There’s an artist who’s installing trolls made out of recycled materials all over the US. As luck would have it there are 4 or 5 at a park here locally. I decided to go check them out and used the trip over there as an excuse for a little reading, a little playing with a new toy, a quick stop to see Thing 2, and some time to think. I was feeling down for some reason, enough that it took something to get me on my feet and out the door. I would have loved to have had company. Doing it on my own was good enough.
A nap once I got home, then I uncovered the boat and headed to the lake for some fresh air and a beautiful sunset. I could feel the weight of the day evaporate. For once, the self-care was a grapefruit seltzer and a beautiful sunset.
Lately it seems I’ve been doing a lot of taking care of, or at least feeling compelled to take care of others, and I’m beginning to realize the toll it’s taking on me. I’ve written a good bit here about my struggles, and about relationships too. I recently read something to the effect of: you can be fully happy being on your own and still be lonely. You can come home to an empty house and be fine, as I am, and still wish there were someone to ask me about my day. I see it in my mom, how her mood perks up after I spend the day there working. I think my need to see my kiddo was sort of the same thing. Even for a short moment, I was in a familiar setting, at least one of them nearby.
Loneliness be damned, I’m absolutely unsure where this emotion is coming from. During the week I have a plan, people who expect I’ll be at the desk, moving things forward. Saturday and Sunday mornings come along and I’m more or less lost. Same routine, coffee, computer, chores. The monotony of being alone has become comforting to an extent, and still I find myself missing someone to hold close, someone to maybe help me look after myself. Hell, I’m in need of a wardrobe redo and even that has me wishing for another opinion I respect.
It’s not a matter of finding people to date, that’s the easy part. It’s finding someone whose company I enjoy, who can make me think or laugh. Turns me on as much mentally as physically. Someone who lets me put down the armor and move into a different way of being. I have a fear that I’ve forgotten what that’s like. Maybe it’s because the people I’m meeting aren’t open themselves. Who knows.
For now, yet again, I’m going to saddle up and head into the holiday-shortened week and move along. Be kind to yourself, be kind to others. Give the person in the mirror a break, and give someone who may need a hand the help they deserve, without limitation.
Stay salty my friends.