Confusion…..

Roughly 30-45 days ago there was an upset in the force – after a prolonged period of unhappiness I made a change, decided not feeling was as bad as feeling too much. Since then, I reduced and removed my meds (with physician oversight!) as well as removed alcohol from my daily regimen. I’ve added activity in the area of going to the gym and have become much more active socially. All good things…..

So then – why all the confusion? Right now I’m blaming this on coming off the medication. I’m up and down, happy one minute, anxious the next – is it the medicine? Is it me? Is it all the mistakes I’ve made along the way which got me here? I really don’t know. My kids tell me I’m grumpy (gee – dad doesn’t like being ignored and has grown a spine), my ex-wife vaccilates between being a co-parent and beating me up for my past transgressions (you know – I’m a two-timing, 24/7 lying philanderer who should be lucky I get to enjoy my children and put food on the table). There are several different narratives going through my mind in quick succession, each gives me pause, because of the way my thought process works I have this need to evaluate each one then move on. It’s a noisy place in my brain.

One of the things I’m not entirely sure of is when the meds fully go away if my brain will allow me to get back to the tranquil place I was before I started to not feel – or if I will return to this place where I am anxious all the time. I don’t think that’s the case and I will return to crazy land. Nearly 2 years of therapy has helped me to recognize when things don’t feel quite right, the work (and the reading – oh the reading!) has allowed me to understand to give myself a break and share with someone safe how I’m feeling. All that said. I often times find myself falling back into the belief that …’maybe I’m too much, maybe I’m too weak, maybe I’m too sensitive…’ which then again allows me to let others take advantage of my own shame.

It’s going to be an interesting ride the next couple weeks as the meds leave my system and I try to find my own point of equilibrium. I hope for anyone who may read this they understand the need to endure and move forward through the questions and trusting your gut. For me – I’m going to see where this goes. If I have to go back on a little meds – so be it – although a part of me wonders if with the right support, love and understanding if growth without meds isn’t the better way for me.

Stay salty my dear friends…..

Depression, deep rest and coming up for air

I’ve suffered for a good part of my life with very strong feelings, lots of times it felt like a yo-yo. Sometimes super highs would be followed by soul crushing lows. At one point as a 20 something despondant college student someone suggested something (ie Meds) to help me deal with the highs and lows. A discussion ensued with my parental units and they were supportive, but did point out there would be things I’d have to give up (like beer and I like beer) to be on the meds. An interesting thing happened after that point, I learned, through speaking with a therapist, to control my highs and lows without the need for meds. Things were, for the most part, alright. Yeah…strong feelings were still there, but the massive chaos seemed to dissipate and was controllable.

Marriage and kids tested this chaos as more pressure comes with getting older and having a family to care for. I would blow up sometimes to beat my spouse to blowing up and being nasty to our kids. By sucking the air out of the room, I took the heat for being the bad guy, but also didn’t have to deal with anyone being nasty. In effect I could control the outcome with being the one who was a blowhard. Over time, this isn’t so cool either as you worry about what’s going to set someone off so you go off yourself seemingly unprovoked. I had lived with this behavior as a kid and now I was perpetuating the same abuse on my own kids I endured. Let me tell you – that realization doesn’t make you feel any better as a parent. Worse yet – go to church and realize that God the Father loves us despite our failings and then look at how you treat your own kids by yelling at them over stupid things – oy vey…. Capitol G GUILT!

About a year ago, I was sitting in church on one of my favorite liturgical days of the year – Pentacost. Everyone wears red, we read about how wondrous God’s words are that they are able to be heard in the native language of everyone hearing the word of God. As if God were speaking to them directly. As wonderful as this all was, I was miserable. I wanted to die and was trying to figure out my exit plan…. this was the depression talking. Thankfully, I had built in a pressure valve and called a dear friend for help, called my therapist and my Primary care provider, a week later I was on anti-depressants and starting to feel much better. I was ashamed it took me 25+ years to get to this point and thankful I got relief from the anxiety I had been feeling for so long.

Over the past months I’ve found myself on a slippery slope back towards the darkness. I have a dear friend and classmate who describes depression like falling down a hole. He’s a much better writer than I am, an award winning journalist actually, but he’s right – it feels like you’re drowning. Lately I’ve lost the ability to cry which is troubling, I’m a crier – I cry when I’m happy, sad or just plain moved. It feels good to get that emotion out. I look forward to the day when someone makes me cry happy tears again.

Ok – so what about this coming up for air thing? Where’s the positive? Good question. I recently had a bang up day – a really great day – like it went to 11. I had a great weekend, a wonderful lunch, locked down a venue for a very special 80th birthday party for someone I owe nearly everything to capped off with lots of magnificent feelings. Jim Carey once said that depression is really your body’s way of saying you need a deep rest. I will buy that description. As for me today, I feel like I have ridden the free diving sled to 100 feet and I’m now ascending, my lungs are filling with air as much as my heart is filling with gratitude as I rocket back towards the light.

I’m as lucky as they come. I am Loved. I am healthy…things are looking up.

Stay Salty my friends – life needs a little spice

On rocks, bottoms and new beginnings

I was talking with Rocco the other day and mentioned this blog as well as my fascination with things that just endure…. and my name. I like to think sometimes at different points in our life, we’re either a calm or raging ocean bashing ourselves on the rocks relentlessly or sometimes we’re just the rocks taking a beating standing up to the chaos. If you’re the rock, you endure and support, if you’re the rock, you can be a foundation. (If you’re a round rock, you can keep Sisyphus from being successful unless you’re the hill he’s rolling the rock up!) What does that mean exactly? I don’t know…. but I’m searching for an answer. I do know I’ve been the rock and I’ve been the chaos and witnessed the damage the chaos can do.

An old friend of mine shared this nugget : https://youtu.be/Bg_Q7KYWG1g

It’s a worthwhile 10 minutes – the takeaway for me is when you hit the bottom, at least then you have a firm foundation to build from again, so like Sisyphus, you get up, re-evaluate, make sure everything works as it should, making adjustments for what you just learned moving forward however you’re able. Stand up – endure – move forward. With new knowledge and purpose.

Begin Again.

Hoping to take my own advice… stay salty my friends.

Hello World…..

My name is Peter –  I chose saltypeter.org as a play on a couple of things – 1st – I can be salty – or cynical – or leverage dark humor for dealing with dark places,  2nd – SaltPeter also tends to take the lead of our of pencil – and lastly – because Peter means ‘rock’ …. according to ‘behind the name’ my name derives thusly:

 “Derived from the Greek Πετρος (Petros) meaning “stone”. This is a translation used in most versions of the New Testament of the name Cephas, meaning “stone” in Aramaic, which was given to the apostle Simon by Jesus (compare Matthew 16:18 and John 1:42). Simon Peter was the most prominent of the apostles during Jesus’ ministry and is often considered the first pope.Due to the renown of the apostle, this name became common throughout the Christian world (in various spellings).

I’m a dad, a divorced man, a wishful musician and an  adulterer (reformed).

Roughly 3 years ago I made a decision that impacted the lives of many people. This forum is my place to seek a way of getting my thoughts ‘out there’ while hopefully helping someone else along the way to steer clear of my foibles using me as a cautionary tale.

Divorce is a damn expensive learning experience and heartbreaking.

My family as it now exists is composed of my children – we’ll call them Thing 1 and Thing 2 – high school kids extraordinaire, my ex-wife (she who’s name can’t be mentioned especially when you’re on a date!) and my lovable sidekick Rufas – who is my emotional support shadow (actually canine but what’s the difference!)

I anticipate using this forum to vent about feelings (oh no! some poor sap is down on his luck), therapy with my therapist – for now we’ll call him Jaco – because he’s an incredible bassist and exceptional human, and walking the road after divorce. Look for the occasional nod to a famous or infamous musician as we go along….. Also look for the odd jam track – if I can manage how to post a link.

Until next time – stay salty my friends…..