I’ve been on a kick lately binging old re-runs of Anthony Bourdain’s ‘Parts Unknown’ and enjoying it. I’ve written about Tony in the past, if you’ve ever experience deep depression and you’re good at faking things, you can see his ups and downs through the show. It wasn’t before I had experienced deep depression and the struggle of managing it that I have come to recognize it in others. Not quite the superpower I wished for, but it is helpful at times.
I don’t know if I’m weird in that I can identify with this guy who was 12 years older than me or if it’s wishful thinking that I do and have anything in common with him at all. Anthony Bourdain was a troubled and tormented soul. Whoever looked back at him in the mirror was, to use his words, a charlatan, a phony. Someone who was going to fake you into believing everything was ok, then he was going to steal your ice cream and pop your balloon. I know this guy as he was represented in me, I am taking a leap that Tony felt this way too.
For a good long while I didn’t like the person looking back in the mirror at me. He was fat, had middle aged acne, a weird sense of humor and a funny laugh. He was a liar, he put things in neat little boxes and was good at keeping all the plates spinning until he wasn’t. He was always putting on a brave face and rarely if ever let anyone see the damage or the pain right under the surface. I imagine to some extent, this is the life Tony lived. Yes, he had huge talents and was this gigantic personality, but under all of it was, as I imagine, this kid who didn’t quite fill into the body of work. The man in the mirror he saw was not the guy we all saw and appreciated.
With a new movie coming out July 16th called ‘Road Runner’ a biography of Tony this feels like as good a time as any to discuss that dichotomy of who we are and who others think we are and how we find a space to hear those people who love us. Over and over again, in Parts Unknown we see Tony give a huge amount of respect and outright love to everyone, he’s self-less in his apparent appreciation of the role he was able to play. If you watch the show, his dear friends are all effusive at how much they love him, his old pals regale him with old stories and they share deep ideas. I can’t help but imagine how anyone must have felt in his presence, even if they were old friends. It’s my hope that in those small places, Tony felt comfortable and able to share who he was to those he knew so well. As I’m prone to do, I may be projecting myself a little bit here, for me when I’m in my safe zone, that is with my dear friends who have seen me at my very best and worst, you know who I’m speaking of, those friends who love you when you can’t love yourself. The ones who accept you for you. I know myself, it’s in that space where I feel the most accepted and loved.
As I was reading a review of this upcoming movie, there’s an article in the Washington Post where they share an interview between Tony and his childhood idol, Iggy Pop. He asks the former punk rocker “What thrills you now?” ‘Being Loved’ is Iggy’s response. The article goes on to discuss how Tony missed this response as if it bounced off of him rather than land.
I know for myself, there was a time when ‘Being Loved’ seemed like it was always there for someone else, it was a nice notion, but it wasn’t for me. I wished as hard as I was able and the cynic in me just kept telling me it was fruitless. As Tony would say, there are no happy endings.
To my surprise as the universe would have it, somewhere along the way over the last 6-ish months I turned a corner and don’t seem to mind the guy looking back at me. Being loved isn’t such a foreign concept either and hearing affirmative things is getting easier. I do still struggle from time to time with negative thinking and dark thoughts, but I find myself in a place where there is space to share and heal. A chance to re-wire old thoughts and memories and put them in perspective while being intentional about making new memories. Being Intentional about giving and receiving kindness wherever possible has been key.
I will continue to watch ‘Part Unknown’ and look to see where Tony takes me and analyze his ups and downs. I will try to learn from what I observe and at least try not to emulate his life in its self-destructive coping mechanisms. I understand those things all too well. Somehow, this man who I never knew in his life and his death has shared a little insight into my own madness and given me some sense of what to do and what not to do. In the end, I like to think Tony was impulsive in taking his own life, I think it’s an impulse that for many, as Camus discusses in his book about suicide, is the most rational thing you can consider once you make up your mind.
My experience with rational and irrational thoughts of suicide have changed since a particular day roughly 11 months ago. I have been transformed and had I acted on my impulse then, I would have missed out on all the goodness that has unfolded before me. The sense of belonging and being valued is new to me and yet not quite lost on me either. This goodness that I’m not sure ‘I deserve’, has certainly transformed my expectations as well as my outlook. I can accept this goodness and enjoy the peace it brings me.
I for one wish Tony had made a different rational thought. Having written the goodbye note myself, literally scratching at the paper with the pen for relief, I know that space, or at least the space that precedes it. I hope that if you’re reading this and have been in that space before, or recently, that you find someone, anyone who you can confide in and make a call for help.
With this utterly too long post I will take my deep (and not so deep thoughts) and ask you to be kind to yourself and others. Love freely and forgive yourself as well as everyone else. We’re all doing the best we can. When you can, be someone’s rock and safe shelter. Shake your ass and make someone giggle. We will all be better for it!
Most of all stay salty, if not a little spicy!