A very dear friend of mine recently sent me a note that has me trying to make sense of everything relationship-based in my life. By relationship, I mean finding my person to have a relationship with, not so much about my family relationships, they’re good. My kids, that’s good stuff, we’re happy, they’re good, healthy, have plans for the long-term and immediate future with offramps in clear view if they need to change directions. My 86-year-old mom is good, things shifting and she’s good. Excited to be with her sisters for a good long while as am I. Work, a new job I started in November is rolling along, I am getting my feet beneath me and happy with what I’m doing.
I’ve spent a good amount of time building up walls to protect myself from being hurt again. I know better than to dream so I keep my feet firmly planted on the ground. Every now and then something comes along and obliterates those defenses. I’ve spoken with my guy, Charles (Mingus) about this. He keeps telling me there is no reward without risk. For me it’s like putting my hand in the fire to pick up something pretty knowing there’s a chance to get burned. I’m just now getting to a point where I feel good enough to stick my toe back in the pool. I don’t want to be alone, not because I’m not ok that way, but as I’ve heard other people say, we weren’t designed to be alone.
Where I am having trouble is navigating the memories and the feelings. When the feeling hits that maybe this person (on an app or actually in front of me) could work. They’re smart, have enough naughty to be fun and grounded in who they are. I get those feelings you get when you meet someone who seems to be on the same frequency with you. I’m rarely nervous anymore when I meet someone new. Then that someone you meet knocks your socks off. They have depth, character, enough life experience to not take life too seriously and laughs at your jokes. Better yet, they make you laugh like you haven’t laughed in a long time. Those are powerful combinations! Those things tend to get me out of balance in a good way.
Someone got me thinking recently about what actually makes two people work long term — not the butterfly’s stuff, but the foundation underneath it. I saw a TikTok about relationships that work between two people. The statement was there are 4 things that make a relationship last. Friendship (and Brutal Honesty), Trust, Carnal Love and Respect. If any one of those 4 things slides, the rest suffer. One additional thing is curiosity. Being curious about and with a partner, play have fun together while you grow and evolve together.
As things continue to move along, I am becoming increasingly deliberate of where I spend my time (and with whom). Lately, there is much less free time. This is a net good thing, it’s just new to me after having large blocks of largely unstructured time aside from focusing on finding a job. I have time to focus and think again. This is a slow process of getting back to the person I am while shaping the person I am hoping to become. It’s a lot. It’s a lot of me to hope someone else will appreciate and finding that person is more and more of a challenge as I become more discerning.
I like to joke about being out here in these mean streets trying to find a partner who digs me and is someone I hope to grow old with. It’ll happen…patience and timing. It’ll happen. Stay the course, eyes on the prize.
As I always close with, in the meantime, be someone’s rock and port in the storm, love yourself, be kind to yourself, I’ve taken to saying there are plenty of people in the world who want to kick you in the nuts, don’t let the person in the mirror be one of them. And as always, Stay Salty my friends!