Author: admin

About 3ish weeks ago, mid-November I started a new job. It was the culmination of many months of being out of work and the rollercoaster of looking for a job, interviewing, talking about myself and trying to come off as cogent and responsible while not seeming too much like a douchebag. It’s like speed dating, only with a little more at stake when you have responsibilities to people and financial institutions. It’s nice to have that chapter closed and move into the next chapter work-wise.

I approached my job search as one does, with intent and maximum effort. I allocated blocks of time searching out opportunities, reached out to my network of peers and friends and had many interviews. As anyone who’s done this knows, the ups and downs of the process are a grind. Highs and potential are highs and repeated rejection is a low. Throughout this process I trusted the universe and felt like I would end up where I needed to be. In the end, that is exactly what happened. I landed at a small startup (I’m employee #37!) surrounded by a small group of kind, focused and diligent folks who share the same vision. I am on a team. Typing those words gives me goosebumps – these are GOOD PEOPLE and I feel so fortunate to have this opportunity.

The opportunity, as I see it is limitless. More important to me though is every voice at the table is heard. Everyone has something to contribute. There’s no predetermined plan, no egos from the top down. It’s just the work. Basic blocking and tackling, wash, rinse, repeat. In the weeks since I’ve started I’ve worked longer days and created/accomplished more than I thought were possible. I’ve had more fun, more success more impact than I thought was possible. In short, it’s been good. Better than I could have imagined even in my wildest dreams.  I have meaningful work with the potential of hanging up my spurs someday in a much different place than I started my career. Even the notion of that seems far away and yet now more of a reality. More good stuff!

This goodness has been pervasive (I like that word used positively) lately. The day prior to my start date I shared with my love how an anvil could have fallen from the sky and killed me that day and I would have died a very happy man. 3 weeks later on a quiet Saturday morning with coffee and my dog at my feet, I can say the very same thing. I feel a level of joy and contentment I don’t know that I’ve ever felt before. Just sitting with myself I am content, if not happy to embrace what’s happening now, today without looking backwards and beating myself up for yesterday. Tomorrow is on the horizon, there are trips and plans, but being present in the moment has priority. Today is good.

Earlier in the week, I was speaking to my therapist Ray Brown about how things seem to be falling in place. In my groove of not taking things personally, about leaning back and letting the madness go on by me. Certainly, there are things that are stressful. Life hasn’t just turned into a world of pillows, puppies and happiness. Real life is happening. People I love are still suffering loss, life continues to throw curveballs, the global pandemic is still having an effect on everything. However, in the middle of this hurricane of life, I feel centered and content in my space and more importantly in my own skin.

I am able to love and be loved, Able to let go, be in the moment and experience what’s happening around me with a happy and grateful heart. This post was inspired by my need to share how I’m feeling today. It was meant as a small sentence to share with the person who has transformed how I perceive the world around me, to the person I turn to most times before I speak to Ray. In the end I guess it turned out to be less salty and sweeter post. I don’t really mind reporting good stuff for a change. The loneliness I’ve been feeling has gone away, I have myself to keep me company.

If you’re reading this and have troubles, or know someone who is suffering, be kind (to them or yourself). Give the person looking back at you in the mirror a break. Love, forgive, be someone’s rock, be your own rock. Love large and forgive quickly. Above all else, stay a little salty and enjoy life.

Over the weekend I started another lap around the sun, fresh and new. I had those people I love most close to me and heard from many friends and family members by text, Facebook message, WhatsApp and even an actual phone call right on time when I was born 51 years ago.

The outpouring of affection wasn’t lost on me. I appreciated it very much. And yet still, despite this outpouring of affection I feel very much isolated and alone. It’s not a bad place to be necessarily, but it does get old. I live in a large house by any standards, that’s not a flex of any sort, but just a fact. When my one kiddo who’s still around is with me, there are 3 souls if you count my dog in the house and it’s still empty and quiet. I spend my days alone in silence, if I go for a walk or run I may listen to music, but I’m stuck in this place between my ears to ruminate about whatever pops in my head.

The rumination isn’t always negative, sometimes I can be very present in the moment and not think, as weird as that may sound, being present in the moment helps, focused on breathing, the weather, the sound of the birds, etc…. In the end, when my walk/run is done, I walk up my front steps, back into my too big for me house and sit alone. In front of a screen or book eventually and always alone.

I’m so tired of this feeling of isolation. Maybe it’s COVID that’s exacerbated the isolation. We can’t see facial features behind our masks, we can’t touch, hug, or shake hands. As a society we’ve taken to moving like icebergs in a store, keeping distance, being mindful and respectful of space so as to keep each other safe.  This distance though, has a downside. As hard as it is for me to characterize something as negative, the distance increases isolation. The isolation comes and it feels like it’s always fully present. There are spurts where it doesn’t feel that way and I try to abide in those times whenever I can. But it always comes back.

Maybe I need a new hobby, it’s getting cooler outside and sporting clays will come back into play again. My yard needs working on if I can find the mechanical tools to plug and seed in the fall. There are certainly things to do and things that need doing. I just wish they didn’t always only get done by me and only me. Perhaps I need to be satisfied internally by a job well done and not feel the need to share or connect with someone else. Maybe that need to connect is what drives my silly habit of sharing things I’ve cooked. Again – who knows if it’s bad or good – it just is.

So once again, I’ve written from the hip, of how I’m feeling, this time isolated and alone. Despite those feelings, I am aware of how fortunate I really am. I am loved, cared for and respected. By any and all measures I am rich in good fortune and love. I just wish I didn’t feel so alone.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to try to be someone’s rock, a port in the storm. A quiet and open mind and ear to listen and console. I’ll try to be kind to myself as I expect others to be of themselves. I’ll stay a little salty because it brings out the sweet.

I’m not feeling very well recently. I’m tired, worn out and I’m rapidly losing my ability to be anything beyond either emotionally distant or empathetic. After 4 days of not really sleeping coming off of two weeks of crazy emotional ups and downs I am left in this place where I’m somewhere between anger and sheer exhaustion.  I could be angry, but it takes too much energy.

I am lonely. While I don’t require anyone else to make me feel better or cheer me up, I am realizing the sheer enormity of time I spend on my own. It would be one thing If I were getting anything done, but that’s not the case. More or less, it feels as if I’m holding space, burning time for someone else’s benefit. Kids have task’s they need dad for, there’s finding work and waiting on someone else’s schedule. There’s stepping around the eggshells of my family’s insecurity’s, being sure not to have any kind of intelligent conversation with anyone. Any real conversation usually devolves into a polemic about all things we disagree on. I’m nearly 51 years old and somehow, my needs, my thoughts, my emotions are too much, not enough or just wrong.

The one bright spot for me has been caring for my mom who’s just had major surgery. It’s like caring for a toddler who’s up multiple times a night. I enjoy being able to fuss over her and make sure she’s fed and watered, that her medications are delivered on time and being able to keep an eyeball on her to gauge her progress now 9 days post-surgery. She’s made remarkable progress in that time. It hasn’t come without a price to my own sanity though. When I do get a break, it’s not really much of a break, run some errands in the evening and not get any downtime, maybe a beer at the local brewery, of course, alone.

The worst aspect of this all is the network or fabric I tend to depend on is stretched thin or just plain unavailable. There has been a fair amount of illness and death in the last month amoung those people I turn to. As is my tendency, I don’t want to impose on anyone who really just needs everyone around them to listen and let them be how they need to be. What do you do when you yourself are in trouble and can’t show up as your best self? It’s not for lack of trying, I am literally doing the best I’m able right now and it isn’t working.

This post – like my mood is shitty. I feel less like someone else’s rock and more like a millstone around someone’s neck. My tank is empty and it’s hard to be kind to others, much less kind to myself. I’m hoping this dark cloud moves away, yeah the sun is shining behind it, but oy vey does the rain suck.

I’ve been on a kick lately binging old re-runs of Anthony Bourdain’s ‘Parts Unknown’ and enjoying it. I’ve written about Tony in the past, if you’ve ever experience deep depression and you’re good at faking things, you can see his ups and downs through the show. It wasn’t before I had experienced deep depression and the struggle of managing it that I have come to recognize it in others. Not quite the superpower I wished for, but it is helpful at times.

 I don’t know if I’m weird in that I can identify with this guy who was 12 years older than me or if it’s wishful thinking that I do and have anything in common with him at all. Anthony Bourdain was a troubled and tormented soul. Whoever looked back at him in the mirror was, to use his words, a charlatan, a phony. Someone who was going to fake you into believing everything was ok, then he was going to steal your ice cream and pop your balloon. I know this guy as he was represented in me, I am taking a leap that Tony felt this way too.

For a good long while I didn’t like the person looking back in the mirror at me. He was fat, had middle aged acne, a weird sense of humor and a funny laugh. He was a liar, he put things in neat little boxes and was good at keeping all the plates spinning until he wasn’t. He was always putting on a brave face and rarely if ever let anyone see the damage or the pain right under the surface. I imagine to some extent, this is the life Tony lived. Yes, he had huge talents and was this gigantic personality, but under all of it was, as I imagine, this kid who didn’t quite fill into the body of work. The man in the mirror he saw was not the guy we all saw and appreciated.

With a new movie coming out July 16^th called ‘Road Runner’ a biography of Tony this feels like as good a time as any to discuss that dichotomy of who we are and who others think we are and how we find a space to hear those people who love us. Over and over again, in Parts Unknown we see Tony give a huge amount of respect and outright love to everyone, he’s self-less in his apparent appreciation of the role he was able to play. If you watch the show, his dear friends are all effusive at how much they love him, his old pals regale him with old stories and they share deep ideas. I can’t help but imagine how anyone must have felt in his presence, even if they were old friends. It’s my hope that in those small places, Tony felt comfortable and able to share who he was to those he knew so well. As I’m prone to do, I may be projecting myself a little bit here, for me when I’m in my safe zone, that is with my dear friends who have seen me at my very best and worst, you know who I’m speaking of, those friends who love you when you can’t love yourself. The ones who accept you for you. I know myself, it’s in that space where I feel the most accepted and loved.

As I was reading a review of this upcoming movie, there’s an article in the Washington Post where they share an interview between Tony and his childhood idol, Iggy Pop. He asks the former punk rocker “What thrills you now?” ‘Being Loved’ is Iggy’s response. The article goes on to discuss how Tony missed this response as if it bounced off of him rather than land.

I know for myself, there was a time when ‘Being Loved’ seemed like it was always there for someone else, it was a nice notion, but it wasn’t for me. I wished as hard as I was able and the cynic in me just kept telling me it was fruitless. As Tony would say, there are no happy endings.

To my surprise as the universe would have it, somewhere along the way over the last 6-ish months I turned a corner and don’t seem to mind the guy looking back at me. Being loved isn’t such a foreign concept either and hearing affirmative things is getting easier. I do still struggle from time to time with negative thinking and dark thoughts, but I find myself in a place where there is space to share and heal. A chance to re-wire old thoughts and memories and put them in perspective while being intentional about making new memories.  Being Intentional about giving and receiving kindness wherever possible has been key.

I will continue to watch ‘Part Unknown’ and look to see where Tony takes me and analyze his ups and downs. I will try to learn from what I observe and at least try not to emulate his life in its self-destructive coping mechanisms. I understand those things all too well. Somehow, this man who I never knew in his life and his death has shared a little insight into my own madness and given me some sense of what to do and what not to do.  In the end, I like to think Tony was impulsive in taking his own life, I think it’s an impulse that for many, as Camus discusses in his book about suicide, is the most rational thing you can consider once you make up your mind.

My experience with rational and irrational thoughts of suicide have changed since a particular day roughly 11 months ago.  I have been transformed and had I acted on my impulse then, I would have missed out on all the goodness that has unfolded before me. The sense of belonging and being valued is new to me and yet not quite lost on me either. This goodness that I’m not sure ‘I deserve’, has certainly transformed my expectations as well as my outlook. I can accept this goodness and enjoy the peace it brings me.

I for one wish Tony had made a different rational thought. Having written the goodbye note myself, literally scratching at the paper with the pen for relief, I know that space, or at least the space that precedes it. I hope that if you’re reading this and have been in that space before, or recently, that you find someone, anyone who you can confide in and make a call for help.

With this utterly too long post I will take my deep (and not so deep thoughts) and ask you to be kind to yourself and others. Love freely and forgive yourself as well as everyone else. We’re all doing the best we can. When you can, be someone’s rock and safe shelter. Shake your ass and make someone giggle. We will all be better for it!

Most of all stay salty, if not a little spicy!

Today I read an article regarding our former President and how he was informed by a Black Secret Service agent on his detail, that having a rally in Tulsa on Juneteenth was “Very Offensive” and not that much later the former President tweeted (of course) that he wished to change the date of the rally. (https://news.yahoo.com/trump-changed-date-juneteenth-tulsa-093404011.html)

If this story were to be true, it would reveal in this person (for whom I have almost zero regard) either he’s not the narcissist he has been portrayed as and has actual feelings and concerns for those around him or that he’s a cunning tactician/politician. Although I’m split on this one, as I’m very openly not a fan, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe he actually holds/held regard for what this holiday meant to that one man and changed his rally date so as to not be offensive to this agent or others. I want to believe somewhere in that vessel of big macs and diet coke resides a teeny tiny soul (you should see tiny hands holding a tiny soul ;-)) who has regard for others, not just himself.

I bring this up because I just had a relatively hard/easy conversation with someone I care very deeply for and it was perhaps one of those everyone is in their own minds (let’s be clear it was THIS JACKASS not anyone else) kind of conversations whereby flags go up and everything is in question when in reality nothing was in question but the question (or the statement not uttered in the first place). I was not my best person earlier this week, I had a manic episode earlier in the week which lasted all of about 3 minutes. Then there were reverberations on the same subject of feeling unimportant. All ego driven and poor execution on my part, but no less real in how I felt. I don’t like it and if I’m going to ‘polish the turd’ which I shat, you could argue instead of swallowing it and rolling on down the line, I brought it up. Not necessarily in the right way but we had the conversation. I feel better, it’s my hope we both feel better. I think we both feel better. Thankfully my partner is direct and understanding of my foibles.

For my part, even though I’ve identified the trigger, I tried as best I’m able to convey how I won’t let time go by when I’m not feeling well and just ask the damn question. This is a new space for me and one I value as much as I value anything. It feels very safe, more-so even now as I type this. After the earlier episode, I am considering some means of managing myself either naturally (exercise and diet) or chemically (meds again). My sense is the natural option is the way to go but I’m not too proud to not go back on the meds. Rocco and I are still discussing…TBD

What’s overwhelmingly obvious is we never know what’s going on with someone else or where their mind is or has been, we can only trust. We can also ask what’s up and trust the answer will maybe make us or maybe them feel better. Just as I want to trust/believe the former Cheeto-In-Chief has a soul, as much as we’re able to trust anyone, the stories in our minds as we have played them out sometimes reveal a very ugly side of who we are. I’m no different from anyone else really and its hard work to not take things personally, it’s hard work to always be calm and accepting of what we can’t change. We need kindness, love, grace and a veritable TRUCKLOAD of patience. Thankfully these things are available to me freely. I belong.

I am the luckiest person I know right now. Things are good. Not pie-in-the-sky manic good either, just good. Grounded good. Consistent good. The bounce back after the episode didn’t leave me wracked with guilt nor did I once create a storyline in my head regarding my own self-worth. I knew once the trigger was identified what had happened. My execution was off, but we’re all a work in progress doing as well as we can.

With that I’ll leave you to be kind to yourself, be someone’s rock or place of shelter, an Oak in a windstorm to hang onto.

Love freely and openly and don’t ever stop turning towards those you love with open arms and heart.

At some point in our lives we learn to submit, either through experience or intelligence, we come to a point whereby submission to the world around us is easier than continuing the search for happiness. For some this submission comes with a bang or a whimper – by the gun, by the bottle or by giving up and giving into the voices in your head.

I’ve found this point, the place where life is not only good but beyond anything I could have imagined. In my happy state, I can only relate it to floating weightless and my heart, inside of my body has no effort to beat. All of the fear, stress and worry has disappeared. In its place is gratitude and love. I’m not so naïve to imagine that this happy and blissful state will continue but I trust, despite my ability to show stress and revert back to a place I don’t like to go to, the people around me will continue to love me and help me back to this happy place.

I for the first time in my life, feel as if I belong. There is no price to pay, no goods to offer, no tit for tat exchanges. I am loved despite my fallibility. Appreciated for my kindness and moreover cared for, loved and celebrated to some extent. It’s wonderful and scary all at the same time.

As fantastic as this state of being is, just on the other side of your mind is where you go to when you’re tired, scared of losing and holding on too tightly to what it is that’s bringing you happiness (or what seems to be bringing the happiness). The other side when your mind allows you to imagine things that relate back to what you’ve known and lost, what is at stake if you lose and falls back into what you’ve known – reminding you how useless you are, how disposable you are and how you shouldn’t expect to receive or even dare to think about being deserving of happiness.

I am coming off an experience that has turned my world on its head, as I type this entry I go from smiling broadly and feeling fantastic to crying uncontrollably. It’s a process changing your mind, changing your intention and how you process the experiences which form in the world around you. I honestly feel as if there’s two sides of my brain in battle and I’m sitting in there as well adjudicating the fight. In this case, as I reflect on the good I’ve experienced and the scary stories being conjured in my head, I have at least one foot on the ground and enough experience to know this up and down was coming.  In the past I’ve often times told my therapist – let’s call him Stanley Clarke, when I feel like this I need to grind through it – a physical enduring of the pain being conjured in my head. This time I’m just going to feel the sadness I feel right now and know that once it passes, the good stuff will be back in no time.

The happiness that’s come up in me has been with me all along and it comes from me and emanates out of who I am. I can experience happiness (and sadness) without someone else (or some substance) to ‘fix’ how I’m feeling.

This one is on me to resolve and I am positive things are on the upswing.

Stay Salty my friends – be kind to yourself and to others. Be someone’s rock, carry their bag if they’ll let you and most of all love freely and openly.  

I’ve been riding (literally and figuratively) a series of ups and downs lately. Everything is as it has been which is good, if not GREAT. A couple weeks ago I set out to tackle the section of MABDR where I broke my collarbone last October. As luck would have it motorcycle gremlins would rob me of a good portion of my trip – which was actually a good thing. My trip was delayed by 4 days while I waited for parts to get back out on the road. Normally that would have put me in a big funk – however – this just meant more downtime/quality time/get-things-done time. It turned out to be a vacation from my vacation – found time – literally.

I mowed the lawn, cleaned the house, ran to the dump, splashed the boat. Imbibed in goodness and love and laughed more over one weekend than a person should. A blessing to be sure!

Now – about intention and living intentionally.

I have been listening to different music for me lately.

This song in particular:

I’ve been listening to this almost every morning as I walk the dog early in the morning with birds chirping and the morning light.

The lyrics speak to me:

The idea or notion that the sun rises and we are given the day to enjoy or endure (that decision/description/distinction is ours to decide) and we will breathe in and breathe out – regardless the sun will cross the sky until nightfall and the cycle happens again. We have control of our breathing, we have control of our minds and we can be focused on the moment as it is happening. Practicing this intention has been transformative. I have found that my penchant to give things labels and stack them neatly in a box is waning. As I give myself to the happenings of the day and evaluate things in the moment rather than worry about what may be to come, I am happier.

Recently I read a quote from a Jewish Rabbi (I wish I had grabbed the full quote!) that goes like this: ‘The biggest waste of energy is to obsess about an answer to a question that hasn’t been asked.”

As someone who’s prone to rumination about what could have been, what was, what might be – this is transformative. By taking things as they come day to day I have found myself better able to breathe. I sleep better, I worry less. I sing – badly and often and the joy I feel is palpable.

There is love all around me, there is love all around all of us – if we are open to receive it and intentional about returning – that love and that energy can sustain us.

‘Screen time’ i.e.: time in my helmet, away from the world and digital connections was restorative to my soul. Being present and open to what comes into our lives, people, opportunity, chaos – whatever – being present and intentional about that presence has changed my life for the better.

With that I’ll remind you to be someone’s rock, their port in the storm, be kind to yourself and share that kindness with others.

Love will prevail, goodness will find you. Keep walking the path until the two intersect and there you will find contentment and joy.

Stay Salty my friends!

TikTok may be the devil….

But in this case, the devil brought me a little wisdom. Communication is very important, however, without comprehension all the best communication is lost. That is to say, when someone speaks, you hear them, if you don’t whatever is said is lost between you.

My prior self-loathing has been well-documented in this forum. Yes, I have moved on, I have lightened my load so to speak, that suitcase of guilt and shame is well behind me in the rear-view mirror. The fortress I had built around my heart, lays in shambles, little piles of wood waiting to be burned to dust. Why is this? Someone very recently said to me ‘Oh MY GOD, you are SUCH A GOOD PERSON!!!’ This person, we’ll call her Tina, said this to me and it landed squarely in my head and heart. Those words wrecked me in the very best way possible. Every damn defense mechanism I’ve built for the past 30 years has been blown to bits.

I’ve had many people say this to me, that I am a good person, ‘a good guy,’ hell, my therapist, Mikey League, has pointed this out to me more times than I wish to admit to when he asks the question: ‘Who buys 6 dozen donuts and coffee for a staff of people just because they admire and appreciate their efforts on behalf of a bunch of kids who aren’t yours?’ I would tend to just sweep this question under the rug, my alter-ego Pedro tends to buy Krispy-Kreme’s for a bunch of teachers it’s not a big deal for me.  Why do I do this? My answer in the past has always been, because I can, not because I’m a good person. Anyone with a brain and heart would do the same thing….(or should!)

In my last post I spoke of this happiness and being scared of this new feeling and while being able to understand I am deserving of it, still not really able to comprehend. My buddy, a very long and dear friend and I were going back and forth via text, his words… I’m happy for you! – You deserve it! Again, these words landed. It’s as if all of a sudden, I can say, hell yeah, I deserve this goodness. This goodness is restorative to my being, it has helped me to be more focused on my friends and family. I can be the loving and generous person I am that is true to who I am without any question to if it’s odd. This is a gift, a fantastic gift that I wish everyone can experience.

Communication and comprehension. It’s such a simple concept and yet, here we go again… at 50, someone who is a stranger on TikTok laid some wisdom on me.

With that thought, I’m going to offer this very strange challenge to anyone who reads this: What in your head, belief system, self-image or whatnot is getting in the way of you comprehending what people are telling you? I have an idea of what it was for me. All I can say is when those words hit and you hear them for the first time, it’s like something fills your lungs and you can finally, actually breathe. It is the sweetest music and the warmest, softest blanket.

Stay salty my friends, be someone’s rock, their port in the storm, give love unconditionally and receive it as well. Be kind to others, be kind to yourself. Listen to what people say and consider they may be right.