admin – Upon this Rock

Here we go again…

We’re two Saturdays into 2025 and it has a different feel. I’ve always been excited and ambivalent about the new year. It’s been so long since there’s been a reason to celebrate the ball dropping, having my person to smootch – just because or the first foot. I am hopeful, always hopeful, the coming year is full of goodness and change. For my own part there are small changes in place and I’m trusting the process.

A lot happened in 2024. A LOT. It wasn’t the best year I’ve had despite coming off a traumatic 2023, as always I am unapologetically who I am. I have trusted with the assumption whatever happens is supposed to happen and worry doesn’t really matter. The upside is the mental gymnastics it takes to stay positive and push the unknown (worry) out of your head. I’ve learned to focus on what’s going on now and being present in the moment. Some days are much harder than others. Still I keep moving forward.

Not all of 2024 was a shit-show. My older daughter graduated from college, my mom had a surgery and is mostly recovered now, she’s a verifiable Titanium SuperHero! My older brother has somewhat come back into the fold, my younger keeps kicking ass with her perfect GPA and looks like 2025 is going to be her year to finish college. I get to play with my kids and goof off with my very good friends.

I’ve been fortunate to have help when things got hard. In my last post I was nearing the bottom which I found a few days later. Rumination, worry, sadness – depression sat on me. I couldn’t get away from it. The deeper I swung the more I reached out for help. The down side and perhaps the upside was those I reached out to, my former most trusted, were silent. It was a fight to see the sun come up and for a little bit I fantasized about putting a slug through my head. I saw Rocco that week and more or less spent our session breaking down. Again, thankfully a good friend came and took my firearm when I asked him, no questions asked and checked my headspace. Other close friends rallied and checked on me. I upped my meds again which has helped in the longer term.

The clouds come and pass again, the only really interesting thing is the tachycardia I’m experiencing fairly regularly. It’s hard to sleep when your heart is beating out of your chest. I suspect my keeping calm on the outside is taking its toll on the inside. Exercise helps but even when I kick my ass with a workout, sleep eludes me and I default back to the trusty Ambien to find sleep.

As much as I am not in control of what’s happening around me, I am able to find peace in small bits and be kind to myself. It’s less difficult and still not easy. There is worry. Even Rufas-the-wonder-dog has picked up on the recent state of being and stays very close at all times. As we’re 11 days into the new year, I have no idea what will happen in the future. I have hopes and realization that what’s been won’t be again. A blessing and not so much of one. I often ask Rocco when I see him, ‘What’s new and Exciting?’ to which he responds everything is new and exciting all the time.

He’s right of course. Who knows what tomorrow is going to bring any of us, we’re certainly not promised a tomorrow. Being mindful of the past while we sit in the present and enjoy the goodness is my attempt for 2025. That and moving every day. We’ll see what happens, the good stuff is all around us when we look for it, smiling and laughing at the stupid keep them at bay and being present for those I love is what I’m trying to put my focus on.

Stay Salty…..

God Damn it…

Over the last few months, a strange thing has happened for me. I’m in this place where everything is very much inside the lines. By inside the lines, I mean to say, I don’t react, I don’t get angry, I don’t get happy. I just occupy this middle place. Externally, everything is fine, internally I need to find a way to release what’s brewing inside of me and I’m unable to do it. I’ve watched hours of programming which usually elicits a reaction, nothing. I listen to music that normally touches an emotion and nada. Most times I am good at perceiving what’s going on inside, when I don’t know I’m usually patient and consider all the facts in play to figure out where and what this feeling is. For the first time in a very long time, I have no idea. It’s unsettling.

My guy, James Jamerson, suggested I listen to music or be still and try to tap into what’s brewing inside of me, or seek out the counsel of someone I trust to see if somehow talking through whatever is eating at me will end up releasing this. I’ve tried both and it’s not working. A – I can’t get there myself and B- well – no answer.

Following his usual guidance, I’m trying to be kind to myself and let this flow. More and more though I feel this coming up inside of me and I don’t know how it’ll come out. At times, I can be angry and have conversations in my head (maybe I’m nuts?) to walk through the things I still can’t seem to process and then, I am very quickly sad for feeling this anger. Being outside helps, I’ve walked more in the last months than I have in a long, long while. Still though, this is weighing on me.

As a kid, I was exposed to very angry people. A lot of my childhood has been dealing with folks that are angry and sad. As a little boy I just watched and felt. When it was directed towards me I was cute and entertaining and that seemed to take away the edge. Other times, it just caused more rage. To say I don’t like anger would be an understatement, I’ve seen enough for a few lifetimes. When it comes up inside of me, I put it aside and try to understand.

The thing that is causing me so much distress is this middle place of no rage or anger and no happiness. I just exist. I could just as easily not exist and I’m not sure it would make a difference. My kids would miss me maybe, then again, maybe I’d just be right on target for dad.

I don’t know how to get away from this feeling. There are not enough substances to numb it. Leaning into it doesn’t help. Leaning away from it doesn’t either. It feels like being tied to a block of ice. It hurts and at the same time it’s just numb. Like your arm falling asleep at night.

The good thing, if there is a good thing, is I’m perfectly able to stop this feeling, I have the means here in my house. The good old Ruger P89 – it’d do the trick and make a mess at the same time. The downside is my kids may or may not get over it, my dog would freak out and my mother would not understand, it wouldn’t be good for her. The rest of my family wouldn’t really give a shit.

A while ago, I stole a quote from somewhere on the internet….’if one wants to get through it, they do. They find help. It starts and ends with the individual.’

What I don’t know what to do with is when you ask for help and no one steps in to help. It feels melodramatic to say I feel close to breaking and I still I do. I find myself wishing for this pain to go away. By any means possible. Except I can’t get away. I honestly don’t know what to do. At what point does faux gratitude help? For once, I would like to be taken care of instead of everyone else’s backstop. Not sure how much longer I can.

God Damn it…

Calamity Calamitous or Fortuity Fortuitous?

Thanks Ai for hitting the image on the nose 😉

I got bad news yesterday, something I had hoped would go one way went another. This seems to be happening a fair amount this year, ups and downs, BIG ups and BIG downs. I became redundant again in late May, which caused a decline in my overall mental health. That along with a hot mess of a summer led into a depression which in turn had me increase my medication. The events that seemed so bad have really made a difference for me in so many positive ways. More lessons, more goodness. The clouds however present they are, seem to clear again.

Since my divorce I have had a great number of ‘knock you down’ incidents, most of them I have weathered alone and on my own. Some of them were because of my poor choices and many of them just happened along the way. As it turns out, Apparently, I’m a pretty strong motherfucker. I say apparently because it is apparent I am able to move through these very tough times on my own. There are no hugs, no I’m sorry’s, no one is sitting with me in my sadness, or holding my hand, just me (and Rufas the wonder dog). Of course, sitting in your sadness isn’t a bad thing, it moves in and moves out with time and patience. As my past-potential-pseudo mother-in-law was known to say, no feeling lasts forever. The sun is always shining behind the clouds. I will translate this into be a Weeble-wobble. You can Weeble, you can wobble, but don’t fall down. For me, I keep getting up again. That alone feels empowering.

I’m moved to write after the revelation regarding my own strength. I’ve been castigated in the past over my ‘need to have company’ or my seeming ‘issue of being alone.’ And the truth of the matter is, these are the same people who NEVER have time alone except when their kid(s) are off with their other parent or out doing something with their friends. They have little windows of time alone which they cherish. I understand that aspect of being. Heck, my ex-wife was waving that flag so much for so long it was ingrained into my psyche that I felt maybe there was something wrong with me for enjoying other people’s company and my dislike of being alone. Since then, I have come to look forward to my own alone time to do the things I like to do. It’s not as if I don’t understand it or need it myself.

The difference is extended time alone. Where you have entire blocks of time, hours, days, weeks where you don’t have any physical contact with anyone. Phone calls, yes, emails, of course, polite conversation in restaurants but not intimacy. No deep conversations with someone you respect on the couch. It can be a lot at times and monotonous. I am finding while I am fine on my own and don’t feel a need to have ‘a partner’ a ‘girl-friend’ or ‘friend-with-benefits’, I do miss a connection. I miss the smell of a woman and enjoying spending time with them. I miss having someone to cook for and touch (APPROPRIATELY!) It’s more a point of having someone to share things with in real time.

That all said, I am blessed to have a very close-knit group of men who have seemingly come out of the woodwork over the course of the last year or more. We have revived our old connections and deepened them. It’s amazing to have this community of men. We very much care and feed each other, we know what’s going on and can hear the inflection in a voice that says, I’m not ok even when the voice is saying the opposite. These things are an absolute joy and treasure. In that respect, I am not *ALONE* and still, it’s not the same as having your person. I like to say the men in my circle give good hugs, but their beards are scratchy and, they don’t smell all that great.

Where should I go from here? I’m alone with no one to give me a hard time about neurotically preparing a pint of Ben and Jerry’s for the next go round. No one to smack my ‘meaty ass.’ Just me and my fella out here in our world doing our thing. While the majority of this regards being ‘alone’ it doesn’t mean that I am miserable this way. I am coming to enjoy it. I have found a peace that’s been elusive for so long. I’m determined to keep that peace and moving forward will only not be alone until I can find someone who adds to and expands my peace.

Until then, it’ll be just me and my fella, doing what we do.

With quiet strength and resolve in mind, be kind to yourself, be kind to others. Be someone’s port in the storm and/or rock to cling to. Stay salty!

Beginnings again I hope…

Rumination isn’t much use really and still I’ve caught myself looking backwards over the last 10 years. I was telling a friend of mine how all hell broke loose in 2014 how my life started to unwind. I wonder if there are other people who have lost a parent who then themselves became lost? I have swung wildly one way and then another. I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to please other people, now it seems that things have swung the other way where I am stubborn and focused on myself. The irony here of course is that my heart wants to do for others and connect with them as much as I can while protecting myself from being hurt. I don’t know how to process that dichotomy. How do you look after yourself and serve others simultaneously? Damn if I know.

In the 10 years since my father died, I’ve had an affair, gotten divorced, was estranged from one child and then the other, lost a few jobs, taken a few others and then finally found a short period of clarity where everything seemed to be falling into place. Then it wasn’t anymore. The upside, as I’ve written before is I have a better relationship with both of my kids than I have ever. Myself, I feel more stable, despite a few shots to the equilibrium, than ever. The downside is while I can connect with people finding a deeper meaningful connection remains elusive. I can’t seem to stop getting in my own way.

I’ve been thinking about this lately. Am I distrustful and don’t want to be hurt again? How can I want to be accepted so badly by someone and push them away at the same time? Does this pushing people away cause me to hurt them instead of acquiescing, letting go and letting them love me? I think it’s unnatural to be distrustful, it goes against every fiber of my being and somehow, I end up being distrustful or worse not giving people the opportunity to know and understand me.

All of this has me up and down again, I want to be clear; I don’t mind the guy in the mirror. He has some foibles and that’s ok. He’s just tired and sad. I’ve been non-committal and frankly, a bit of an asshat lately. An asshat that hurts people by shutting down and being standoffish. In the end it just hurts me too.

I’m pretty sure if I spoke to James Jamerson about this, he’d tell me to be kind to myself and give myself a break. And as best I can I am. Still things linger, conversations and actions that didn’t go together suddenly make sense. I am at a point of giving up whatever it is I hold as ‘what I know’ any longer and give into accepting what I truly want. What I want is a partner who accepts me along with my foibles, someone to play and be goofy with and have someone I can take care of and hold at the end of the day. I’ve come this far and I’m willing to fight for what I want and those I love.

I’m not sure this is so salty, nor is it supportive – I am hopeful the message lands and second chances are a real thing.

A Decade later….

It’s been 10 years since you left us. Today our family is still fractured. I am divorced. There are upsides – two of your 4 grandchildren are married and doing quite well for themselves. Mom is thriving and keeping things in order. My siblings are still annoying each other. My kiddos are in college – the big one finishes in December (she’s in school in Switzerland! SWITZERLAND!!!) and is as rambunctious as she was when she was little. The little one is a rising Junior, she may be done in another year and a half and proudly told me the other day, the last time she got a B was in middle school. They are amazing, whip smart, smart-asses and very kind.

I miss you. So much has happened that’s simply nuts. Almost too nuts to describe. On the one hand, I’m glad you missed some of it (Crazy elections, COVID, an attempted coup d’état) and on the other hand, It would have been nice to get your take on things. Heck, I even bought a boat by accident, maybe a happy accident at that! Finding my footing after you left has been a challenge. Things have gone anyway but straight, sideways in some ways, backwards in others. There are people I have known you would have absolutely adored; some you would have questioned my sanity.

Wherever you are I hope it’s nice. I hope I see you again one of these days beyond my own dreams. In January, you would have been 90. Crazy to imagine.

In the meantime, I’m going to keep trying to look after mom, take care of things one and two. Things will be alright just like you said right after you left.

I’ll see you when I see you.

2024….

It’s been another bit of a while since I’ve written, there have been thoughts, semblances of things I wanted to write about and none of it seemed worth capturing. I’m about to come home after roughly 2 weeks with my extended family abroad. My mom has been with her two remaining siblings every day for the last two weeks. She’ll be here another 3 weeks after I leave. Watching her and her sisters just be, communicate, pontificate, share recipes and enjoy each other has been an incredible privilege. These ladies can spend 10 minutes discussing the merits of different hand mirrors in a store, swap potato salad recipes for hours on end and still find time to fuss over their kids (and nephews). While I am tired, it’s been a long couple of weeks of not sleeping in my own bed and being out of my element and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

Christmas Wise-Guys…..Maybe Christmas isn’t so bad?

This place, my aunt (now my cousin’s) house has been a central meeting point for my family since I was 13. I watched my cousin’s grow up here, move out, move up, move on. There are so many ghosts of memories tied up in this place. It doesn’t hurt that my younger cousin is the spitting image of his dad. It’s been a warm visit. We’ve played, played HARD as 40 and 50 year olds. Beer has been consumed, stories and gags shared. The kinds of gags that persist within a family and are only continued by pulling them on each other when we’re together. Trying to make sure the younger kids pick up on them and repeat! It’s a familial cycle which brings me lots of joy!

This trip we had 18 of 22 of my family together. A new record! Aunt’s (my mom’s generation), cousins, 2^nd cousins and a 3^rd cousin with one on the way – it was glorious! As a pseudo-German speaking person, I could sit back and listen to all of the conversations and soak them in. This helps me rely on these memories for the rest of the year and look for opportunities to re-connect with my folks here as well. Post-divorce, I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces and reconnect with my family, my kids, my siblings, my mom, cousins, etc… to establish what ‘Family’ means to me. Family is EVERYTHING for me. The chaos of family gatherings is something I didn’t grow up with and seek out whenever possible now. Even my older kid has recognized the amazingness of embracing your extended family and thanks for college abroad has connected as well. All of this makes me incredibly happy to experience and witness.

In the middle of this love fest, I have found myself again. I feel more like me than I have in months. Certainly, I still have many strong feelings. I discuss these with my guy James (Jamerson) and his guidance has been to feel my feelings and let them pass through. It’s hard to describe being moved to tears from being happy and having this place feel full again after being empty for so long. I am hopeful, and more important to me, finding a place to feel settled in, connected to. I’m whistling again, listening to lyrics, dreaming, day-dreaming and thinking about travel plans for later in the spring. 2024 has been, just 9 days in a banner year already. I open my eyes and look forward to the day, the challenges and all the fun that’s out there to be had.

Happy New Year Folks – remember – be someone’s rock, their port in the storm, a safe space and take good care of yourself and others. Love first and Stay Salty!

Time passes…change is inevitable

It’s been a while since I have posted anything of substance. It’s been difficult latter half of the summer, the relationship I considered my last. The one I was going to have – ie found my person, my partner, etc…. Ended. All of it is gone, the kids I fell in love with, the extended family I felt a part of, the security and the feeling of being tethered/connected with someone is gone as well.

The aftermath is confusing, I feel untethered and floating, unsure of how and where things went wrong. 15+ pounds, a solid 6 weeks of my heart being pinned on 80-90bpm (at rest) and mainlining Ambien just to get 5-6 hours of sleep more or less proved to me) what I felt was very real. The pain is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. When my father died, it hurt. I lost my dad and very good friend. When I divorced my wife (ie – now my ex-wife) it hurt as well, I had failed myself, my spouse and our agreement. Neither of those events touched this level of pain. Now a relatively longer time away from all of it I am starting to emerge again. I’m not the same man I was in some respects and in others I am still very much who I am. I for whatever reason, remain hopeful. In spite of the pain, hope seems a better option.

The upside of all of this, if there can be an upside, is I am a lucky man surrounded by friends and family. My kids stepped in and were present with me in the early days. They just were present and held space with me. Be it just sitting with me to watch a movie or dragging me out to make sure I eat and not drink too much. A group of men have emerged to check on me, to listen to me kvetch and cry. They are walking with me with encouragement and kindness. Sometimes, they whack me on my ass (proverbially speaking) and nudge me forward. Were it not for them and my kids, I guess I would have made it through on my own, however, they helped make things a more bearable. The beauty of the connection and grounding I have with these people is not lost on me. I feel love and acceptance. A rare occurrence for me.

Along with connecting with my friends, this space has allowed me to connect more deeply with my family and my colleagues. Late September and early October brought a work trip overseas. This gave me an opportunity to see my older daughter’s apartment and college campus. To see her world and day to day through my own eyes. What an amazing place she’s in! Church bells on the hour, old ironwork and churches, there’s a water fountain in every square that looks more like a statue than a water fountain. The best part for me was just being in her space, hearing her thoughts in real time and sharing the experience.

In-between weekends, I had a work trip to Montenegro. 49 other crazy people from my company descended on a resort on the coastline and we met, drank, partied and solved problems while soaking up the Montenegrin sun, sand (rocky beach!) and water! I celebrated my 53^rd birthday with these people, feeling a different kind of love and acceptance from them. Recognizing the collective of us, we, bear the responsibility to create our company the way we want it to be. It was literally 5 days of love and goodness. It was the epitome of kicking ass and having fun – our company mantra!

The high point of my trip, aside from seeing my older daughter in two consecutive weekends, was connecting with my family in Germany. I was finally able to close the loop on my oldest cousin, Barbara, who I haven’t seen in close to 37 years. Imagine being 15 and having someone you admire and respect, see you, as you are, be amazed and accepting of how you are. This is Barbara. I have missed her and neither of us realized how much we missed each other until we were together. Rarely, if ever am I at a loss for words. I can’t describe this feeling. Aside from finally closing a loop. For an afternoon, we were usually not too far from each other, if not sitting next to and touching knees for an afternoon. I didn’t just get to connect with Barbara either. E and I stayed with her sister, Ursula and one of my other cousins came down as well. Of my mom’s family, 3 siblings had children, the three families were represented. It was just a magical experience. I have always been a family man, as my own family fractured because of my choices, I’ve always sought out a deeper connection with my own extended family and for a time with my ex-partner’s family as well.

For me, these days, I’m moving on, hour by hour, day by day. I’m finding a way to be untethered and yet tethered to myself. Learning to lean on my network and be both lifted up and grounded in their love and support. There are times when I hurt and it feels unbearable. Then, it dissipates. As my former love often quoted, no feeling lasts. I think to an extent it is a true statement. I have many feelings that may mute over the course of time, however, I don’t believe love goes away. It fades perhaps and yet it persists. At least for me.

There is a future in my future. I don’t have any evidence of what it will be except for what is now. The guy in the mirror isn’t so bad, he’s been through a lot and is still kicking. I have my health, family, friends, my dog Rufas and my work family. A new chapter is waiting to unfold and I’m sure there will be bumps along the way and they’ll run their own course.

In the meantime, I’m focused on being my own rock and trying to be kind to myself so I can have the capacity to do the same for others. For the first time in a very long time, I’ve had to let go and park myself in someone else’s port to weather this storm. Is it karma? I’m a lucky? It’s hard to say. What I can say is I am grateful. Grateful to be tied to these people who for some reason or another love me enough to persist and walk this walk.

sigh…

Getting to know Peace…

Peace has been elusive in my world and it’s been a minute or two since I’ve last written here. Many things have transpired over the last couple of months and this one has me thinking enough to lean into and share. My partner Maya and I were having a conversation recently during dinner prep and we were talking about our previous relationships and the one we find ourselves in now.

“We have a happy and peaceful experience with each other” she said (I am hoping I got that quote correct!). When she said those words, they landed. Happy and Peaceful. That’s exactly the place we reside. Are there times when we disagree? Absolutely and we turn towards each other in those times by giving each other space, love and understanding. By and large though, we are connected even when we’re apart physically. We live and reside in a peaceful partnership.

This is antithetical to the way I was raised and the examples of love I witnessed and experienced for myself. This is not to say I was raised in an environment without love, but rather I was raised in a somewhat chaotic and contentious environment. There were stressors and we all felt them. There was yelling, throwing of hands between myself and my siblings and certainly enough psychological damage done so we can ensure (collectively) the therapy profession stays employed. Moving right along, I chose a partner to marry and raise children with who had a similar background. The mother of my children and I had a shared experience of a chaotic and often times verbally abusive childhood, maybe that’s why we were drawn to each other once we got past the initial infatuation.

Either way, my marriage was a stormy relationship at times, again, not to say there wasn’t love and appreciation, but there was a lot more yelling than I would like to admit. Many times, it was my storminess which sucked up all the air in the room to put out whatever fire was smoldering. My children endured that, they themselves are coming to terms with the damage their mom and I subjected them to, they too hopefully will learn peace sooner rather than later. At least that’s my hope for them and that they’re able to bring that peace or find a partner who helps them bring that peace into their homes when they get there.

As I sit and write this post, I am in a space that is peaceful and neat, my butter dish is clean and my house is organized and decorated for Christmas. There has been a wholesale shift in my outlook of things, yes, I’m still having to do life and figure things out, but the manner by which that figuring out is largely devoid of anxiety and stress. Of course, I still have interactions which cause me to be angry or frustrated, I’m not in any way better in that respect, but I am able to put those reactions in a place where I can feel them, accept them and move on. This too is new stuff for me.

This change, this happy and peaceful transition has been a slow process. At one point in my relationship with Maya I was in an all fired up hurry to move things along. Only now have I started to see the indicators of new growth and the value of the strong set of roots we have established together in which our partnership is rooted in. We have taken a good long while to do the work individually and with each other. There’s a level of trust and acceptance firstly with ourselves and then each other which seems to supersede the singular when one of us is in need or trouble (ie stressed about something). I’m still working to be better at listening and not reacting, I am much better than I was when we first started and there’s still a way to go, I am confident that place will come. By and large I’m there, but edge cases remain.

Things are good right now. We are good and connected. I feel a peace that’s very new to me. It’s different. As someone I love might say, Interesting even…. What I keep coming back to is the happy and peaceful existence I am sharing with my love and the gratitude I feel to be able to learn and grow into this space with a partner I respect and admire.

As I often times write, be kind to yourself and others. Give someone time and space and be their port in the storm or solid rock to lean on. Smile and be gracious. Just keep yourself a little salty….

What do you want?

What do you want? What do you like? What can I do for you? These 3 questions that tend to put me into a panic zone. I can usually understand what I want, know what I like and don’t like and have learned how to respond when someone asks me what they can do for me. In the past, and being honest, even sometimes now default responses are: “I’m good with whatever you choose” or “I like everything!” and of course the dreaded – what can I do for you? Now I feel compelled to find something that you can do for me that’s helpful, but not too demanding, appropriate but not overwhelming, not too much trouble because you can’t ever really expect to get what you ask for. I am trying to honor the question when it’s posed from someone who very much so just wants to hear what I have to say. It’s not always easy though.

I’ve spent my lifetime hearing the words of my parents, “YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAVE! YOU DO NOT WANT!” When anyone asks me what I ‘want.’ At this point, I could drop into the psychology of being the 3^rd child in a chaotic household with overbearing baby-boomer parents (one of which was a child of WW2) who were doing their best to raise 3 kids and had their own dose of trauma inflicted on them. I could say this is inherent in my childhood that I can’t feel solid in my own skin to ask for what I want, to ask the hard questions and feel safe in the asking.

The truth of the matter, as an adult, as fully formed person in my own right, I can ask for what I want, would like, need, and ask someone to do something for me because that’s a need I have in that moment. I’m slowly wrapping my noggin around this concept. I am grateful to have a partner who pushes me and provides a safe place to learn about asking and receiving what I want or need. A safe place to share what I’m thinking or feeling without backlash (I do think there’s a bit here and there but it’s natural). Being transparent, it is nerve wracking the sharing of thoughts about things I want or need, and it does sometimes cause me worry that she might just get tired of all of it and tell me to buzz off. What saves that rabbit-hole inducing thought is us having had enough conversations about ‘yes – this is what we’re doing, we’re doing this together come hell or high water.’ (last part – hell or high water – is my riffing on an idea but I think she’d approve) We are committed to the process and to the relationship we have built and continue to build and it’s in that light, I have to commit myself to all those questions and asks for what I want and need giving them the full send trusting the process.

What I still struggle with sometimes is the reaction to the ask sometimes. Maybe it’s there, maybe it’s not. Maybe I am expecting a response that never happens, maybe the response is delayed and then I don’t know what to think in the meantime but worry. Maybe, just as I am still learning to ask, I think the people in my life who earnestly want to know or hear what I have to say may still be coming to terms with my sudden voice to ask.

What I know is I am very much loved even when I’m a knucklehead. What I want more than anything is to have everything settled, see the people I love regularly, hope they can see me for who I am and not who I have been. Develop deeper relationships with my friends and my family and cultivate a small few folks with whom I can be who I am all the time. With my flaws, with my peccadillos. I’m getting there. Slowly. I can believe my partner loves me for me, even if I do drive her nuts. Meanwhile, as all this percolates, it’s my intention to continue to be me, to love those people I love with everything I can (and not lose myself) and trust the universe knows what it’s doing. It’s not always easy, it’s not always good for my sleep patterns. In the end we do what we can the best we can in that moment.

As I say all the time, I am trying to be kind to myself and others and be a stable place for myself as all this stuff takes a little time to process. I hope if you’ve read this far you can too be kind to yourself, understanding of others and do the best you’re able.