A couple of Fridays ago a childhood friend of mine died on the side of the road during a run. Mike was out for a run on his own and didn’t have any identification on him. He was found on the side of the road, pronounced dead and laid in a hospital morgue. Once the hospital could get information from his phone and contact his daughter and his twin brother. They each received a phone call from Mike’s phone with the question – what relation are you to the number we’re calling from? This is how they found out their twin brother (and Dad) was dead. They had no idea he was gone until they did. Their lives were different.
This news hit me hard as I know both twins growing up. They along with my oldest friend lived in my grandparent’s neighborhood. We all played together as kids, played soccer together, were in band together, etc. Everyone loved them, they were kind and funny. They were always larger than life even when they were kids. Mike leaves a 19-year-old daughter and a partner of 10 years and her kids behind. He also left his brother, the person who ostensibly knew him best, his carbon copy twin to live for the first time without him, his mom and dad, sister and sister-in-law and nephews. Mike was a giant in his industry and now his colleagues and family are trying to come to terms and grieve after this out of the blue shock.
This is heart-breaking, these guys were, in my eyes, at the top of the mountain. I can’t think of one without the other. We lose people in our lives. I’ve heard people say ‘dying is part of living and none of us get out of this life alive.’ While there’s truth to that, it doesn’t make me feel any better. I’ve lost my father, my partner has lost her mother, these are things that change who we are and how we go on living. Our lives without those people we lost and love so much are different moving forward. We are changed and how we relate to others after that change alters how we see the world around us. For me it has changed how I deal with letting people know what they mean to me. Sometimes, it’s all the time.
When someone who’s healthy, vibrant, larger than life just drops dead it makes you think. At least it make me think and wonder. It has me thinking about my own mortality, my family, my kids and close friends and my partner. If I dropped dead tomorrow, I may die a happy and contented man, how I am right now, having found and actively experiencing love, acceptance, the occasional well-meaning slap on the ass. My life is as good right now as it has ever been.
What about the people in my life who are so dear to me? Do they know what they mean to me? Do they know without question that I love them for who they are? That I am proud of them and love them absolutely? Do they know in their bones whatever issues there were between us don’t really matter and that for me their presence in my life, the experiences we shared, and the love is what matters? Do they know beyond everything else how much they are loved?
The overly dramatic person I am immediately thought about where I am right now. How everything is just right and growing from a pile of shit into something great. Mike was on the same trajectory, having overcome craziness at home with an ex-wife and having to single handedly raise his daughter. My path and Mikes path are /were different but also similar, my life has taken this turn where things were not always as good as they are right now. When I first conjured this post I was thinking of a time (illustrated in a series of photos from May of 2005) There was a glimpse of perfection for me as a parent. It was one of the first times I could stop and be present and realize the amazing perfection of the moment without worrying. Up to this point they had been few and far between. I can think of a handful of them since I was about 15. A handful! Maybe 5? Those 5 I enjoyed on my own and In-between those I had to keep everything buttoned in and not be too optimistic to expect more goodness. Don’t share, if you do share, don’t overshare, don’t be who you want to be (or need to be) in that moment, don’t don’t don’t.
I’ve heard it my whole life: ‘Pipe down Peter’ Don’t whatever…. It’s too much.’ The implication was always thart my behavior was not acceptable – and I should be acceptable. (this isn’t only my experience – I know and have talked about this with other people who have experienced the same) Changing who you are to benefit someone else to your detriment is bullshit. I have done it before and it didn’t work out. Finally I can recognize it when it pops up and characterize the comment as soon as it happens. Sometimes it’s me, sometimes it’s not me but a reaction to me that I don’t control. Either way I’ve learned to not take it personally.
Back to the perfection from May of 2005 – The organizers had a kids ‘race’ where the kids ran from point A to point B (maybe 50 yards) and the ‘winner’ won something – I couldn’t tell you what. I crouched with Eleanor, hyping her up, pointing to the line, to the finish person and gave her instructions on where to run. The gun cracked – the kids all took off and for about 3 seconds I was cheering at the top of my lungs GO ELEANOR!!!! I was sort of sucked in and uber competitive. Then it hit me – shut up and enjoy the show stupid – and I started laughing and really being present to enjoy watching my little girl run totally the wrong way with a silly grin on her face. Her mom was there, her sister was there, they were there to support me – everything was good. Even now, 17 years later I can remember the joy and feel it too. Everything was good – until it wasn’t. There was a family vacation in 2010 where I remember sitting alone on a beach after a very long days drive and feeling very happy and grateful that I could be where I was. I couldn’t believe it, I had gotten here and made this happen. I felt so good! These moments up until about a year ago have been really few and far between. When I experienced these moments, I had to do it on my own and be happy in them and not share.
I am finally in this place where I have the freedom to be who I am and who I would like to be. I am able to see and experience moments more fully and they seem to come more regularly. It is a gift, even if I have the propensity to overshare what I’m thinking during them. Rome wasn’t built in a day folks, while I am sentient and can be empathetic, even to people I don’t really like, I’m still figuring out and coming to terms with this new way of being. I have people in my life who love me even when I am unable to love myself. They love me somehow in-spite of who I am and because I am who I am. In the wake of what happened to Mike, I am sitting here wondering how long I have the way things are now? Is this the way it’s supposed to be? How long do I get to enjoy this? Am I going to be able to let these people know what they mean to me? Does it matter to them to know? Am I being selfish in being overly ‘too much’ whatever that is?
As I type this I can’t imagine how the next few years might go, I have an idea based on how this last year has gone and while I know there’s no real point to having these thoughts I want to. There is a part of me that wants a solid plan for this in-between time where I am now and when I get to start a life with someone. I can imagine growing old with a partner and having a deep and meaningful connection that goes beyond anyone else’s imagination aside from ours. It’s odd to me that I can have a daydream for how I want to grow old but no real vision of what I hope for in the interim. I can’t tell if it’s self-preservation that I can’t picture it or that it’s pointless to conjure something in the future that could change in an instant like my friends family’s lives did. I certainly don’t live in fear of it, I am cognizant of the potential of change and what my choices are relative to when or if it comes.
How do you adequately express gratitude? Or happiness? Or love? What is adequate in these terms? What is appropriate? I can hold things back and I do, sometimes I overshare when I lose my ability to keep the lid on and weird things bubble over. How can we love completely, fully without limit and not seem like a whacko? How can we love within limits and not give too much of ourselves? Are there limits where love is concerned?
What if an anvil fell from the sky today or tomorrow and took us or someone we love from us without any warning? These are silly thoughts – we have no control over what the universe has in store for us. But this is my blog so I can offer up these silly thoughts with knowledge that very very few people will read them!
If you’ve read this far you should get a prize! I hope if you’ve read this far you can consider being someone’s rock and safe port in the storm. The person who checks those you love for their own good and growth. That you can first and foremost be kind to yourself so you can be kind to others.
Oh and tell those people you love that you love them, be the light.