We’re two Saturdays into 2025 and it has a different feel. I’ve always been excited and ambivalent about the new year. It’s been so long since there’s been a reason to celebrate the ball dropping, having my person to smootch – just because or the first foot. I am hopeful, always hopeful, the coming year is full of goodness and change. For my own part there are small changes in place and I’m trusting the process.
A lot happened in 2024. A LOT. It wasn’t the best year I’ve had despite coming off a traumatic 2023, as always I am unapologetically who I am. I have trusted with the assumption whatever happens is supposed to happen and worry doesn’t really matter. The upside is the mental gymnastics it takes to stay positive and push the unknown (worry) out of your head. I’ve learned to focus on what’s going on now and being present in the moment. Some days are much harder than others. Still I keep moving forward.
Not all of 2024 was a shit-show. My older daughter graduated from college, my mom had a surgery and is mostly recovered now, she’s a verifiable Titanium SuperHero! My older brother has somewhat come back into the fold, my younger keeps kicking ass with her perfect GPA and looks like 2025 is going to be her year to finish college. I get to play with my kids and goof off with my very good friends.
I’ve been fortunate to have help when things got hard. In my last post I was nearing the bottom which I found a few days later. Rumination, worry, sadness – depression sat on me. I couldn’t get away from it. The deeper I swung the more I reached out for help. The down side and perhaps the upside was those I reached out to, my former most trusted, were silent. It was a fight to see the sun come up and for a little bit I fantasized about putting a slug through my head. I saw Rocco that week and more or less spent our session breaking down. Again, thankfully a good friend came and took my firearm when I asked him, no questions asked and checked my headspace. Other close friends rallied and checked on me. I upped my meds again which has helped in the longer term.
The clouds come and pass again, the only really interesting thing is the tachycardia I’m experiencing fairly regularly. It’s hard to sleep when your heart is beating out of your chest. I suspect my keeping calm on the outside is taking its toll on the inside. Exercise helps but even when I kick my ass with a workout, sleep eludes me and I default back to the trusty Ambien to find sleep.
As much as I am not in control of what’s happening around me, I am able to find peace in small bits and be kind to myself. It’s less difficult and still not easy. There is worry. Even Rufas-the-wonder-dog has picked up on the recent state of being and stays very close at all times. As we’re 11 days into the new year, I have no idea what will happen in the future. I have hopes and realization that what’s been won’t be again. A blessing and not so much of one. I often ask Rocco when I see him, ‘What’s new and Exciting?’ to which he responds everything is new and exciting all the time.
He’s right of course. Who knows what tomorrow is going to bring any of us, we’re certainly not promised a tomorrow. Being mindful of the past while we sit in the present and enjoy the goodness is my attempt for 2025. That and moving every day. We’ll see what happens, the good stuff is all around us when we look for it, smiling and laughing at the stupid keep them at bay and being present for those I love is what I’m trying to put my focus on.
Stay Salty…..