Author: admin

I’m not feeling very well recently. I’m tired, worn out and I’m rapidly losing my ability to be anything beyond either emotionally distant or empathetic. After 4 days of not really sleeping coming off of two weeks of crazy emotional ups and downs I am left in this place where I’m somewhere between anger and sheer exhaustion.  I could be angry, but it takes too much energy.

I am lonely. While I don’t require anyone else to make me feel better or cheer me up, I am realizing the sheer enormity of time I spend on my own. It would be one thing If I were getting anything done, but that’s not the case. More or less, it feels as if I’m holding space, burning time for someone else’s benefit. Kids have task’s they need dad for, there’s finding work and waiting on someone else’s schedule. There’s stepping around the eggshells of my family’s insecurity’s, being sure not to have any kind of intelligent conversation with anyone. Any real conversation usually devolves into a polemic about all things we disagree on. I’m nearly 51 years old and somehow, my needs, my thoughts, my emotions are too much, not enough or just wrong.

The one bright spot for me has been caring for my mom who’s just had major surgery. It’s like caring for a toddler who’s up multiple times a night. I enjoy being able to fuss over her and make sure she’s fed and watered, that her medications are delivered on time and being able to keep an eyeball on her to gauge her progress now 9 days post-surgery. She’s made remarkable progress in that time. It hasn’t come without a price to my own sanity though. When I do get a break, it’s not really much of a break, run some errands in the evening and not get any downtime, maybe a beer at the local brewery, of course, alone.

The worst aspect of this all is the network or fabric I tend to depend on is stretched thin or just plain unavailable. There has been a fair amount of illness and death in the last month amoung those people I turn to. As is my tendency, I don’t want to impose on anyone who really just needs everyone around them to listen and let them be how they need to be. What do you do when you yourself are in trouble and can’t show up as your best self? It’s not for lack of trying, I am literally doing the best I’m able right now and it isn’t working.

This post – like my mood is shitty. I feel less like someone else’s rock and more like a millstone around someone’s neck. My tank is empty and it’s hard to be kind to others, much less kind to myself. I’m hoping this dark cloud moves away, yeah the sun is shining behind it, but oy vey does the rain suck.

I’ve been on a kick lately binging old re-runs of Anthony Bourdain’s ‘Parts Unknown’ and enjoying it. I’ve written about Tony in the past, if you’ve ever experience deep depression and you’re good at faking things, you can see his ups and downs through the show. It wasn’t before I had experienced deep depression and the struggle of managing it that I have come to recognize it in others. Not quite the superpower I wished for, but it is helpful at times.

 I don’t know if I’m weird in that I can identify with this guy who was 12 years older than me or if it’s wishful thinking that I do and have anything in common with him at all. Anthony Bourdain was a troubled and tormented soul. Whoever looked back at him in the mirror was, to use his words, a charlatan, a phony. Someone who was going to fake you into believing everything was ok, then he was going to steal your ice cream and pop your balloon. I know this guy as he was represented in me, I am taking a leap that Tony felt this way too.

For a good long while I didn’t like the person looking back in the mirror at me. He was fat, had middle aged acne, a weird sense of humor and a funny laugh. He was a liar, he put things in neat little boxes and was good at keeping all the plates spinning until he wasn’t. He was always putting on a brave face and rarely if ever let anyone see the damage or the pain right under the surface. I imagine to some extent, this is the life Tony lived. Yes, he had huge talents and was this gigantic personality, but under all of it was, as I imagine, this kid who didn’t quite fill into the body of work. The man in the mirror he saw was not the guy we all saw and appreciated.

With a new movie coming out July 16^th called ‘Road Runner’ a biography of Tony this feels like as good a time as any to discuss that dichotomy of who we are and who others think we are and how we find a space to hear those people who love us. Over and over again, in Parts Unknown we see Tony give a huge amount of respect and outright love to everyone, he’s self-less in his apparent appreciation of the role he was able to play. If you watch the show, his dear friends are all effusive at how much they love him, his old pals regale him with old stories and they share deep ideas. I can’t help but imagine how anyone must have felt in his presence, even if they were old friends. It’s my hope that in those small places, Tony felt comfortable and able to share who he was to those he knew so well. As I’m prone to do, I may be projecting myself a little bit here, for me when I’m in my safe zone, that is with my dear friends who have seen me at my very best and worst, you know who I’m speaking of, those friends who love you when you can’t love yourself. The ones who accept you for you. I know myself, it’s in that space where I feel the most accepted and loved.

As I was reading a review of this upcoming movie, there’s an article in the Washington Post where they share an interview between Tony and his childhood idol, Iggy Pop. He asks the former punk rocker “What thrills you now?” ‘Being Loved’ is Iggy’s response. The article goes on to discuss how Tony missed this response as if it bounced off of him rather than land.

I know for myself, there was a time when ‘Being Loved’ seemed like it was always there for someone else, it was a nice notion, but it wasn’t for me. I wished as hard as I was able and the cynic in me just kept telling me it was fruitless. As Tony would say, there are no happy endings.

To my surprise as the universe would have it, somewhere along the way over the last 6-ish months I turned a corner and don’t seem to mind the guy looking back at me. Being loved isn’t such a foreign concept either and hearing affirmative things is getting easier. I do still struggle from time to time with negative thinking and dark thoughts, but I find myself in a place where there is space to share and heal. A chance to re-wire old thoughts and memories and put them in perspective while being intentional about making new memories.  Being Intentional about giving and receiving kindness wherever possible has been key.

I will continue to watch ‘Part Unknown’ and look to see where Tony takes me and analyze his ups and downs. I will try to learn from what I observe and at least try not to emulate his life in its self-destructive coping mechanisms. I understand those things all too well. Somehow, this man who I never knew in his life and his death has shared a little insight into my own madness and given me some sense of what to do and what not to do.  In the end, I like to think Tony was impulsive in taking his own life, I think it’s an impulse that for many, as Camus discusses in his book about suicide, is the most rational thing you can consider once you make up your mind.

My experience with rational and irrational thoughts of suicide have changed since a particular day roughly 11 months ago.  I have been transformed and had I acted on my impulse then, I would have missed out on all the goodness that has unfolded before me. The sense of belonging and being valued is new to me and yet not quite lost on me either. This goodness that I’m not sure ‘I deserve’, has certainly transformed my expectations as well as my outlook. I can accept this goodness and enjoy the peace it brings me.

I for one wish Tony had made a different rational thought. Having written the goodbye note myself, literally scratching at the paper with the pen for relief, I know that space, or at least the space that precedes it. I hope that if you’re reading this and have been in that space before, or recently, that you find someone, anyone who you can confide in and make a call for help.

With this utterly too long post I will take my deep (and not so deep thoughts) and ask you to be kind to yourself and others. Love freely and forgive yourself as well as everyone else. We’re all doing the best we can. When you can, be someone’s rock and safe shelter. Shake your ass and make someone giggle. We will all be better for it!

Most of all stay salty, if not a little spicy!

Today I read an article regarding our former President and how he was informed by a Black Secret Service agent on his detail, that having a rally in Tulsa on Juneteenth was “Very Offensive” and not that much later the former President tweeted (of course) that he wished to change the date of the rally. (https://news.yahoo.com/trump-changed-date-juneteenth-tulsa-093404011.html)

If this story were to be true, it would reveal in this person (for whom I have almost zero regard) either he’s not the narcissist he has been portrayed as and has actual feelings and concerns for those around him or that he’s a cunning tactician/politician. Although I’m split on this one, as I’m very openly not a fan, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe he actually holds/held regard for what this holiday meant to that one man and changed his rally date so as to not be offensive to this agent or others. I want to believe somewhere in that vessel of big macs and diet coke resides a teeny tiny soul (you should see tiny hands holding a tiny soul ;-)) who has regard for others, not just himself.

I bring this up because I just had a relatively hard/easy conversation with someone I care very deeply for and it was perhaps one of those everyone is in their own minds (let’s be clear it was THIS JACKASS not anyone else) kind of conversations whereby flags go up and everything is in question when in reality nothing was in question but the question (or the statement not uttered in the first place). I was not my best person earlier this week, I had a manic episode earlier in the week which lasted all of about 3 minutes. Then there were reverberations on the same subject of feeling unimportant. All ego driven and poor execution on my part, but no less real in how I felt. I don’t like it and if I’m going to ‘polish the turd’ which I shat, you could argue instead of swallowing it and rolling on down the line, I brought it up. Not necessarily in the right way but we had the conversation. I feel better, it’s my hope we both feel better. I think we both feel better. Thankfully my partner is direct and understanding of my foibles.

For my part, even though I’ve identified the trigger, I tried as best I’m able to convey how I won’t let time go by when I’m not feeling well and just ask the damn question. This is a new space for me and one I value as much as I value anything. It feels very safe, more-so even now as I type this. After the earlier episode, I am considering some means of managing myself either naturally (exercise and diet) or chemically (meds again). My sense is the natural option is the way to go but I’m not too proud to not go back on the meds. Rocco and I are still discussing…TBD

What’s overwhelmingly obvious is we never know what’s going on with someone else or where their mind is or has been, we can only trust. We can also ask what’s up and trust the answer will maybe make us or maybe them feel better. Just as I want to trust/believe the former Cheeto-In-Chief has a soul, as much as we’re able to trust anyone, the stories in our minds as we have played them out sometimes reveal a very ugly side of who we are. I’m no different from anyone else really and its hard work to not take things personally, it’s hard work to always be calm and accepting of what we can’t change. We need kindness, love, grace and a veritable TRUCKLOAD of patience. Thankfully these things are available to me freely. I belong.

I am the luckiest person I know right now. Things are good. Not pie-in-the-sky manic good either, just good. Grounded good. Consistent good. The bounce back after the episode didn’t leave me wracked with guilt nor did I once create a storyline in my head regarding my own self-worth. I knew once the trigger was identified what had happened. My execution was off, but we’re all a work in progress doing as well as we can.

With that I’ll leave you to be kind to yourself, be someone’s rock or place of shelter, an Oak in a windstorm to hang onto.

Love freely and openly and don’t ever stop turning towards those you love with open arms and heart.

At some point in our lives we learn to submit, either through experience or intelligence, we come to a point whereby submission to the world around us is easier than continuing the search for happiness. For some this submission comes with a bang or a whimper – by the gun, by the bottle or by giving up and giving into the voices in your head.

I’ve found this point, the place where life is not only good but beyond anything I could have imagined. In my happy state, I can only relate it to floating weightless and my heart, inside of my body has no effort to beat. All of the fear, stress and worry has disappeared. In its place is gratitude and love. I’m not so naïve to imagine that this happy and blissful state will continue but I trust, despite my ability to show stress and revert back to a place I don’t like to go to, the people around me will continue to love me and help me back to this happy place.

I for the first time in my life, feel as if I belong. There is no price to pay, no goods to offer, no tit for tat exchanges. I am loved despite my fallibility. Appreciated for my kindness and moreover cared for, loved and celebrated to some extent. It’s wonderful and scary all at the same time.

As fantastic as this state of being is, just on the other side of your mind is where you go to when you’re tired, scared of losing and holding on too tightly to what it is that’s bringing you happiness (or what seems to be bringing the happiness). The other side when your mind allows you to imagine things that relate back to what you’ve known and lost, what is at stake if you lose and falls back into what you’ve known – reminding you how useless you are, how disposable you are and how you shouldn’t expect to receive or even dare to think about being deserving of happiness.

I am coming off an experience that has turned my world on its head, as I type this entry I go from smiling broadly and feeling fantastic to crying uncontrollably. It’s a process changing your mind, changing your intention and how you process the experiences which form in the world around you. I honestly feel as if there’s two sides of my brain in battle and I’m sitting in there as well adjudicating the fight. In this case, as I reflect on the good I’ve experienced and the scary stories being conjured in my head, I have at least one foot on the ground and enough experience to know this up and down was coming.  In the past I’ve often times told my therapist – let’s call him Stanley Clarke, when I feel like this I need to grind through it – a physical enduring of the pain being conjured in my head. This time I’m just going to feel the sadness I feel right now and know that once it passes, the good stuff will be back in no time.

The happiness that’s come up in me has been with me all along and it comes from me and emanates out of who I am. I can experience happiness (and sadness) without someone else (or some substance) to ‘fix’ how I’m feeling.

This one is on me to resolve and I am positive things are on the upswing.

Stay Salty my friends – be kind to yourself and to others. Be someone’s rock, carry their bag if they’ll let you and most of all love freely and openly.  

I’ve been riding (literally and figuratively) a series of ups and downs lately. Everything is as it has been which is good, if not GREAT. A couple weeks ago I set out to tackle the section of MABDR where I broke my collarbone last October. As luck would have it motorcycle gremlins would rob me of a good portion of my trip – which was actually a good thing. My trip was delayed by 4 days while I waited for parts to get back out on the road. Normally that would have put me in a big funk – however – this just meant more downtime/quality time/get-things-done time. It turned out to be a vacation from my vacation – found time – literally.

I mowed the lawn, cleaned the house, ran to the dump, splashed the boat. Imbibed in goodness and love and laughed more over one weekend than a person should. A blessing to be sure!

Now – about intention and living intentionally.

I have been listening to different music for me lately.

This song in particular:

I’ve been listening to this almost every morning as I walk the dog early in the morning with birds chirping and the morning light.

The lyrics speak to me:

The idea or notion that the sun rises and we are given the day to enjoy or endure (that decision/description/distinction is ours to decide) and we will breathe in and breathe out – regardless the sun will cross the sky until nightfall and the cycle happens again. We have control of our breathing, we have control of our minds and we can be focused on the moment as it is happening. Practicing this intention has been transformative. I have found that my penchant to give things labels and stack them neatly in a box is waning. As I give myself to the happenings of the day and evaluate things in the moment rather than worry about what may be to come, I am happier.

Recently I read a quote from a Jewish Rabbi (I wish I had grabbed the full quote!) that goes like this: ‘The biggest waste of energy is to obsess about an answer to a question that hasn’t been asked.”

As someone who’s prone to rumination about what could have been, what was, what might be – this is transformative. By taking things as they come day to day I have found myself better able to breathe. I sleep better, I worry less. I sing – badly and often and the joy I feel is palpable.

There is love all around me, there is love all around all of us – if we are open to receive it and intentional about returning – that love and that energy can sustain us.

‘Screen time’ i.e.: time in my helmet, away from the world and digital connections was restorative to my soul. Being present and open to what comes into our lives, people, opportunity, chaos – whatever – being present and intentional about that presence has changed my life for the better.

With that I’ll remind you to be someone’s rock, their port in the storm, be kind to yourself and share that kindness with others.

Love will prevail, goodness will find you. Keep walking the path until the two intersect and there you will find contentment and joy.

Stay Salty my friends!

TikTok may be the devil….

But in this case, the devil brought me a little wisdom. Communication is very important, however, without comprehension all the best communication is lost. That is to say, when someone speaks, you hear them, if you don’t whatever is said is lost between you.

My prior self-loathing has been well-documented in this forum. Yes, I have moved on, I have lightened my load so to speak, that suitcase of guilt and shame is well behind me in the rear-view mirror. The fortress I had built around my heart, lays in shambles, little piles of wood waiting to be burned to dust. Why is this? Someone very recently said to me ‘Oh MY GOD, you are SUCH A GOOD PERSON!!!’ This person, we’ll call her Tina, said this to me and it landed squarely in my head and heart. Those words wrecked me in the very best way possible. Every damn defense mechanism I’ve built for the past 30 years has been blown to bits.

I’ve had many people say this to me, that I am a good person, ‘a good guy,’ hell, my therapist, Mikey League, has pointed this out to me more times than I wish to admit to when he asks the question: ‘Who buys 6 dozen donuts and coffee for a staff of people just because they admire and appreciate their efforts on behalf of a bunch of kids who aren’t yours?’ I would tend to just sweep this question under the rug, my alter-ego Pedro tends to buy Krispy-Kreme’s for a bunch of teachers it’s not a big deal for me.  Why do I do this? My answer in the past has always been, because I can, not because I’m a good person. Anyone with a brain and heart would do the same thing….(or should!)

In my last post I spoke of this happiness and being scared of this new feeling and while being able to understand I am deserving of it, still not really able to comprehend. My buddy, a very long and dear friend and I were going back and forth via text, his words… I’m happy for you! – You deserve it! Again, these words landed. It’s as if all of a sudden, I can say, hell yeah, I deserve this goodness. This goodness is restorative to my being, it has helped me to be more focused on my friends and family. I can be the loving and generous person I am that is true to who I am without any question to if it’s odd. This is a gift, a fantastic gift that I wish everyone can experience.

Communication and comprehension. It’s such a simple concept and yet, here we go again… at 50, someone who is a stranger on TikTok laid some wisdom on me.

With that thought, I’m going to offer this very strange challenge to anyone who reads this: What in your head, belief system, self-image or whatnot is getting in the way of you comprehending what people are telling you? I have an idea of what it was for me. All I can say is when those words hit and you hear them for the first time, it’s like something fills your lungs and you can finally, actually breathe. It is the sweetest music and the warmest, softest blanket.

Stay salty my friends, be someone’s rock, their port in the storm, give love unconditionally and receive it as well. Be kind to others, be kind to yourself. Listen to what people say and consider they may be right.

Holy Moly – two posts inside of two weeks! Dude – What gives??!!

I haven’t been on this sunny-side of the street for a very long time. I’m dreaming, I’m doing better at work, I’m more patient than I’ve ever been and feeling very content. I’ve been mainlining music on YouTube and done more dancing in the past 2-3 weeks than I have in a good long while.

Life is G-R-A-N-D!

It’s a little scary if I’m being totally honest. Waiting for the other shoe to drop and also realizing maybe it’s not going to (because we don’t wear shoes in the house!) As I’ve written previously, I have suffered from having very strong feelings for a while. It’s not a bad thing usually, but when you throw in my dogmatic certainty and overwhelming joy and excitement it’s a whole lot to swallow. Especially for people who don’t know me very well.  I often times worry about being too much and realizing that unfortunately that’s how I am wired. I can play it cool for a while and then the enormity of my joy is, well, overwhelming at times. Even for me. This is where I have to remember to trust what’s being reflected and not guess, but rather remember to be intentional.

What I’ve found is I’m scared to death. It’s not a matter of not trusting or not embracing the joy. What I find myself doing, and wrongly doing at that, is to wonder if this level of happiness is something I’m entitled to? Of course, that’s complete BS and I most certainly am entitled to all the joy. It’s a strange place to be in because I’ve realized I have control to a point and the rest I have to just ride like a wave of goodness.

As I laid in bed last night not sleeping as soundly as I should have, it struck me. As I proceed down this path away from what I know and have known I realize the path I’m walking down is a path I haven’t travelled before. As with any journey, you see the new stuff and it rightly makes you start to compare it to things that you have known, those concrete experiences. I’m trying as hard as I can to enjoy the journey this time and not compare it to anything although I do think it’s our nature to try to have a touchstone back to what’s familiar and well known. As a little kid, I was almost too trusting of people and those experiences taught me to build a safe zone. The pain you know, no matter how bad it was, is still a known quantity. Hopefully that’s all in the past and the future is bright (I gotta wear shades – Timbuk 3 reference anyone?).

I decided, when I put down my suitcase of guilt and regret, to move forward in my life. That means embracing and leaning into the stuff that makes me question if I’m worthy of love and affection. If my dreams of a family and acceptance in that/those family units will come true.

I believe they will and are coming to fruition. For now, I need to be patient and enjoy the journey and trust the hand I get to hold along the path. What will be in the future will be.

Today is beautiful – my children are healthy; my family is well. Things are looking up once again more differently than ever and I am happy.

I’ll be satisfied with being someone’s rock, someone’s safe space and happy in the knowledge the guy looking back at me in the mirror is, in the immortal words of Wooderson – Alright, Alright, Alright.

Be well my friends, love, laugh, forgive and dream!

It’s been a very long while since I have allowed myself to have dreams of the world again. Maybe it’s COVID and an idea that this might be over soon, maybe it’s the fact we’re having a GREAT stand of weather here in North Carolina who knows – but it feels good. One thing I have dreamt of doing since I was a teenager was sailing a boat around the world. This started with a book called Maiden Voyage. I was hooked. Then when the internet allowed me to read blogs of people circumnavigating the world by boat it did nothing but fuel that dream. The idea of setting a course to some far-off destination way over the horizon and getting there at 7-10 knots sounds like a slice of heaven. The journey, the destination and everything that happens along the way! Travel is so important to me as it allows me to see things from a different point of view. I once read that changing your mind is like crossing a border, you’re still the same person but things look different. I’m a strong believer in different is good. Maybe not always better, but still good.

I had an opportunity to share this dream of mine which wasn’t much helped by re-reading Ali and Pat Schulte’s Bumfuzzle.com website. These crazy kids took a 3-day sailing lesson on Lake Michigan, sold everything they had, bought a boat in Florida, outfitted her and promptly sailed her around the world. As rookies! I’m not sure if they were foolish, fool hearted or just wickedly smart. What I’ve always enjoyed about their blog is reading how Pat describe how he and Ali always seem to be on the same page, obviously marriages are give and take, but they have a partnership I envy. They’re still traveling full time now with two kids both born out on the road.

I wish I knew why all of sudden I’m dreaming again. Literally and figuratively. I am sleeping well and waking early feeling refreshed and happy to greet the day. It’s as if there’s a sense of balance that is back and a feeling of calm I haven’t had for a very long time. Perspective maybe, who knows. At the end of the day the why isn’t as important to me as leaning into this feeling and letting it wash over me.

That last point is important as I’ve been trying to embrace being uncomfortable. I recently listened to a podcast where Pema Chödrön (She’s an American Buddhist teacher and nun) was discussing just that topic – how to be comfortable in the space between known and unknown. Maybe it’s a little woo-woo but it spoke to me. Between the woo-woo Buddhist philosophy, dreaming of ocean travels and discovering this song https://youtu.be/0E1bNmyPWww as well as hearing my old standby Crosby, Stills and Nash song – Southern Cross https://youtu.be/Bw9gLjEGJrw I’m dreaming of seeing the southern cross and enjoying that journey with someone by my side.

For now, I’m going to focus on enjoying tonight and look forward to a tomorrow filled with goodness and light. Stay Salty my friends, be someone’s rock, their port in the storm, give love unconditionally and receive it as well. Be kind to others, be kind to yourself.

In the wee hours of the morning today, I became yet another statistic, a measurable point within our society. Per the results of my PCR test, I am positive for COVID-19. It’s just another data point really. I’m also a divorced man (statistic), I am a person who strayed from their marriage (statistic), I’ve over 50 with a higher than normal chance for suicide (statistic), I am a child of physical and emotional abuse (statistic). I have a certain blood type, I have brown eyes, etc.…. These statistics, overall are really meaningless to me. They don’t define the man I am, they don’t define my relationships, they don’t keep me from evolving. These statistics are indicators of what was, but not of what is to come. They do not define me. My book is still open and there is a whole lot of goodness out there waiting for me. 

As I laid in bed and pondered my fate with COVID, I wondered, am I going to be in a statistic that gets everyone’s attention – will this be fatal? For this one, I find solace in the statistic as I understand in that the chances of this being fatal are very small. Is it this cling to life, the desire to live such a strong driver that we can ignore the other facts? As a person with COVID, so far, I’ve found it to be mostly a drag, I don’t feel very well, I get tired when I walk my dog up my driveway, my O2 level fluctuates between scary @ 95% to fairly normal 98-99%. My heart rate is up and down and all over the place, where I’m normally at 58-60 resting, I’m at 75-80… which is super odd! I’m about midway through this journey, the worst of it has been associated muscle cramping and aches as well as the occasional headache and fever. I am super sneezy too! I just feel puny and run down. At the midpoint, I am hoping this starts to get a little better in the next couple of days.

The upside of this (anyone who knows me knows I have to look for an upside!) is I’ll have 90ish days of immunity moving forward, I’ve had the virus, looked it in the eye and moved along. Hopefully, I’ll be on the waning side of the immunity front when I’m finally able to get my own vaccination. All in all, this is good news as far as I’m concerned. For now, I can be content to have a warm house, warm clothes to wear, good food, the ability to have groceries delivered and still manage to be able to move around to cook. I am a fortunate soul to be sure. The only downside I can see perhaps is the extreme cleaning of my house following this two-week sabbatical, but that would need to be done anyway. 

So then, if you’ve read so far, please continue to be well, keep safe, take good care of yourself. Spread kindness and love, be someone’s rock in their time of need, have empathy and love.

As an extra – I’ll leave this here for you to listen to…. https://youtu.be/0y8Q2PATVyI  This is my favorite tune for the time being… @2:43 shit gets real… this causes every hair on my body to be on end. I hope it stirs in you the emotion it stirs in me.

Stay salty my friends.

Lately, really since a little before Christmas I have gotten into shooting sporting clays. If you research sporting clays even just a little bit, you’ll find it’s comparable to golf, but with a shotgun. I would say this is an appropriate analogy. This ‘sport’ if you will, has me hooked. There’s a fair amount of strategy as you try to shoot the bird (clay Pidgeon) as it’s presented to you in a variety of different formats. It’s also something that you can do outdoors and once you’re out on your circuit of stations, you can do so at an appropriate social distance. This activity, Sporting Clays, is one where you can just be outside and not worry about COVID. It’s a strangely normal activity harkening back to a time when you could do things without worry. Also, interestingly, is the lack of ‘politics’ or divisiveness that seems to be commonplace these days. It’s just a place where folks go to shoot their guns and relax trying to bust more than just a few clays. It’s strange to me such a place exists, but it’s a focus on just the activity and if anything is a wonderful change of pace this is it!

To be successful with Sporting Clays, you have to rely on your unconscious mind. If you think too much, if you aim, you’re going to miss. Shooting on instinct is far more reliable a method than having the opportunity to aim. Shut off the mind, see the target and shoot. It’s quite possibly, aside from riding my motorcycle, one of the most Zen things I have done in a very long time. A respite from the mind… a respite from the world, all within 20 miles of where I live and a blessed hour or so of focus on being outside.

This past weekend I took part in a ‘competition’ or fun shoot as was described by the sporting clays range where I shoot.  After multiple weeks of getting better at shooting, I more or less had my ass handed to me. I shot a 37 out of 100 targets, a 37! Pathetic really, but I couldn’t be more excited about a 37. I think I shot a 17 out of 50 true pairs as well – also pathetic – but considering I’ve been doing this for 3 weeks, I’m pretty damned stoked. As I have been progressing on my own, I’ve shot very well – like 35 out of 50 on my own, in competition though that number dropped… I honestly don’t really care – it was a learning experience. I was very fortunate to be able to ‘squad’ with 3 older gentleman who are much better than I am who imparted knowledge as coaching to try to get me to improve my shooting.

This is such an odd blog post for me – has zero to do with emotional wellbeing or states of mind, but rather – a focus on an activity. It’s neither salty, nor sweet – like the clays flying through the air, either they’ll be busted on the way up, on the way down or by gravity. Gravity always gets them!  (maybe that’s a salty metaphor!) 

As always, I hope if you’re reading this you can be kind to yourself and others, look for goodness, be someone’s rock or place of safety, or find one who can be that for you. Take good care of yourself and those in your vicinity – spread kindness and love.