Roughly 30-45 days ago there was an upset in the force – after a prolonged period of unhappiness I made a change, decided not feeling was as bad as feeling too much. Since then, I reduced and removed my meds (with physician oversight!) as well as removed alcohol from my daily regimen. I’ve added activity in the area of going to the gym and have become much more active socially. All good things…..
So then – why all the confusion? Right now I’m blaming this on coming off the medication. I’m up and down, happy one minute, anxious the next – is it the medicine? Is it me? Is it all the mistakes I’ve made along the way which got me here? I really don’t know. My kids tell me I’m grumpy (gee – dad doesn’t like being ignored and has grown a spine), my ex-wife vaccilates between being a co-parent and beating me up for my past transgressions (you know – I’m a two-timing, 24/7 lying philanderer who should be lucky I get to enjoy my children and put food on the table). There are several different narratives going through my mind in quick succession, each gives me pause, because of the way my thought process works I have this need to evaluate each one then move on. It’s a noisy place in my brain.
One of the things I’m not entirely sure of is when the meds fully go away if my brain will allow me to get back to the tranquil place I was before I started to not feel – or if I will return to this place where I am anxious all the time. I don’t think that’s the case and I will return to crazy land. Nearly 2 years of therapy has helped me to recognize when things don’t feel quite right, the work (and the reading – oh the reading!) has allowed me to understand to give myself a break and share with someone safe how I’m feeling. All that said. I often times find myself falling back into the belief that …’maybe I’m too much, maybe I’m too weak, maybe I’m too sensitive…’ which then again allows me to let others take advantage of my own shame.
It’s going to be an interesting ride the next couple weeks as the meds leave my system and I try to find my own point of equilibrium. I hope for anyone who may read this they understand the need to endure and move forward through the questions and trusting your gut. For me – I’m going to see where this goes. If I have to go back on a little meds – so be it – although a part of me wonders if with the right support, love and understanding if growth without meds isn’t the better way for me.
Stay salty my dear friends…..