Holy Moly – two posts inside of two weeks! Dude – What gives??!!
I haven’t been on this sunny-side of the street for a very long time. I’m dreaming, I’m doing better at work, I’m more patient than I’ve ever been and feeling very content. I’ve been mainlining music on YouTube and done more dancing in the past 2-3 weeks than I have in a good long while.
Life is G-R-A-N-D!
It’s a little scary if I’m being totally honest. Waiting for the other shoe to drop and also realizing maybe it’s not going to (because we don’t wear shoes in the house!) As I’ve written previously, I have suffered from having very strong feelings for a while. It’s not a bad thing usually, but when you throw in my dogmatic certainty and overwhelming joy and excitement it’s a whole lot to swallow. Especially for people who don’t know me very well. I often times worry about being too much and realizing that unfortunately that’s how I am wired. I can play it cool for a while and then the enormity of my joy is, well, overwhelming at times. Even for me. This is where I have to remember to trust what’s being reflected and not guess, but rather remember to be intentional.
What I’ve found is I’m scared to death. It’s not a matter of not trusting or not embracing the joy. What I find myself doing, and wrongly doing at that, is to wonder if this level of happiness is something I’m entitled to? Of course, that’s complete BS and I most certainly am entitled to all the joy. It’s a strange place to be in because I’ve realized I have control to a point and the rest I have to just ride like a wave of goodness.
As I laid in bed last night not sleeping as soundly as I should have, it struck me. As I proceed down this path away from what I know and have known I realize the path I’m walking down is a path I haven’t travelled before. As with any journey, you see the new stuff and it rightly makes you start to compare it to things that you have known, those concrete experiences. I’m trying as hard as I can to enjoy the journey this time and not compare it to anything although I do think it’s our nature to try to have a touchstone back to what’s familiar and well known. As a little kid, I was almost too trusting of people and those experiences taught me to build a safe zone. The pain you know, no matter how bad it was, is still a known quantity. Hopefully that’s all in the past and the future is bright (I gotta wear shades – Timbuk 3 reference anyone?).
I decided, when I put down my suitcase of guilt and regret, to move forward in my life. That means embracing and leaning into the stuff that makes me question if I’m worthy of love and affection. If my dreams of a family and acceptance in that/those family units will come true.
I believe they will and are coming to fruition. For now, I need to be patient and enjoy the journey and trust the hand I get to hold along the path. What will be in the future will be.
Today is beautiful – my children are healthy; my family is well. Things are looking up once again more differently than ever and I am happy.
I’ll be satisfied with being someone’s rock, someone’s safe space and happy in the knowledge the guy looking back at me in the mirror is, in the immortal words of Wooderson – Alright, Alright, Alright.
Be well my friends, love, laugh, forgive and dream!