Gratitude – Upon this Rock

On Fortitude, the past and hope

Chat GPT’s version of a man out of work for 270+ days and still hopeful…

I just received news I didn’t want to hear and I’m trying my best right now to find the good in this situation. These thoughts are bouncing around my head. I’m hopeful this will help me clear them.

I put on my ‘rewire’ playlist – songs that in the past triggered memories of past experiences and relationships. Of course, the first one out of the gate is Thin Lizzy’s ‘Still in Love with You.’ I associate this tune with what I can only describe as a life changing relationship. While incredibly toxic, this is the one that set me on this journey, the one that opened up my need to write to process and recognize I do have limits. Thinking on that last sentence, Historically, I have done a bad job with establishing my own limits. In relationships I tend to give myself wholly and completely without any expectation of getting anything in return. It’s always felt good to give to people, to help them if I’m able. Reflecting on this, patterns that have emerged, as much as I don’t wish it to be the case, I wonder if I do have a ‘type’ I seek out in relationships. I’m drawn to strong women, tough ones, not tough in the outward sense, but tough in that they have seemingly done big things over the course of their lives – things I’m not sure I am tough enough to do. While I am awestruck at their accomplishments, What I wonder is if they don’t feel particularly tough themselves. When faced with someone who appreciates them completely (all of it – good, bad, ups and downs) – it becomes too much at times. It sure seems that way. I know my own insecurities have gotten in the way of my understanding someone in need – I think this happens more often that not. Then we (the royal We) use language to feel better or feel superior to those we don’t quite understand or threaten our way of thinking. I know I’ve felt judged for my vulnerability when those feelings resonate with others who can’t quite trust their own feelings.

These relationships have given me insight into myself, mostly it seems as if I trust too many people too much. It leaves me in a position where I lose the ability to be rational. I’m either too far in, on the fence or not in enough. While I am growing more used to living on my own, working to my own schedule, doing whatever I really want, whenever – I do miss the companionship. I miss a thigh to put my hand on while driving, I miss bringing someone coffee. I think the thing I miss the most is coming back to bed after a run to the bathroom (I am a middle-aged man!) and kissing someone in middle-of-the-night darkness. Or reaching over to feel my partner close by. I don’t think any of us were designed to be on our own. In my case, I’m not on my own, I have a handful of very close friends and we take care of each other. We’re constantly in communication and it’s brilliant. For me, I miss having a trusted partner who can hold up the mirror, show me all the stuff that’s not so nice about me and love me through the process of accepting myself. In order to get there, I’ll need to meet someone I feel I can trust. Someone who doesn’t see my worries as weakness, but as kindness. Someone who will laugh at my bad jokes and establish trust between us that we can be our ugly selves and still be worth loving.

I’ve spoken to Anthony about this. His counsel has been to be intentional and don’t move too quickly as I venture out into the wild. I am taking things one day at a time, personally and professionally. It’s been 274 days since I was last employed. The longest stretch ever. Another first, it’s been this is another half a year since I’ve been in any sort of relationship and we’ll call it 500+ days since what I considered the very best relationship I’ve ever experienced. What do these numbers mean? Honestly, I have no idea. Do I fall into the trap of ‘this too shall pass’ or ‘no one feeling lasts.’? Should I embrace impermanence?

Impermanence to me seems to be a cop out, an excuse to find a way to feel better in the face of hardship. The word itself just means – not permanent. What in our lives is permanent? I ask this question as a parent. Is the love I have for my children impermanent? Or the love I have for my father who is no longer of this earth? Is the love I have for myself impermanent? I am a word-nerd. It’s a word that is used as a shield – it keeps us from feeling the changes by hiding behind them. It feels misleading. If something changes rapidly – one can simply say to another – well – nothing lasts forever and smugly move on. One of my favorite questions is: ‘What’s new and exciting?’ and I ask Anthony this every time I see him. His response to me is more positive and straightforward than the discussion of impermanence, he says everything is new and exciting every moment of every day. We’re always changing. He is right we are always changing. Everything is new and exciting – this to me feels like looking forward and not excusing changing directions with language.

I’ve got no job, no love of my own (thigh to feel, ass to rub, companion), a house, mortgage, bills, etc… Everything is new and changing. I am grateful for what I have that is mine and I am in a good place in that I have my own resilience and a roof over my head. The people in my orbit are along for the ride and their love is neither impermanent nor wavering. They have consistently turned towards and not away. They step in with love, a joke, a listening ear and provide support and encouragement. Everything is always new and exciting. It’s going to be ok, permanence or lack thereof be damned.

Hell yes I am salty today. It’s the salt I created from the sweat of worry and life. Fuck impermanence – love your people fully and completely. While they are in your lives they are permanent fixtures and part of your journey. Turn to them when they need you and be the rock you and they deserve. And be kind to yourself and others.

Calamity Calamitous or Fortuity Fortuitous?

Thanks Ai for hitting the image on the nose 😉

I got bad news yesterday, something I had hoped would go one way went another. This seems to be happening a fair amount this year, ups and downs, BIG ups and BIG downs. I became redundant again in late May, which caused a decline in my overall mental health. That along with a hot mess of a summer led into a depression which in turn had me increase my medication. The events that seemed so bad have really made a difference for me in so many positive ways. More lessons, more goodness. The clouds however present they are, seem to clear again.

Since my divorce I have had a great number of ‘knock you down’ incidents, most of them I have weathered alone and on my own. Some of them were because of my poor choices and many of them just happened along the way. As it turns out, Apparently, I’m a pretty strong motherfucker. I say apparently because it is apparent I am able to move through these very tough times on my own. There are no hugs, no I’m sorry’s, no one is sitting with me in my sadness, or holding my hand, just me (and Rufas the wonder dog). Of course, sitting in your sadness isn’t a bad thing, it moves in and moves out with time and patience. As my past-potential-pseudo mother-in-law was known to say, no feeling lasts forever. The sun is always shining behind the clouds. I will translate this into be a Weeble-wobble. You can Weeble, you can wobble, but don’t fall down. For me, I keep getting up again. That alone feels empowering.

I’m moved to write after the revelation regarding my own strength. I’ve been castigated in the past over my ‘need to have company’ or my seeming ‘issue of being alone.’ And the truth of the matter is, these are the same people who NEVER have time alone except when their kid(s) are off with their other parent or out doing something with their friends. They have little windows of time alone which they cherish. I understand that aspect of being. Heck, my ex-wife was waving that flag so much for so long it was ingrained into my psyche that I felt maybe there was something wrong with me for enjoying other people’s company and my dislike of being alone. Since then, I have come to look forward to my own alone time to do the things I like to do. It’s not as if I don’t understand it or need it myself.

The difference is extended time alone. Where you have entire blocks of time, hours, days, weeks where you don’t have any physical contact with anyone. Phone calls, yes, emails, of course, polite conversation in restaurants but not intimacy. No deep conversations with someone you respect on the couch. It can be a lot at times and monotonous. I am finding while I am fine on my own and don’t feel a need to have ‘a partner’ a ‘girl-friend’ or ‘friend-with-benefits’, I do miss a connection. I miss the smell of a woman and enjoying spending time with them. I miss having someone to cook for and touch (APPROPRIATELY!) It’s more a point of having someone to share things with in real time.

That all said, I am blessed to have a very close-knit group of men who have seemingly come out of the woodwork over the course of the last year or more. We have revived our old connections and deepened them. It’s amazing to have this community of men. We very much care and feed each other, we know what’s going on and can hear the inflection in a voice that says, I’m not ok even when the voice is saying the opposite. These things are an absolute joy and treasure. In that respect, I am not *ALONE* and still, it’s not the same as having your person. I like to say the men in my circle give good hugs, but their beards are scratchy and, they don’t smell all that great.

Where should I go from here? I’m alone with no one to give me a hard time about neurotically preparing a pint of Ben and Jerry’s for the next go round. No one to smack my ‘meaty ass.’ Just me and my fella out here in our world doing our thing. While the majority of this regards being ‘alone’ it doesn’t mean that I am miserable this way. I am coming to enjoy it. I have found a peace that’s been elusive for so long. I’m determined to keep that peace and moving forward will only not be alone until I can find someone who adds to and expands my peace.

Until then, it’ll be just me and my fella, doing what we do.

With quiet strength and resolve in mind, be kind to yourself, be kind to others. Be someone’s port in the storm and/or rock to cling to. Stay salty!

Time passes…change is inevitable

It’s been a while since I have posted anything of substance. It’s been difficult latter half of the summer, the relationship I considered my last. The one I was going to have – ie found my person, my partner, etc…. Ended. All of it is gone, the kids I fell in love with, the extended family I felt a part of, the security and the feeling of being tethered/connected with someone is gone as well.

The aftermath is confusing, I feel untethered and floating, unsure of how and where things went wrong. 15+ pounds, a solid 6 weeks of my heart being pinned on 80-90bpm (at rest) and mainlining Ambien just to get 5-6 hours of sleep more or less proved to me) what I felt was very real. The pain is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. When my father died, it hurt. I lost my dad and very good friend. When I divorced my wife (ie – now my ex-wife) it hurt as well, I had failed myself, my spouse and our agreement. Neither of those events touched this level of pain. Now a relatively longer time away from all of it I am starting to emerge again. I’m not the same man I was in some respects and in others I am still very much who I am. I for whatever reason, remain hopeful. In spite of the pain, hope seems a better option.

The upside of all of this, if there can be an upside, is I am a lucky man surrounded by friends and family. My kids stepped in and were present with me in the early days. They just were present and held space with me. Be it just sitting with me to watch a movie or dragging me out to make sure I eat and not drink too much. A group of men have emerged to check on me, to listen to me kvetch and cry. They are walking with me with encouragement and kindness. Sometimes, they whack me on my ass (proverbially speaking) and nudge me forward. Were it not for them and my kids, I guess I would have made it through on my own, however, they helped make things a more bearable. The beauty of the connection and grounding I have with these people is not lost on me. I feel love and acceptance. A rare occurrence for me.

Along with connecting with my friends, this space has allowed me to connect more deeply with my family and my colleagues. Late September and early October brought a work trip overseas. This gave me an opportunity to see my older daughter’s apartment and college campus. To see her world and day to day through my own eyes. What an amazing place she’s in! Church bells on the hour, old ironwork and churches, there’s a water fountain in every square that looks more like a statue than a water fountain. The best part for me was just being in her space, hearing her thoughts in real time and sharing the experience.

In-between weekends, I had a work trip to Montenegro. 49 other crazy people from my company descended on a resort on the coastline and we met, drank, partied and solved problems while soaking up the Montenegrin sun, sand (rocky beach!) and water! I celebrated my 53^rd birthday with these people, feeling a different kind of love and acceptance from them. Recognizing the collective of us, we, bear the responsibility to create our company the way we want it to be. It was literally 5 days of love and goodness. It was the epitome of kicking ass and having fun – our company mantra!

The high point of my trip, aside from seeing my older daughter in two consecutive weekends, was connecting with my family in Germany. I was finally able to close the loop on my oldest cousin, Barbara, who I haven’t seen in close to 37 years. Imagine being 15 and having someone you admire and respect, see you, as you are, be amazed and accepting of how you are. This is Barbara. I have missed her and neither of us realized how much we missed each other until we were together. Rarely, if ever am I at a loss for words. I can’t describe this feeling. Aside from finally closing a loop. For an afternoon, we were usually not too far from each other, if not sitting next to and touching knees for an afternoon. I didn’t just get to connect with Barbara either. E and I stayed with her sister, Ursula and one of my other cousins came down as well. Of my mom’s family, 3 siblings had children, the three families were represented. It was just a magical experience. I have always been a family man, as my own family fractured because of my choices, I’ve always sought out a deeper connection with my own extended family and for a time with my ex-partner’s family as well.

For me, these days, I’m moving on, hour by hour, day by day. I’m finding a way to be untethered and yet tethered to myself. Learning to lean on my network and be both lifted up and grounded in their love and support. There are times when I hurt and it feels unbearable. Then, it dissipates. As my former love often quoted, no feeling lasts. I think to an extent it is a true statement. I have many feelings that may mute over the course of time, however, I don’t believe love goes away. It fades perhaps and yet it persists. At least for me.

There is a future in my future. I don’t have any evidence of what it will be except for what is now. The guy in the mirror isn’t so bad, he’s been through a lot and is still kicking. I have my health, family, friends, my dog Rufas and my work family. A new chapter is waiting to unfold and I’m sure there will be bumps along the way and they’ll run their own course.

In the meantime, I’m focused on being my own rock and trying to be kind to myself so I can have the capacity to do the same for others. For the first time in a very long time, I’ve had to let go and park myself in someone else’s port to weather this storm. Is it karma? I’m a lucky? It’s hard to say. What I can say is I am grateful. Grateful to be tied to these people who for some reason or another love me enough to persist and walk this walk.

What if?….

A couple of Fridays ago a childhood friend of mine died on the side of the road during a run. Mike was out for a run on his own and didn’t have any identification on him. He was found on the side of the road, pronounced dead and laid in a hospital morgue. Once the hospital could get information from his phone and contact his daughter and his twin brother. They each received a phone call from Mike’s phone with the question – what relation are you to the number we’re calling from? This is how they found out their twin brother (and Dad) was dead. They had no idea he was gone until they did. Their lives were different.

This news hit me hard as I know both twins growing up. They along with my oldest friend lived in my grandparent’s neighborhood. We all played together as kids, played soccer together, were in band together, etc. Everyone loved them, they were kind and funny. They were always larger than life even when they were kids. Mike leaves a 19-year-old daughter and a partner of 10 years and her kids behind. He also left his brother, the person who ostensibly knew him best, his carbon copy twin to live for the first time without him, his mom and dad, sister and sister-in-law and nephews. Mike was a giant in his industry and now his colleagues and family are trying to come to terms and grieve after this out of the blue shock.

This is heart-breaking, these guys were, in my eyes, at the top of the mountain. I can’t think of one without the other. We lose people in our lives. I’ve heard people say ‘dying is part of living and none of us get out of this life alive.’ While there’s truth to that, it doesn’t make me feel any better. I’ve lost my father, my partner has lost her mother, these are things that change who we are and how we go on living. Our lives without those people we lost and love so much are different moving forward. We are changed and how we relate to others after that change alters how we see the world around us. For me it has changed how I deal with letting people know what they mean to me. Sometimes, it’s all the time.

When someone who’s healthy, vibrant, larger than life just drops dead it makes you think. At least it make me think and wonder. It has me thinking about my own mortality, my family, my kids and close friends and my partner. If I dropped dead tomorrow, I may die a happy and contented man, how I am right now, having found and actively experiencing love, acceptance, the occasional well-meaning slap on the ass. My life is as good right now as it has ever been.

What about the people in my life who are so dear to me? Do they know what they mean to me? Do they know without question that I love them for who they are? That I am proud of them and love them absolutely? Do they know in their bones whatever issues there were between us don’t really matter and that for me their presence in my life, the experiences we shared, and the love is what matters? Do they know beyond everything else how much they are loved?

The overly dramatic person I am immediately thought about where I am right now. How everything is just right and growing from a pile of shit into something great. Mike was on the same trajectory, having overcome craziness at home with an ex-wife and having to single handedly raise his daughter. My path and Mikes path are /were different but also similar, my life has taken this turn where things were not always as good as they are right now. When I first conjured this post I was thinking of a time (illustrated in a series of photos from May of 2005) There was a glimpse of perfection for me as a parent. It was one of the first times I could stop and be present and realize the amazing perfection of the moment without worrying. Up to this point they had been few and far between. I can think of a handful of them since I was about 15. A handful! Maybe 5? Those 5 I enjoyed on my own and In-between those I had to keep everything buttoned in and not be too optimistic to expect more goodness. Don’t share, if you do share, don’t overshare, don’t be who you want to be (or need to be) in that moment, don’t don’t don’t.

I’ve heard it my whole life: ‘Pipe down Peter’ Don’t whatever…. It’s too much.’ The implication was always thart my behavior was not acceptable – and I should be acceptable. (this isn’t only my experience – I know and have talked about this with other people who have experienced the same) Changing who you are to benefit someone else to your detriment is bullshit. I have done it before and it didn’t work out. Finally I can recognize it when it pops up and characterize the comment as soon as it happens. Sometimes it’s me, sometimes it’s not me but a reaction to me that I don’t control. Either way I’ve learned to not take it personally.

Back to the perfection from May of 2005 – The organizers had a kids ‘race’ where the kids ran from point A to point B (maybe 50 yards) and the ‘winner’ won something – I couldn’t tell you what. I crouched with Eleanor, hyping her up, pointing to the line, to the finish person and gave her instructions on where to run. The gun cracked – the kids all took off and for about 3 seconds I was cheering at the top of my lungs GO ELEANOR!!!! I was sort of sucked in and uber competitive. Then it hit me – shut up and enjoy the show stupid – and I started laughing and really being present to enjoy watching my little girl run totally the wrong way with a silly grin on her face. Her mom was there, her sister was there, they were there to support me – everything was good. Even now, 17 years later I can remember the joy and feel it too. Everything was good – until it wasn’t. There was a family vacation in 2010 where I remember sitting alone on a beach after a very long days drive and feeling very happy and grateful that I could be where I was. I couldn’t believe it, I had gotten here and made this happen. I felt so good! These moments up until about a year ago have been really few and far between. When I experienced these moments, I had to do it on my own and be happy in them and not share.

She’s off and I was in the moment yelling GO!!!!

This is what perfection looks like – I remember feeing the joy of that laugh seeing my little girl run so crazily – in her mind she was just having fun in the moment.

I am finally in this place where I have the freedom to be who I am and who I would like to be. I am able to see and experience moments more fully and they seem to come more regularly. It is a gift, even if I have the propensity to overshare what I’m thinking during them. Rome wasn’t built in a day folks, while I am sentient and can be empathetic, even to people I don’t really like, I’m still figuring out and coming to terms with this new way of being. I have people in my life who love me even when I am unable to love myself. They love me somehow in-spite of who I am and because I am who I am. In the wake of what happened to Mike, I am sitting here wondering how long I have the way things are now? Is this the way it’s supposed to be? How long do I get to enjoy this? Am I going to be able to let these people know what they mean to me? Does it matter to them to know? Am I being selfish in being overly ‘too much’ whatever that is?

As I type this I can’t imagine how the next few years might go, I have an idea based on how this last year has gone and while I know there’s no real point to having these thoughts I want to. There is a part of me that wants a solid plan for this in-between time where I am now and when I get to start a life with someone. I can imagine growing old with a partner and having a deep and meaningful connection that goes beyond anyone else’s imagination aside from ours. It’s odd to me that I can have a daydream for how I want to grow old but no real vision of what I hope for in the interim. I can’t tell if it’s self-preservation that I can’t picture it or that it’s pointless to conjure something in the future that could change in an instant like my friends family’s lives did. I certainly don’t live in fear of it, I am cognizant of the potential of change and what my choices are relative to when or if it comes.

How do you adequately express gratitude? Or happiness? Or love? What is adequate in these terms? What is appropriate? I can hold things back and I do, sometimes I overshare when I lose my ability to keep the lid on and weird things bubble over. How can we love completely, fully without limit and not seem like a whacko? How can we love within limits and not give too much of ourselves? Are there limits where love is concerned?

What if an anvil fell from the sky today or tomorrow and took us or someone we love from us without any warning? These are silly thoughts – we have no control over what the universe has in store for us. But this is my blog so I can offer up these silly thoughts with knowledge that very very few people will read them!

If you’ve read this far you should get a prize! I hope if you’ve read this far you can consider being someone’s rock and safe port in the storm. The person who checks those you love for their own good and growth. That you can first and foremost be kind to yourself so you can be kind to others.

Oh and tell those people you love that you love them, be the light.

Aye Carumba!

Very recently I was sitting with Jaco and tried to make sense of a couple of things. 1) When I get scared or fearful, this side of me I don’t like shows up and 2) At 51 years old I am finally learning about unconditional love.

The first one is easy to understand, I’ve written about this in the past, physical and emotional abuse takes time to process and maybe like cancer, takes its own time to present after eating away at you for a good long while. My experience has been if I can put a name to something, then I can begin to understand whatever feelings may come. It’s not unlike looking in the mirror and connecting the dots – hindsight as they say is 20:20. I know now when I react in a certain way it is fear that’s driving the often-unreasonable emotional response. Taking a breath and taking a quick look at the absolute facts tends to get that squared away and puts me back on an even keel. Sometimes though, it takes a little bit and it’s understandable if you find yourself fighting with an unreasonable story that crops up in your head.

The second one, as I’ve been thinking about it is about believing and knowing that I too deserve to be loved. I know there are people who love me, there are people who despise me and yet still love me to an extent. There are people I’ve hurt who still love me who must keep their distance for their own good. When I stop and consider all of this, I realize the hurt and the damage I have caused comes from my own lack of understanding of my worth and that someone can love or care about me beyond ‘what they are obligated to do.’

I wish more than anything I were a better man and able to understand how people I care about find anything good in me. That lack of understanding allowed me to hurt a good many people unnecessarily. It’s still difficult for me to see the person who is loved. That inability on my part has really hurt several people and while I can’t undo the hurt, I can acknowledge it and hope for forgiveness. My own blindness is to blame if there’s blame to be given.

Over the past year, I have been fortunate to experience a relationship which is unlike anything I’ve known. Maybe I have experienced something similar before and wasn’t able to comprehend, or maybe this is just all the way different. Either way, it feels like someone whacked me good across the head and allowed me to see. There’s a biblical passage about Saul having something like scales falling from his eyes and his subsequent baptism and rebirth – this feels like I imagine Saul felt. A whole new world has opened up. Everything is new and good.

Almost a year ago, A Hail-Mary Fuck-It what’s this going to hurt anything message to a woman I saw on Match.com. She was tall (still is!) and well-travelled, seemed cool and interesting. Clearly out of my league, but who cares, I had nothing to lose and swung for the fences, I sent a message. What are the odds this person will A) find me interesting and B) not be crazy? (SLIM!) To my surprise she responded after a hail-Mary second message (yes I am pathetic). Some message exchanges, some texts, a zoom hangout (Pandemic anyone) a coffee date in person, several emails, and messages later and this woman, Maya and I click. Another marathon zoom session, some walks, a brunch, a bench and a kiss and I was done-diddly done-fore. Never have I ever jumped in without regard to what might happen to my heart or soul. Maya blew all my defenses to pieces in all the ways I realize now needed to happen. My experience a year later and I’ve learned more about love and acceptance, about frustration and resolution. I’ve learned how to lean into trusting and throwing caution to the wind. I’ve learned how to let go and believe (ok – absolute truth here – 98% of the time I believe this) someone can find anything acceptable about who and how I am. I’ve learned about how to be intentional in loving and trusting. I’ve learned to give someone space to be and to not take feedback personally. I’ve learned how to be direct in sharing and, hard as it may be for me, to take a compliment and hear positive language where I am concerned. I am a more patient and understanding man, I am a more complete man. For the first time ever, I feel connected to someone that funny enough, I am not physically connected to as often as I’m used to being and yet we’re tied together. I have happened upon someone I have known before and who I am still learning about every day.

All of this scares the ever-living crap out of me because if I’ve had this before, I was too narrow-minded or stupid to recognize it. As I write this all I can think of or feel is how centered and easy I feel. If all of it went to hell in a handbasket tomorrow, how I feel right now is worth it.

In a couple of days we will be on the other side of an entire lap around the sun together. It feels like a snap of the finger and like we’ve always been doing this. Don’t get me wrong, we still have things to sort out together, we’re still learning how to move together to a rhythm eight beat phrases at a time. What I know and understand is I am loved and appreciated. Fear or no fear, being loved unconditionally by someone who doesn’t have to is a new concept. I like it. I like it a lot. All the time.

Jaco said to me, the price of loving someone deeply is that you may lose them someday. In this case, with my Maya, I am in with both feet up to my eyeballs and I am a better man all the way around for it. Fuck the worry – I am loved, I am in love and grateful for all of it. Things finally seem to be falling into place. Maybe they have been all along and I couldn’t see the goodness. Either way, things are different, I am different and it feels good.

This is a super uber sappy-sweet post and not at all salty – if you’ve made it this far please be present for those people who need a steady presence – be someone’s port in a storm and touchstone for good. Be kind to yourself and others.