We’re two Saturdays into 2025 and it has a different feel. I’ve always been excited and ambivalent about the new year. It’s been so long since there’s been a reason to celebrate the ball dropping, having my person to smootch – just because or the first foot. I am hopeful, always hopeful, the coming year is full of goodness and change. For my own part there are small changes in place and I’m trusting the process.
A lot happened in 2024. A LOT. It wasn’t the best year I’ve had despite coming off a traumatic 2023, as always I am unapologetically who I am. I have trusted with the assumption whatever happens is supposed to happen and worry doesn’t really matter. The upside is the mental gymnastics it takes to stay positive and push the unknown (worry) out of your head. I’ve learned to focus on what’s going on now and being present in the moment. Some days are much harder than others. Still I keep moving forward.
Not all of 2024 was a shit-show. My older daughter graduated from college, my mom had a surgery and is mostly recovered now, she’s a verifiable Titanium SuperHero! My older brother has somewhat come back into the fold, my younger keeps kicking ass with her perfect GPA and looks like 2025 is going to be her year to finish college. I get to play with my kids and goof off with my very good friends.
I’ve been fortunate to have help when things got hard. In my last post I was nearing the bottom which I found a few days later. Rumination, worry, sadness – depression sat on me. I couldn’t get away from it. The deeper I swung the more I reached out for help. The down side and perhaps the upside was those I reached out to, my former most trusted, were silent. It was a fight to see the sun come up and for a little bit I fantasized about putting a slug through my head. I saw Rocco that week and more or less spent our session breaking down. Again, thankfully a good friend came and took my firearm when I asked him, no questions asked and checked my headspace. Other close friends rallied and checked on me. I upped my meds again which has helped in the longer term.
The clouds come and pass again, the only really interesting thing is the tachycardia I’m experiencing fairly regularly. It’s hard to sleep when your heart is beating out of your chest. I suspect my keeping calm on the outside is taking its toll on the inside. Exercise helps but even when I kick my ass with a workout, sleep eludes me and I default back to the trusty Ambien to find sleep.
As much as I am not in control of what’s happening around me, I am able to find peace in small bits and be kind to myself. It’s less difficult and still not easy. There is worry. Even Rufas-the-wonder-dog has picked up on the recent state of being and stays very close at all times. As we’re 11 days into the new year, I have no idea what will happen in the future. I have hopes and realization that what’s been won’t be again. A blessing and not so much of one. I often ask Rocco when I see him, ‘What’s new and Exciting?’ to which he responds everything is new and exciting all the time.
He’s right of course. Who knows what tomorrow is going to bring any of us, we’re certainly not promised a tomorrow. Being mindful of the past while we sit in the present and enjoy the goodness is my attempt for 2025. That and moving every day. We’ll see what happens, the good stuff is all around us when we look for it, smiling and laughing at the stupid keep them at bay and being present for those I love is what I’m trying to put my focus on.
It’s been a while since I have posted anything of substance. It’s been difficult latter half of the summer, the relationship I considered my last. The one I was going to have – ie found my person, my partner, etc…. Ended. All of it is gone, the kids I fell in love with, the extended family I felt a part of, the security and the feeling of being tethered/connected with someone is gone as well.
The aftermath is confusing, I feel untethered and floating, unsure of how and where things went wrong. 15+ pounds, a solid 6 weeks of my heart being pinned on 80-90bpm (at rest) and mainlining Ambien just to get 5-6 hours of sleep more or less proved to me) what I felt was very real. The pain is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. When my father died, it hurt. I lost my dad and very good friend. When I divorced my wife (ie – now my ex-wife) it hurt as well, I had failed myself, my spouse and our agreement. Neither of those events touched this level of pain. Now a relatively longer time away from all of it I am starting to emerge again. I’m not the same man I was in some respects and in others I am still very much who I am. I for whatever reason, remain hopeful. In spite of the pain, hope seems a better option.
The upside of all of this, if there can be an upside, is I am a lucky man surrounded by friends and family. My kids stepped in and were present with me in the early days. They just were present and held space with me. Be it just sitting with me to watch a movie or dragging me out to make sure I eat and not drink too much. A group of men have emerged to check on me, to listen to me kvetch and cry. They are walking with me with encouragement and kindness. Sometimes, they whack me on my ass (proverbially speaking) and nudge me forward. Were it not for them and my kids, I guess I would have made it through on my own, however, they helped make things a more bearable. The beauty of the connection and grounding I have with these people is not lost on me. I feel love and acceptance. A rare occurrence for me.
Along with connecting with my friends, this space has allowed me to connect more deeply with my family and my colleagues. Late September and early October brought a work trip overseas. This gave me an opportunity to see my older daughter’s apartment and college campus. To see her world and day to day through my own eyes. What an amazing place she’s in! Church bells on the hour, old ironwork and churches, there’s a water fountain in every square that looks more like a statue than a water fountain. The best part for me was just being in her space, hearing her thoughts in real time and sharing the experience.
In-between weekends, I had a work trip to Montenegro. 49 other crazy people from my company descended on a resort on the coastline and we met, drank, partied and solved problems while soaking up the Montenegrin sun, sand (rocky beach!) and water! I celebrated my 53rd birthday with these people, feeling a different kind of love and acceptance from them. Recognizing the collective of us, we, bear the responsibility to create our company the way we want it to be. It was literally 5 days of love and goodness. It was the epitome of kicking ass and having fun – our company mantra!
The high point of my trip, aside from seeing my older daughter in two consecutive weekends, was connecting with my family in Germany. I was finally able to close the loop on my oldest cousin, Barbara, who I haven’t seen in close to 37 years. Imagine being 15 and having someone you admire and respect, see you, as you are, be amazed and accepting of how you are. This is Barbara. I have missed her and neither of us realized how much we missed each other until we were together. Rarely, if ever am I at a loss for words. I can’t describe this feeling. Aside from finally closing a loop. For an afternoon, we were usually not too far from each other, if not sitting next to and touching knees for an afternoon. I didn’t just get to connect with Barbara either. E and I stayed with her sister, Ursula and one of my other cousins came down as well. Of my mom’s family, 3 siblings had children, the three families were represented. It was just a magical experience. I have always been a family man, as my own family fractured because of my choices, I’ve always sought out a deeper connection with my own extended family and for a time with my ex-partner’s family as well.
For me, these days, I’m moving on, hour by hour, day by day. I’m finding a way to be untethered and yet tethered to myself. Learning to lean on my network and be both lifted up and grounded in their love and support. There are times when I hurt and it feels unbearable. Then, it dissipates. As my former love often quoted, no feeling lasts. I think to an extent it is a true statement. I have many feelings that may mute over the course of time, however, I don’t believe love goes away. It fades perhaps and yet it persists. At least for me.
There is a future in my future. I don’t have any evidence of what it will be except for what is now. The guy in the mirror isn’t so bad, he’s been through a lot and is still kicking. I have my health, family, friends, my dog Rufas and my work family. A new chapter is waiting to unfold and I’m sure there will be bumps along the way and they’ll run their own course.
In the meantime, I’m focused on being my own rock and trying to be kind to myself so I can have the capacity to do the same for others. For the first time in a very long time, I’ve had to let go and park myself in someone else’s port to weather this storm. Is it karma? I’m a lucky? It’s hard to say. What I can say is I am grateful. Grateful to be tied to these people who for some reason or another love me enough to persist and walk this walk.
“It’s about how you get up, not how you’ve fallen”
When I started this blog as a place to express myself, I started right off the bat with my first post with the statement: “I’m a dad, a divorced man, a wishful musician and an adulterer, (reformed).”
Today as I reflect on that statement and definition of myself, I can understand and remember the headspace I was in at the time, but I would have to retract that statement and use this one:
“I am a Dad, A divorced man and a wishful musician. I am a man who is divorced. I am a man who sees a flawed human in the mirror but also understands things happen and appreciates the man before me.”
While this experience has been hard, likely the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, the lessons I have learned along the way have shaped me into a much better man and while I wouldn’t suggest this as a path to learning, I wouldn’t change anything that happened along the way. I think I needed to get to this place to have the clarity I have today (ok – there are some things I would change but not the lessons!). I am thankful, if not grateful for clarity.
The other part of this blog has been mostly about anonymity, I tend to talk around things and leave out specifics so as to keep those who know but might wish to be unknown safe. In this post, I intend to lay out my truth in an effort to find some reconciliation with myself and as part of this, share the truth as I know. It has to be stated – contracts are in place, this matter has been settled, no one named here risks any legal action and since we were all parties to the same stuff, I don’t feel too bad about using any specific names (although my therapist will still be some fantastical bass player) after all, I did pay extra to ensure my affair partner was indemnified from the fullest extent of the law. That last statement isn’t being boastful, she didn’t want me to, but I needed to protect her in the only way I knew how at the time, so I did. Faced with the same decision again – I would do it all over again.
When my affair began 4+ years ago, I was a married 46-year-old man who was unhappy in his marriage and met someone equally unhappy in theirs. This person happened to be my neighbor Virginia. Funny enough, I have an earlier memory of meeting her on the deck of a P&O Ferry between Dover and Calais when I was about 14. She was magnificent and beguiling then, at 46 to me. she was more-so – but the P&O story is a story for a much different day. I won’t for an instant not imagine that the universe brought her to me a second time and I was then and am still thankful it did, even for the pain. The universe is a strange and mystical place….
Our relationship started innocently enough, it’s started with a drunken kiss on a waning full moon. We had both been very attracted to each other and she was in that moment the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. It was like a dream. As it turned out, we were both unhappy and saw someone who needed a partner who would be there for them. For each of us, in retrospect, I think we were both naïve. When we started it I never thought in a million years I would fall so deeply in love with her or she with me. What began as a white-hot passionate affair grew into a deep and abiding love, not without issue, but deep and abiding. Virginia and I went through a crucible together in term of living through private investigators, lawsuits, contracts, arbitrations, etc… it was a hard and difficult path we chose. What strikes me still today is the memory of gathering together to reflect on what transpired and focus on the future. I can still recall very vividly a dinner at Acme in Carrboro… it’s weird the things you recall… Our relationship was a partnership that while weird and containerized in the early times, in retrospect, was mostly good once we were each separated/divorced from our respective spouses. I say mostly good because, as indicated in my earlier blog statement, I carried a fair amount of guilt and shame for being an adulterer and allowed others to leverage that in order to manipulate me. In retrospect, I can see all the ways Virginia reacted to this abuse. I was wrong to let it take place at the time, but when you’re in the eye of the storm, you don’t always see dry ground around you. I allowed my children to leverage my guilt as well as my ex-wife. While I divorced, it took time to set all the ugliness aside. What I am regretful for is putting Virginia through this storm with me and having her watch me suffer. Having watched someone I love suffer myself, it’s heart breaking. I was in a bad place for a long time. I am a stubborn man. She needed more love from me and for me to relent and let her give me the love she wanted to give. I was afraid I would lose everything I had and then some, the love of my children, my family, etc… so I resisted. In the end it took me this time to have this level of clarity. Again – the clarity gives me a sense of relief that I won’t let happen again. When someone offers goodness and love to care for you – it’s important that you trust them to love you well.
My relationship with Virginia spanned over 4 years with multiple breakups along the way. Early in our relationship, we spent time walking in the woods, sharing dreams, frustrations with our families, supporting each other and dreaming together. Later on, once separated, we were able to establish a regular relationship, dinners, nights out, nights in and the nature of our partnership changed. Although, the manipulation in my world continued to bleed over into hers, we were able to spend time together more openly. Although I have to admit, I allowed my shame and guilt to shape how I interacted with her. A regret of mine to be sure. To this day though, the happiest Christmas I’ve experienced as an adult was spent with her and her kids. We had wonderful trips, lots of laughs, vivacious conversations where we argued pedantic points much to the chagrin of the other but overwhelmingly shared a deep and abiding love between us. There really is too much to catalogue here…. most of it good and bad still remains in my mind. Mostly good.
Our love was pure and while we were seemingly twin-flames, we could argue as passionately as we loved. These arguments were exacerbated I believe by each of our own insecurities. In the end though, we could embrace and move forward, for the most part. Along that timeline I continued to struggle with my own demons and she very patiently waited for me. In the end we parted ways, but I have come to reflect on the time, the pure amount of time it has taken me to get to this point. Over the past 3-4 years I’m pretty sure I alone have kept several distilleries and brewery’s afloat. I have been suicidal (documented here), I have been bi-polar (why this blog exists in the first place), I have been massively depressed and yet through it all this person sat with me and watched me suffer offering kindness and love and it was very much lost on me.
I’ve spent a long time loathing and disliking the man in the mirror. For once I don’t mind the guy I see, he’s smarter, more empathetic and forgives more quickly. Throughout our relationship, this wasn’t the case. It has taken time, continued reflection and work to get to this point for me. Unfortunately, my relationship with Virginia fell victim to this roller-coaster of self-dount and self-hatred.
Virginia and I were not without our own issues. Both of us have experienced trauma and suffered as children, we suffered loss and diminishment. Our individual needs for acceptance and self-preservation along with a healthy dose of self-hatred made our relationship that much harder to experience. Life had been easy and hard for each of us. Having been married before, I knew all too well, the one person who can destroy you is the person closest to you who has all your secrets and knows all the soft spots to press when things go sideways. She and I had our own peccadillos and were adept at exposing them while hiding others. This is my blog, I can only say from my own standpoint, I can understand and see with more clarity how all of this unfolded and where things went askew. In the end I can take responsibility for being massively depressed, manipulated, terribly stubborn and needing time to heal. I needed time to learn to forgive myself for my transgressions and to see myself in a new light. Life goes on, memories remain, the happiness that was can’t be diminished.
So here we are now and it’s November of 2020. During COVID times and we just elected a new administration. Hope is on the rise as is the daily infection rates. My relationship with Virginia, like the Trump administration, had lots of stops and starts but in the end crashed and burned. I am moving through time and space and continuing to do the work to heal. The work I am sure will be on-going. My therapist, Ray Brown is a trusted advisor. Helps me move through the ups and downs and get back to seeing someone in the mirror I recognize as a good man. Virginia, as far as I know has moved on, every now and again I hear from her. What I want and hope for her is that she ends up happy, loved and accepted. There’s a whole big part of me that wishes I were the man providing that happiness, love and acceptance, however logic prevails and wishes may come true, in this case, I have to live my life and move on open to what is in my life and what the universe allows to come into my life in the future.
Thirty-plus years ago, a heartbroken Peter wrote “Love is like a rusty faucet, you can turn it off as best you can and yet there will always be a drip.” I come back to those words and that imagery because while we have each moved on, there is an aspect of my heart that will always have a place for Virginia. I can hope that perhaps, she feels the same, however, I can only abide in what I know in my own heart and mind and hope that type of love comes round again.
Stay Salty my friends, love deeply, forgive quickly, spread kindness to yourself and others and be someone’s rock when they need support or a place to rest. In the words of my therapist – be well and be kind to yourself.
