It’s been a while since I have posted anything of substance. It’s been difficult latter half of the summer, the relationship I considered my last. The one I was going to have – ie found my person, my partner, etc…. Ended. All of it is gone, the kids I fell in love with, the extended family I felt a part of, the security and the feeling of being tethered/connected with someone is gone as well.
The aftermath is confusing, I feel untethered and floating, unsure of how and where things went wrong. 15+ pounds, a solid 6 weeks of my heart being pinned on 80-90bpm (at rest) and mainlining Ambien just to get 5-6 hours of sleep more or less proved to me) what I felt was very real. The pain is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. When my father died, it hurt. I lost my dad and very good friend. When I divorced my wife (ie – now my ex-wife) it hurt as well, I had failed myself, my spouse and our agreement. Neither of those events touched this level of pain. Now a relatively longer time away from all of it I am starting to emerge again. I’m not the same man I was in some respects and in others I am still very much who I am. I for whatever reason, remain hopeful. In spite of the pain, hope seems a better option.
The upside of all of this, if there can be an upside, is I am a lucky man surrounded by friends and family. My kids stepped in and were present with me in the early days. They just were present and held space with me. Be it just sitting with me to watch a movie or dragging me out to make sure I eat and not drink too much. A group of men have emerged to check on me, to listen to me kvetch and cry. They are walking with me with encouragement and kindness. Sometimes, they whack me on my ass (proverbially speaking) and nudge me forward. Were it not for them and my kids, I guess I would have made it through on my own, however, they helped make things a more bearable. The beauty of the connection and grounding I have with these people is not lost on me. I feel love and acceptance. A rare occurrence for me.
Along with connecting with my friends, this space has allowed me to connect more deeply with my family and my colleagues. Late September and early October brought a work trip overseas. This gave me an opportunity to see my older daughter’s apartment and college campus. To see her world and day to day through my own eyes. What an amazing place she’s in! Church bells on the hour, old ironwork and churches, there’s a water fountain in every square that looks more like a statue than a water fountain. The best part for me was just being in her space, hearing her thoughts in real time and sharing the experience.
In-between weekends, I had a work trip to Montenegro. 49 other crazy people from my company descended on a resort on the coastline and we met, drank, partied and solved problems while soaking up the Montenegrin sun, sand (rocky beach!) and water! I celebrated my 53rd birthday with these people, feeling a different kind of love and acceptance from them. Recognizing the collective of us, we, bear the responsibility to create our company the way we want it to be. It was literally 5 days of love and goodness. It was the epitome of kicking ass and having fun – our company mantra!
The high point of my trip, aside from seeing my older daughter in two consecutive weekends, was connecting with my family in Germany. I was finally able to close the loop on my oldest cousin, Barbara, who I haven’t seen in close to 37 years. Imagine being 15 and having someone you admire and respect, see you, as you are, be amazed and accepting of how you are. This is Barbara. I have missed her and neither of us realized how much we missed each other until we were together. Rarely, if ever am I at a loss for words. I can’t describe this feeling. Aside from finally closing a loop. For an afternoon, we were usually not too far from each other, if not sitting next to and touching knees for an afternoon. I didn’t just get to connect with Barbara either. E and I stayed with her sister, Ursula and one of my other cousins came down as well. Of my mom’s family, 3 siblings had children, the three families were represented. It was just a magical experience. I have always been a family man, as my own family fractured because of my choices, I’ve always sought out a deeper connection with my own extended family and for a time with my ex-partner’s family as well.
For me, these days, I’m moving on, hour by hour, day by day. I’m finding a way to be untethered and yet tethered to myself. Learning to lean on my network and be both lifted up and grounded in their love and support. There are times when I hurt and it feels unbearable. Then, it dissipates. As my former love often quoted, no feeling lasts. I think to an extent it is a true statement. I have many feelings that may mute over the course of time, however, I don’t believe love goes away. It fades perhaps and yet it persists. At least for me.
There is a future in my future. I don’t have any evidence of what it will be except for what is now. The guy in the mirror isn’t so bad, he’s been through a lot and is still kicking. I have my health, family, friends, my dog Rufas and my work family. A new chapter is waiting to unfold and I’m sure there will be bumps along the way and they’ll run their own course.
In the meantime, I’m focused on being my own rock and trying to be kind to myself so I can have the capacity to do the same for others. For the first time in a very long time, I’ve had to let go and park myself in someone else’s port to weather this storm. Is it karma? I’m a lucky? It’s hard to say. What I can say is I am grateful. Grateful to be tied to these people who for some reason or another love me enough to persist and walk this walk.