“Ever Since Happiness heard your name, it has been running through the streets to find you”
Rumi
Reflecting on my last post, especially the first bit, about getting up and getting on with things, I have found a part of my being has simmered down for lack of a better term. Things are clearer to me. This is a strange happenstance as I’ve spent almost the entire last 4 years bouncing from one ‘truth’ to another seeking some type of understanding about the world I found myself in. Along the way and very well documented here, I Imbibed way too much, partied too much, cried way too much and hurt many people along the way who only had my best interests at heart. It might be appropriate to look back with a tinge of shame or regret, but as it usually the case, those experiences brought me to this place. In the end it was a thought first thing in the morning a couple of weeks back and seeing my own reflection in the mirror which made me put down this thing I’ve been carrying to far too long.
Coming to terms with this guy who looks back at me, I no longer see this person I really don’t like. What I see is a man who is kind and gentle (most times), who likes to laugh and who has much to offer the world. As flawed as I am, I have value for myself and for others.
I was speaking with my therapist, John (Patitucci), and he keeps asking and pushing me as to why I can’t just release all of this ugliness and move forward. It feels that way if I’m being completely honest with myself. I no longer feel beholden to anyone besides myself. Yes, I have responsibilities, a job, kids to care for, etc, but beyond those things – the opinions of others, their attempts to cajole or manipulate my behavior have more or less been removed from my general way of thinking. I finally feel free of all that baggage.
If they cannot love me for the person I am, flawed, imperfect but still loving and giving, it is not my issue. I am a good man – with his own life to live and lead. I can show up fully for the people in my life and be caring and empathetic, but not a doormat.
This realization has been a pivotal aha moment: As I am out and about around town, my neighborhood or even just at home, I am seeing things as I have seen them so many times before, but with happier eyes. It’s difficult to describe in words really. For me it seems like this burden I’ve been carrying has been lifted. This newer paradigm feels better. When I pushed back on John about just dropping everything and moving on, I told him I didn’t want to jinx this feeling. Having been through ups and downs of a very great magnitude about a year ago, I am hesitant to fully embrace this feeling of happiness. Having been bitten once and inflicting my mania on others, I am trying to take a more measured pace.
What has helped to a large extent is a practice of meditation every morning. The meditation isn’t always easy as my mind tends to hop right into gear first thing, but when I am able to get back to a point where I am totally focused on my breathing, I have found space where things are calm. I can focus only on my breath and my mind goes free. Maybe the calm of meditation is spilling over into my consciousness, maybe that time out first thing in the morning is what I need and it has helped. The other thing that has helped is getting outside in nature and getting a good walk in. I am walking in places new and old and it’s been really good for my mood as well as mental clarity.
As the holidays approach, since it’s COVID times and I won’t be celebrating the Thanksgiving holiday with anyone, my plan is to throw my dog in the car and head west towards the mountains, weather permitting, to go hike on one of my favorite sets of mountains. Listen to music and try to connect with the outside. Again, I see this as more opportunities to meditate and connect with myself and the world around me. More connections are a good thing.
What all of this may be, if I really think about it is the absence of worry. No – I don’t have all the answers, but I’m ok with not having all the answers. The difference is I can be in this space without worry. The lack of worry for me equates in the short term as happiness, but yet this feeling feels different. I dare say I am hopeful with absolutely nothing in front of me aside from a future that I am in control of. Strange days to be sure, happier days definitely.
With that I am going to tie off my writing for the time being. Stay Salty my friends, love deeply, forgive quickly, spread kindness to yourself and others, grow yourself as a crystal grows, be the rock in someone’s life when they need support or a place to rest.
Be well and be kind your yourself
-Peter