I’m not feeling very well recently. I’m tired, worn out and I’m rapidly losing my ability to be anything beyond either emotionally distant or empathetic. After 4 days of not really sleeping coming off of two weeks of crazy emotional ups and downs I am left in this place where I’m somewhere between anger and sheer exhaustion. I could be angry, but it takes too much energy.
I am lonely. While I don’t require anyone else to make me feel better or cheer me up, I am realizing the sheer enormity of time I spend on my own. It would be one thing If I were getting anything done, but that’s not the case. More or less, it feels as if I’m holding space, burning time for someone else’s benefit. Kids have task’s they need dad for, there’s finding work and waiting on someone else’s schedule. There’s stepping around the eggshells of my family’s insecurity’s, being sure not to have any kind of intelligent conversation with anyone. Any real conversation usually devolves into a polemic about all things we disagree on. I’m nearly 51 years old and somehow, my needs, my thoughts, my emotions are too much, not enough or just wrong.
The one bright spot for me has been caring for my mom who’s just had major surgery. It’s like caring for a toddler who’s up multiple times a night. I enjoy being able to fuss over her and make sure she’s fed and watered, that her medications are delivered on time and being able to keep an eyeball on her to gauge her progress now 9 days post-surgery. She’s made remarkable progress in that time. It hasn’t come without a price to my own sanity though. When I do get a break, it’s not really much of a break, run some errands in the evening and not get any downtime, maybe a beer at the local brewery, of course, alone.
The worst aspect of this all is the network or fabric I tend to depend on is stretched thin or just plain unavailable. There has been a fair amount of illness and death in the last month amoung those people I turn to. As is my tendency, I don’t want to impose on anyone who really just needs everyone around them to listen and let them be how they need to be. What do you do when you yourself are in trouble and can’t show up as your best self? It’s not for lack of trying, I am literally doing the best I’m able right now and it isn’t working.
This post – like my mood is shitty. I feel less like someone else’s rock and more like a millstone around someone’s neck. My tank is empty and it’s hard to be kind to others, much less kind to myself. I’m hoping this dark cloud moves away, yeah the sun is shining behind it, but oy vey does the rain suck.