your body’s way of saying you need a deep rest. I will buy that description. As for me today, I feel like I have ridden the free diving sled to 100 feet and I’m now ascending, my lungs are filling with air as much as my heart is filling with gratitude as I rocket back towards the light.

I’m as lucky as they come. I am Loved. I am healthy…things are looking up.

Stay Salty my friends – life needs a little spice

On rocks, bottoms and new beginnings

I was talking with Rocco the other day and mentioned this blog as well as my fascination with things that just endure…. and my name. I like to think sometimes at different points in our life, we’re either a calm or raging ocean bashing ourselves on the rocks relentlessly or sometimes we’re just the rocks taking a beating standing up to the chaos. If you’re the rock, you endure and support, if you’re the rock, you can be a foundation. (If you’re a round rock, you can keep Sisyphus from being successful unless you’re the hill he’s rolling the rock up!) What does that mean exactly? I don’t know…. but I’m searching for an answer. I do know I’ve been the rock and I’ve been the chaos and witnessed the damage the chaos can do.

An old friend of mine shared this nugget : https://youtu.be/Bg_Q7KYWG1g

It’s a worthwhile 10 minutes – the takeaway for me is when you hit the bottom, at least then you have a firm foundation to build from again, so like Sisyphus, you get up, re-evaluate, make sure everything works as it should, making adjustments for what you just learned moving forward however you’re able. Stand up – endure – move forward. With new knowledge and purpose.

Begin Again.

Hoping to take my own advice… stay salty my friends.