I’ve suffered for a good part of my life with very strong feelings, lots of times it felt like a yo-yo. Sometimes super highs would be followed by soul crushing lows. At one point as a 20 something despondant college student someone suggested something (ie Meds) to help me deal with the highs and lows. A discussion ensued with my parental units and they were supportive, but did point out there would be things I’d have to give up (like beer and I like beer) to be on the meds. An interesting thing happened after that point, I learned, through speaking with a therapist, to control my highs and lows without the need for meds. Things were, for the most part, alright. Yeah…strong feelings were still there, but the massive chaos seemed to dissipate and was controllable.
Marriage and kids tested this chaos as more pressure comes with getting older and having a family to care for. I would blow up sometimes to beat my spouse to blowing up and being nasty to our kids. By sucking the air out of the room, I took the heat for being the bad guy, but also didn’t have to deal with anyone being nasty. In effect I could control the outcome with being the one who was a blowhard. Over time, this isn’t so cool either as you worry about what’s going to set someone off so you go off yourself seemingly unprovoked. I had lived with this behavior as a kid and now I was perpetuating the same abuse on my own kids I endured. Let me tell you – that realization doesn’t make you feel any better as a parent. Worse yet – go to church and realize that God the Father loves us despite our failings and then look at how you treat your own kids by yelling at them over stupid things – oy vey…. Capitol G GUILT!
About a year ago, I was sitting in church on one of my favorite liturgical days of the year – Pentacost. Everyone wears red, we read about how wondrous God’s words are that they are able to be heard in the native language of everyone hearing the word of God. As if God were speaking to them directly. As wonderful as this all was, I was miserable. I wanted to die and was trying to figure out my exit plan…. this was the depression talking. Thankfully, I had built in a pressure valve and called a dear friend for help, called my therapist and my Primary care provider, a week later I was on anti-depressants and starting to feel much better. I was ashamed it took me 25+ years to get to this point and thankful I got relief from the anxiety I had been feeling for so long.
Over the past months I’ve found myself on a slippery slope back towards the darkness. I have a dear friend and classmate who describes depression like falling down a hole. He’s a much better writer than I am, an award winning journalist actually, but he’s right – it feels like you’re drowning. Lately I’ve lost the ability to cry which is troubling, I’m a crier – I cry when I’m happy, sad or just plain moved. It feels good to get that emotion out. I look forward to the day when someone makes me cry happy tears again.
Ok – so what about this coming up for air thing? Where’s the positive? Good question. I recently had a bang up day – a really great day – like it went to 11. I had a great weekend, a wonderful lunch, locked down a venue for a very special 80th birthday party for someone I owe nearly everything to capped off with lots of magnificent feelings. Jim Carey once said that depression is really your body’s way of saying you need a deep rest. I will buy that description. As for me today, I feel like I have ridden the free diving sled to 100 feet and I’m now ascending, my lungs are filling with air as much as my heart is filling with gratitude as I rocket back towards the light.
I’m as lucky as they come. I am Loved. I am healthy…things are looking up.
Stay Salty my friends – life needs a little spice