admin – Page 2 – Upon this Rock

On things being better

I was cleaning out my closet the other day trying to make sense of things (It’s a mess!) I knocked over a bag which was filled with old cards from my kids and family, photos, letters and strangely enough book covers. I’ll call this a happy accident because I had been thinking about something I’ve wanted to write for a while. As I thumbed through the cards, there were several anniversary cards from my ex-wife and other things like old photos of my kids and stuff from college. What was strange, aside from the fact I don’t remember keeping these, was the timing of re-reading this stuff. I had literally, 20 minutes prior, read an article about relationships and how, when we’re intentional about them, they can help heal us when there is someone in our lives who is truly in it with us and can reflect what we can’t see with love and understanding, healing the parts of ourselves we don’t quite want to see or relive. A good partner helps us see our blind spots and become aware of them while helping us understand why we can’t see what we don’t want to while always loving.

A quoted passage from the article I read:

“Life is relationship. We are constantly relating to one thing or another. However, within this infinite sphere, the loving relationships are undoubtedly the most powerful catalyst or activator of the truth. If life is a school, relationships are our university. Through relationships we have a chance to mature and activate the human values that facilitate our evolution. This process happens because the other, regardless of whoever they may be, is always acting as a mirror that reflects the parts of ourselves that we need to see. Sometimes, the other reflects aspects of the higher truth and the Being that dwells within us, and other times they reflect aspects of the transitory truths that also inhabit us.”
Sri Prem Baba, from the book Love and Be Free

For the better part of my life, I have felt relatively unworthy of the love I’ve received. It’s not that I couldn’t feel the existence or presence of love and affection, it was more along the lines of ‘this is really nice for now, at some point, it’ll all be gone and I’ll be alone.’ I’ve documented enough times how I’m good at pushing people away before they can push me away or leave. I’ve read, this is a reaction to not having your needs met as a child and/or young/adult. If I think about growing up, it wasn’t that my needs weren’t met. I got to play outside, get into trouble, play with my friends, wander aimlessly in the woods, fish, run barefoot, etc…that part is the stuff I really enjoyed and still reflect on with a whole lot of happiness. I was free in the woods to explore and create. It was the environment inside my house growing up that was full of chaos. There was always turmoil of some sort, my dad, my brother, my sister and brother fighting, there were times of peace, but always the smallest twitch or misunderstanding away from an outbreak of chaos. I had to always be aware of who was going to explode and how I was going to mitigate that risk either by being cute, a smart ass or trying to disarm the scariest person in the room. That habit transformed as an adult and gives me my ability to speak to anyone, about nearly anything and connect with whomever I’m speaking (most of the time!). I’m good at idle chit-chat and the occasional dive into a sensitive topic, just not too deep! I have always felt the need to be nice and funny, considerate and non-intrusive. By understanding where the danger is and knowing how to disarm it I could keep myself safe. These are all great skills, except when you are in a relationship and the wheels come off. In close relationships, marriages and dedicated partnerships – no one knows you and can hurt you like your spouse/partner. They hold the cards of your happiness if you’re young and immature and not fully functional emotionally. Of course, this is bullshit, they don’t REALLY hold the cards, it just feels as if they do. Reading old letters from my ex-wife only drove home (in retrospect) how unprepared I was to live with someone, much less get married. Even then, I am sure I read her words and they didn’t land. Reading them now, in the headspace I am in today is upsetting. I know now what I didn’t know then, at best I did the best I was able at the time, but there was real love and affection there and yet I was unable to see it or much less believe it. I wrote to her after our divorce and told her, the thing I regret more than anything else is how I lost sight of trusting what we had because I couldn’t ask for what I needed. An affair didn’t help of course, it was both the cause of our divorce and a symptom of how broken I (and our relationship was from my perspective) was. (make no mistake – I own my actions – I did what I did!) As weird as this might sound, I am grateful for the lessons I’ve learned along the way.

Today, I am in a relationship that is so far from anything I have ever experienced, it’s hard to categorize it (as if giving it a name will make it more real). This woman meets me where I am always – physically, emotionally and intellectually. It’s scary and breathtaking at the same time. Scary because I know how I feel about her and the depth of my feelings. Breathtaking because for the first time in my life I can trust and let go (full transparency – I’m still working on this aspect but it seems closer now than ever before). I can fall and know I won’t be alone. I can trust my partner and myself that we can take the leap together and support each other as we need, how we need. We can be open in our communication and have the belief that we can ask for our needs to be met by the other without fear of judgement, knowing BECAUSE we are loved, we will each make a best effort to meet the other one where they are. For the first time in my life, I can stand on my own two feet and appreciate (mostly) the man I am. I don’t “NEED” a partner to make me whole, I am not so alone that I depend on someone to bring me happiness. Those things stated, this, all of this, with Maya is completely different. It feels different because it is. She’s said that we’ve done this before, she and I, and that we get to do this again together. That’s why what we have is so easy and feels so much like it does. What I know is Maya helps me be a better father, a better son, a better brother, a better ex-husband and a better person. This woman has brought peace into the entirety of my world by just being who she is and how she is appreciating me for who I am even when I can’t see the good in myself.

This blog, my writing has been mostly me exploring the random thoughts in my head while trying to make sense of them by writing them down. It’s been a place where I’ve cataloged highs and lows and how I have learned to accept things which weren’t easy to understand when I started. As my domain subscription is coming to an end, it’s fitting that I have run the gamut of emotional experiences to find myself here in this place writing. Sometimes, this is where thoughts formulate before anyone hears them. Although usually, I have a thought and I might share it with Rocco and usually share it with Maya too, sometimes, she hears it before Rocco. The space we inhabit together is safe and without judgement. For the past year or so it’s becoming more and more a place where it’s easier finding the courage to let down my guard completely (that sentence just put a lump in my throat!) allowing my partner to help me explore my wounds, traveling into the dark places together and take advantage of the mirror of our relationship to see the scars which make us who we are, perfectly imperfect. In this new paradigm we shine the light into the scary places and hold on to each other as we explore and relive our past experiences differently. For me this is all new and wonderful and different. My intention is to keep hold of the hand I get to hold, to love as intentionally as I am able and to do the best I can while I can. Different is good, maybe even better. For once in my life I can’t quite find the words to describe the feeling.

With that I’ll say again. Be kind to yourself and others, be someone’s rock or port in the storm. Love often and fully without judgment, first with yourself then for others.

Brake Check!

Every so often, maybe once a year, maybe once every year and a half, I check the brakes on my drinking. Usually this happens after a period of increased drinking on my part. Sometimes the beer doesn’t taste so good anymore, sometimes I get a funny feeling, it’s usually tied to how I feel physically or to an external event which makes me reconsider drinking for a little while.

The first time this happened was a combo event of the beer not tasting good and me having to worry about being left at an event far enough from home for it to be a very long walk. Overall, what I have found is when I do check the brakes the first couple of days kind of suck, then it eventually turns into solid nights of sleep and a rebalancing/reframing of the world around me. It’s always a good move in the end and the suck doesn’t seem too bad in hindsight.

This time for me it’s more about how I’m feeling. I’ve been off, or out of balance for about 6-8 weeks and I’m not sure why. Even though I’m walking between 50 and 85 miles a week now (thanks walking desk and warm spring weather!) I can’t seem to manage my anxiety to the extent that I wish I could. Obviously, there’s the option of meds to control this. It’s an option and not one I would like to try right now. Alcohol has some very specific influences on anxiety, lack of sleep or poor sleep over time because of alcohol is a very well documented side effect. When I don’t sleep well over extended periods of time I tend to circle the drain. When that starts, my anxiety goes up and I tend to begin focusing on things that aren’t beneficial to focus on. They end up being stories in my own head rather than being based in fact. Many times these thoughts have had a negative effect on my relationships and this time I have enough sense to take action before things start to unravel. This is as much for me as anyone else.

A couple of weeks back, in a tender moment, Maya commented about my eyes, how they are either very light or can be very dark. I think what she meant was they tell her what’s up with me at any given moment. It was not her intention to elicit the reaction that came, but I got a little upset. I don’t like when someone can see the darkness, that’s mine to share or not. The other day I was sharing my intention to take a brake check session with Sonny T. I told him about the light and dark comment and how that upset me. He asked if I didn’t want to be vulnerable to Maya, in fact I was sharing this all with Maya as well and since then I’ve spent some time thinking about this. I have zero problem being vulnerable with most anyone. Especially the person/people I trust the most, the person I will not and cannot lie to. What I don’t like is being in a position of having someone be able to look at me, specifically into my eyes and know something is up with me and wonder what that is. I am afraid if there’s too much dark too often it’ll get old.

It’s not the intimacy of knowing me that I take issue with. This is a level of intimacy I have wanted for a very long time. This is level of trust and acceptance between two people I have never experienced. The issue isn’t with vulnerability, it’s that I am tired of this vacillation between light and dark. This is more about me not liking me at times and not wanting to subject the people I love to yet another moody Peter. In this case, I imagine be it my therapist or my love, both would ask me what’s wrong with being moody. My response to that hypothetical question is nothing – except my moods, my reactions, my emotions are mine and when they bubble over into someone else’s pot, it’s not fair for them to have to deal with my shit too. Even if they don’t mind, I do. I don’t need to be perfect, just less me at times. We all have things to deal with and carry, carrying my load doesn’t do anyone any good. Being honest (and vulnerable) I am afraid if someone gets to know the person I see, the person inside of me, they’re gonna run. Everyone has their limit. I’m tired of pushing people away before they get to this point. I need to figure this one out.

I’m going to be checking the brakes because I need to get a level of control back and see if no alcohol plus exercise resets my balance. Once that balance is restored, I’m hoping I can gain some perspective on the one thing that continues to bubble up. I keep wrestling with fear, I’m starting to lose my ability to maintain my coping mechanisms. It’s getting hard to always see the sunny side of the street and I’m getting tired of feeling like I need to polish the turds all the time. I know without a doubt there are people in my life who love me unconditionally. I am thankful for them, maybe thankful isn’t the right word, I’m grateful and feel lucky to have these people in my life. What I wish I could figure out is how to show up better for them. I can’t do that until I can figure out how to show up better for myself.

This dance with fear for me is a bit of a cage match. I want to lock it in a room and go toe to toe with it and literally beat it the fuck out of my life. I want to be able to walk into any situation without scanning the room for danger and feeling like I need to disarm the scariest person. This method of survival after 50 years of it is getting old. I know it’s possible, I have a scar on my face that helped me accept the man in the mirror (to an extent) and as I laid in bed this morning, I decided that I can beat this one, fear, too.

I wish I had something positive to add after all this rambling – I’m trying to be kind to myself and give myself the room to explore and resolve, so maybe that’s the positive message at the end of a post – be kind to yourself and give yourself room to breathe and ponder the options of accepting who you are. Be the change as they say. (Even though I never know who ‘they’ are!) Let’s hope this journey is more restorative than destructive.

After I finished this I keep coming back to this clip from one of my favorite silly movies because it always occurs to me that I should think less……https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzkrKfk4kYE

Be kind to yourself and others!

What if?….

A couple of Fridays ago a childhood friend of mine died on the side of the road during a run. Mike was out for a run on his own and didn’t have any identification on him. He was found on the side of the road, pronounced dead and laid in a hospital morgue. Once the hospital could get information from his phone and contact his daughter and his twin brother. They each received a phone call from Mike’s phone with the question – what relation are you to the number we’re calling from? This is how they found out their twin brother (and Dad) was dead. They had no idea he was gone until they did. Their lives were different.

This news hit me hard as I know both twins growing up. They along with my oldest friend lived in my grandparent’s neighborhood. We all played together as kids, played soccer together, were in band together, etc. Everyone loved them, they were kind and funny. They were always larger than life even when they were kids. Mike leaves a 19-year-old daughter and a partner of 10 years and her kids behind. He also left his brother, the person who ostensibly knew him best, his carbon copy twin to live for the first time without him, his mom and dad, sister and sister-in-law and nephews. Mike was a giant in his industry and now his colleagues and family are trying to come to terms and grieve after this out of the blue shock.

This is heart-breaking, these guys were, in my eyes, at the top of the mountain. I can’t think of one without the other. We lose people in our lives. I’ve heard people say ‘dying is part of living and none of us get out of this life alive.’ While there’s truth to that, it doesn’t make me feel any better. I’ve lost my father, my partner has lost her mother, these are things that change who we are and how we go on living. Our lives without those people we lost and love so much are different moving forward. We are changed and how we relate to others after that change alters how we see the world around us. For me it has changed how I deal with letting people know what they mean to me. Sometimes, it’s all the time.

When someone who’s healthy, vibrant, larger than life just drops dead it makes you think. At least it make me think and wonder. It has me thinking about my own mortality, my family, my kids and close friends and my partner. If I dropped dead tomorrow, I may die a happy and contented man, how I am right now, having found and actively experiencing love, acceptance, the occasional well-meaning slap on the ass. My life is as good right now as it has ever been.

What about the people in my life who are so dear to me? Do they know what they mean to me? Do they know without question that I love them for who they are? That I am proud of them and love them absolutely? Do they know in their bones whatever issues there were between us don’t really matter and that for me their presence in my life, the experiences we shared, and the love is what matters? Do they know beyond everything else how much they are loved?

The overly dramatic person I am immediately thought about where I am right now. How everything is just right and growing from a pile of shit into something great. Mike was on the same trajectory, having overcome craziness at home with an ex-wife and having to single handedly raise his daughter. My path and Mikes path are /were different but also similar, my life has taken this turn where things were not always as good as they are right now. When I first conjured this post I was thinking of a time (illustrated in a series of photos from May of 2005) There was a glimpse of perfection for me as a parent. It was one of the first times I could stop and be present and realize the amazing perfection of the moment without worrying. Up to this point they had been few and far between. I can think of a handful of them since I was about 15. A handful! Maybe 5? Those 5 I enjoyed on my own and In-between those I had to keep everything buttoned in and not be too optimistic to expect more goodness. Don’t share, if you do share, don’t overshare, don’t be who you want to be (or need to be) in that moment, don’t don’t don’t.

I’ve heard it my whole life: ‘Pipe down Peter’ Don’t whatever…. It’s too much.’ The implication was always thart my behavior was not acceptable – and I should be acceptable. (this isn’t only my experience – I know and have talked about this with other people who have experienced the same) Changing who you are to benefit someone else to your detriment is bullshit. I have done it before and it didn’t work out. Finally I can recognize it when it pops up and characterize the comment as soon as it happens. Sometimes it’s me, sometimes it’s not me but a reaction to me that I don’t control. Either way I’ve learned to not take it personally.

Back to the perfection from May of 2005 – The organizers had a kids ‘race’ where the kids ran from point A to point B (maybe 50 yards) and the ‘winner’ won something – I couldn’t tell you what. I crouched with Eleanor, hyping her up, pointing to the line, to the finish person and gave her instructions on where to run. The gun cracked – the kids all took off and for about 3 seconds I was cheering at the top of my lungs GO ELEANOR!!!! I was sort of sucked in and uber competitive. Then it hit me – shut up and enjoy the show stupid – and I started laughing and really being present to enjoy watching my little girl run totally the wrong way with a silly grin on her face. Her mom was there, her sister was there, they were there to support me – everything was good. Even now, 17 years later I can remember the joy and feel it too. Everything was good – until it wasn’t. There was a family vacation in 2010 where I remember sitting alone on a beach after a very long days drive and feeling very happy and grateful that I could be where I was. I couldn’t believe it, I had gotten here and made this happen. I felt so good! These moments up until about a year ago have been really few and far between. When I experienced these moments, I had to do it on my own and be happy in them and not share.

She’s off and I was in the moment yelling GO!!!!

This is what perfection looks like – I remember feeing the joy of that laugh seeing my little girl run so crazily – in her mind she was just having fun in the moment.

I am finally in this place where I have the freedom to be who I am and who I would like to be. I am able to see and experience moments more fully and they seem to come more regularly. It is a gift, even if I have the propensity to overshare what I’m thinking during them. Rome wasn’t built in a day folks, while I am sentient and can be empathetic, even to people I don’t really like, I’m still figuring out and coming to terms with this new way of being. I have people in my life who love me even when I am unable to love myself. They love me somehow in-spite of who I am and because I am who I am. In the wake of what happened to Mike, I am sitting here wondering how long I have the way things are now? Is this the way it’s supposed to be? How long do I get to enjoy this? Am I going to be able to let these people know what they mean to me? Does it matter to them to know? Am I being selfish in being overly ‘too much’ whatever that is?

As I type this I can’t imagine how the next few years might go, I have an idea based on how this last year has gone and while I know there’s no real point to having these thoughts I want to. There is a part of me that wants a solid plan for this in-between time where I am now and when I get to start a life with someone. I can imagine growing old with a partner and having a deep and meaningful connection that goes beyond anyone else’s imagination aside from ours. It’s odd to me that I can have a daydream for how I want to grow old but no real vision of what I hope for in the interim. I can’t tell if it’s self-preservation that I can’t picture it or that it’s pointless to conjure something in the future that could change in an instant like my friends family’s lives did. I certainly don’t live in fear of it, I am cognizant of the potential of change and what my choices are relative to when or if it comes.

How do you adequately express gratitude? Or happiness? Or love? What is adequate in these terms? What is appropriate? I can hold things back and I do, sometimes I overshare when I lose my ability to keep the lid on and weird things bubble over. How can we love completely, fully without limit and not seem like a whacko? How can we love within limits and not give too much of ourselves? Are there limits where love is concerned?

What if an anvil fell from the sky today or tomorrow and took us or someone we love from us without any warning? These are silly thoughts – we have no control over what the universe has in store for us. But this is my blog so I can offer up these silly thoughts with knowledge that very very few people will read them!

If you’ve read this far you should get a prize! I hope if you’ve read this far you can consider being someone’s rock and safe port in the storm. The person who checks those you love for their own good and growth. That you can first and foremost be kind to yourself so you can be kind to others.

Oh and tell those people you love that you love them, be the light.

Aye Carumba!

Very recently I was sitting with Jaco and tried to make sense of a couple of things. 1) When I get scared or fearful, this side of me I don’t like shows up and 2) At 51 years old I am finally learning about unconditional love.

The first one is easy to understand, I’ve written about this in the past, physical and emotional abuse takes time to process and maybe like cancer, takes its own time to present after eating away at you for a good long while. My experience has been if I can put a name to something, then I can begin to understand whatever feelings may come. It’s not unlike looking in the mirror and connecting the dots – hindsight as they say is 20:20. I know now when I react in a certain way it is fear that’s driving the often-unreasonable emotional response. Taking a breath and taking a quick look at the absolute facts tends to get that squared away and puts me back on an even keel. Sometimes though, it takes a little bit and it’s understandable if you find yourself fighting with an unreasonable story that crops up in your head.

The second one, as I’ve been thinking about it is about believing and knowing that I too deserve to be loved. I know there are people who love me, there are people who despise me and yet still love me to an extent. There are people I’ve hurt who still love me who must keep their distance for their own good. When I stop and consider all of this, I realize the hurt and the damage I have caused comes from my own lack of understanding of my worth and that someone can love or care about me beyond ‘what they are obligated to do.’

I wish more than anything I were a better man and able to understand how people I care about find anything good in me. That lack of understanding allowed me to hurt a good many people unnecessarily. It’s still difficult for me to see the person who is loved. That inability on my part has really hurt several people and while I can’t undo the hurt, I can acknowledge it and hope for forgiveness. My own blindness is to blame if there’s blame to be given.

Over the past year, I have been fortunate to experience a relationship which is unlike anything I’ve known. Maybe I have experienced something similar before and wasn’t able to comprehend, or maybe this is just all the way different. Either way, it feels like someone whacked me good across the head and allowed me to see. There’s a biblical passage about Saul having something like scales falling from his eyes and his subsequent baptism and rebirth – this feels like I imagine Saul felt. A whole new world has opened up. Everything is new and good.

Almost a year ago, A Hail-Mary Fuck-It what’s this going to hurt anything message to a woman I saw on Match.com. She was tall (still is!) and well-travelled, seemed cool and interesting. Clearly out of my league, but who cares, I had nothing to lose and swung for the fences, I sent a message. What are the odds this person will A) find me interesting and B) not be crazy? (SLIM!) To my surprise she responded after a hail-Mary second message (yes I am pathetic). Some message exchanges, some texts, a zoom hangout (Pandemic anyone) a coffee date in person, several emails, and messages later and this woman, Maya and I click. Another marathon zoom session, some walks, a brunch, a bench and a kiss and I was done-diddly done-fore. Never have I ever jumped in without regard to what might happen to my heart or soul. Maya blew all my defenses to pieces in all the ways I realize now needed to happen. My experience a year later and I’ve learned more about love and acceptance, about frustration and resolution. I’ve learned how to lean into trusting and throwing caution to the wind. I’ve learned how to let go and believe (ok – absolute truth here – 98% of the time I believe this) someone can find anything acceptable about who and how I am. I’ve learned about how to be intentional in loving and trusting. I’ve learned to give someone space to be and to not take feedback personally. I’ve learned how to be direct in sharing and, hard as it may be for me, to take a compliment and hear positive language where I am concerned. I am a more patient and understanding man, I am a more complete man. For the first time ever, I feel connected to someone that funny enough, I am not physically connected to as often as I’m used to being and yet we’re tied together. I have happened upon someone I have known before and who I am still learning about every day.

All of this scares the ever-living crap out of me because if I’ve had this before, I was too narrow-minded or stupid to recognize it. As I write this all I can think of or feel is how centered and easy I feel. If all of it went to hell in a handbasket tomorrow, how I feel right now is worth it.

In a couple of days we will be on the other side of an entire lap around the sun together. It feels like a snap of the finger and like we’ve always been doing this. Don’t get me wrong, we still have things to sort out together, we’re still learning how to move together to a rhythm eight beat phrases at a time. What I know and understand is I am loved and appreciated. Fear or no fear, being loved unconditionally by someone who doesn’t have to is a new concept. I like it. I like it a lot. All the time.

Jaco said to me, the price of loving someone deeply is that you may lose them someday. In this case, with my Maya, I am in with both feet up to my eyeballs and I am a better man all the way around for it. Fuck the worry – I am loved, I am in love and grateful for all of it. Things finally seem to be falling into place. Maybe they have been all along and I couldn’t see the goodness. Either way, things are different, I am different and it feels good.

This is a super uber sappy-sweet post and not at all salty – if you’ve made it this far please be present for those people who need a steady presence – be someone’s port in a storm and touchstone for good. Be kind to yourself and others.

Skeletons from way back

Over this past weekend my younger kiddo received some news that wasn’t what she expected. It was a heart-breaking soul crushing experience for her. As if all the hard work she’s put in for so long and the things everyone has been telling her came out to be untrue. She was crushed upset and vacillated between moody teen and sobbing child. The idea and message that the universe is in control of things doesn’t really resonate with an upset teenager. As her dad I sat by helpless doing what I could but really, all I can do is listen, give her space to process her emotions and give her hugs, kisses on the head and backrubs.

All of that stated, I found myself angry. Angry that my child was hurting, helpless that I could do anything to alleviate the pain and looking for a reason to go off on someone. Thankfully, there was no explosion. Maybe some terse words between thing two and I but for the most part it was ok. I bring this up because earlier in the week I was speaking with my guy, Jimmy Garrison, and he pointed out my tendency to expect shit to go sideways. By sideways, I mean for things to go wrong or not right or something pop up that I will have to endure. (y’all familiar with the concept of duality will take issue with my right/wrong declarations)

This past Christmas I had a lovely and wonderful trip abroad with my love. There came a point when she was upset about things that were completely out of her control and she was crying and hurting, not unlike my thing 2 this week. In reflection, I was myself not in my best frame of mind, while I was surrounded by people I love and adore, I was feeling alone to an extent. When my love became upset, I reacted in a similar way, I became angry and discontented. This anger I think drove me into an interaction between the two of us that wasn’t nice. It turned into a day full of disconnection and, interestingly enough a physical response I haven’t had since I went through my divorce. In the end, the outcome was a stronger bond and better understanding between us, but the journey to get to that place could have done without about 18-24 hours of each of us feeling hurt and worrying about things.

What I’m wondering now is if this feeling of ‘lack of control’ and ‘anger’ is really fear left over from when I was a little boy in a chaotic household. Usually, it was my dad I’d be watching and managing, sometimes, my older brother, sometimes it was dancing between the storms of what seems like my older brother, sister and dad. These storms held emotional, verbal or physical abuse. In my family, words were used as weapons in the way that hands were used to whack you a good one. If I try and take an unbiased view of how my siblings and I, we each managed to find a coping mechanism, be it control, being an authoritarian or what I do, which is crack a joke to disarm folks and get them laughing. I’m good at being empathetic to others and I’m starting to wonder if this empathy isn’t a coping mechanism to help me figure out where the threats are in any given room. Is it fear and not empathy? It’s like sometimes there’s a switch that comes into play that is all about self-preservation rather than anything else. By identifying the potential danger and disarming it by becoming empathetic to that person, I somehow keep myself safe. This fear based coping mechanism is good (or works) until it isn’t. As good as my life is right now, as centered as it is, sometimes it’s not and I lose my balance. When that happens, all hell can break loose.

Time and time again, I have examples of times in my life where I have been fearful, and it’s manifested itself into anger. I lash out and then feel badly afterwards. Hiding behind anger is easier than being left vulnerable to be hurt maybe. This anger in retrospect doesn’t feel so great. It’s what was done to me as a kid, and the one thing I didn’t want to pass on to my kids, and yet – somehow, I am positive I have. Once I figure this out for me, it’s going to be imperative that I figure it out for them too (or at least try to share with them and apologize.)

All this is great theory, but the events of this week coupled with the disagreement I had with my love a month ago leads me to wonder if it’s not all fear. When those people I love as much as anything in the world are hurting, I become able to cope to an extent, add one more stressor and I lose my ability to do anything except look inward and fall victim to the voices and stories in my head. So now I have more work to do. I’m going to have to have a head-to-head interaction with the thing I am most fearful of. I guess this is as good a time as any to do it. I have the unwavering support of my love and a safe space to do more work. It would feel good if my unsinkable optimism was always natural and the lingering expectation of something going sideways just went away. This is the work I guess. More work on accepting the person who looks back at me in the mirror. My love once told me to stop looking in the mirror if I don’t like that person. She’s smarter than I am and sweeter too than this salty bastard.

So there you go – deep and not so deep thoughts from someone who is still trying to figure it out. It feels like the answer is close enough, every time Jimmy and I get close, I back away and protect myself again. I want so much to put this away and get to the other side of it. It’s like 90% of the time I’m good, but the 10% causes more trouble than it’s worth.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to try to be kind to myself and others while doing the work and continuing to be empathetic for those people who need care and love. I hope if you’re reading this you can do the same. We need more kindness and love in the world.

Serenity, Peace and Joy

About 3ish weeks ago, mid-November I started a new job. It was the culmination of many months of being out of work and the rollercoaster of looking for a job, interviewing, talking about myself and trying to come off as cogent and responsible while not seeming too much like a douchebag. It’s like speed dating, only with a little more at stake when you have responsibilities to people and financial institutions. It’s nice to have that chapter closed and move into the next chapter work-wise.

I approached my job search as one does, with intent and maximum effort. I allocated blocks of time searching out opportunities, reached out to my network of peers and friends and had many interviews. As anyone who’s done this knows, the ups and downs of the process are a grind. Highs and potential are highs and repeated rejection is a low. Throughout this process I trusted the universe and felt like I would end up where I needed to be. In the end, that is exactly what happened. I landed at a small startup (I’m employee #37!) surrounded by a small group of kind, focused and diligent folks who share the same vision. I am on a team. Typing those words gives me goosebumps – these are GOOD PEOPLE and I feel so fortunate to have this opportunity.

The opportunity, as I see it is limitless. More important to me though is every voice at the table is heard. Everyone has something to contribute. There’s no predetermined plan, no egos from the top down. It’s just the work. Basic blocking and tackling, wash, rinse, repeat. In the weeks since I’ve started I’ve worked longer days and created/accomplished more than I thought were possible. I’ve had more fun, more success more impact than I thought was possible. In short, it’s been good. Better than I could have imagined even in my wildest dreams. I have meaningful work with the potential of hanging up my spurs someday in a much different place than I started my career. Even the notion of that seems far away and yet now more of a reality. More good stuff!

This goodness has been pervasive (I like that word used positively) lately. The day prior to my start date I shared with my love how an anvil could have fallen from the sky and killed me that day and I would have died a very happy man. 3 weeks later on a quiet Saturday morning with coffee and my dog at my feet, I can say the very same thing. I feel a level of joy and contentment I don’t know that I’ve ever felt before. Just sitting with myself I am content, if not happy to embrace what’s happening now, today without looking backwards and beating myself up for yesterday. Tomorrow is on the horizon, there are trips and plans, but being present in the moment has priority. Today is good.

Earlier in the week, I was speaking to my therapist Ray Brown about how things seem to be falling in place. In my groove of not taking things personally, about leaning back and letting the madness go on by me. Certainly, there are things that are stressful. Life hasn’t just turned into a world of pillows, puppies and happiness. Real life is happening. People I love are still suffering loss, life continues to throw curveballs, the global pandemic is still having an effect on everything. However, in the middle of this hurricane of life, I feel centered and content in my space and more importantly in my own skin.

I am able to love and be loved, Able to let go, be in the moment and experience what’s happening around me with a happy and grateful heart. This post was inspired by my need to share how I’m feeling today. It was meant as a small sentence to share with the person who has transformed how I perceive the world around me, to the person I turn to most times before I speak to Ray. In the end I guess it turned out to be less salty and sweeter post. I don’t really mind reporting good stuff for a change. The loneliness I’ve been feeling has gone away, I have myself to keep me company.

If you’re reading this and have troubles, or know someone who is suffering, be kind (to them or yourself). Give the person looking back at you in the mirror a break. Love, forgive, be someone’s rock, be your own rock. Love large and forgive quickly. Above all else, stay a little salty and enjoy life.

Isolation

Over the weekend I started another lap around the sun, fresh and new. I had those people I love most close to me and heard from many friends and family members by text, Facebook message, WhatsApp and even an actual phone call right on time when I was born 51 years ago.

The outpouring of affection wasn’t lost on me. I appreciated it very much. And yet still, despite this outpouring of affection I feel very much isolated and alone. It’s not a bad place to be necessarily, but it does get old. I live in a large house by any standards, that’s not a flex of any sort, but just a fact. When my one kiddo who’s still around is with me, there are 3 souls if you count my dog in the house and it’s still empty and quiet. I spend my days alone in silence, if I go for a walk or run I may listen to music, but I’m stuck in this place between my ears to ruminate about whatever pops in my head.

The rumination isn’t always negative, sometimes I can be very present in the moment and not think, as weird as that may sound, being present in the moment helps, focused on breathing, the weather, the sound of the birds, etc…. In the end, when my walk/run is done, I walk up my front steps, back into my too big for me house and sit alone. In front of a screen or book eventually and always alone.

I’m so tired of this feeling of isolation. Maybe it’s COVID that’s exacerbated the isolation. We can’t see facial features behind our masks, we can’t touch, hug, or shake hands. As a society we’ve taken to moving like icebergs in a store, keeping distance, being mindful and respectful of space so as to keep each other safe. This distance though, has a downside. As hard as it is for me to characterize something as negative, the distance increases isolation. The isolation comes and it feels like it’s always fully present. There are spurts where it doesn’t feel that way and I try to abide in those times whenever I can. But it always comes back.

Maybe I need a new hobby, it’s getting cooler outside and sporting clays will come back into play again. My yard needs working on if I can find the mechanical tools to plug and seed in the fall. There are certainly things to do and things that need doing. I just wish they didn’t always only get done by me and only me. Perhaps I need to be satisfied internally by a job well done and not feel the need to share or connect with someone else. Maybe that need to connect is what drives my silly habit of sharing things I’ve cooked. Again – who knows if it’s bad or good – it just is.

So once again, I’ve written from the hip, of how I’m feeling, this time isolated and alone. Despite those feelings, I am aware of how fortunate I really am. I am loved, cared for and respected. By any and all measures I am rich in good fortune and love. I just wish I didn’t feel so alone.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to try to be someone’s rock, a port in the storm. A quiet and open mind and ear to listen and console. I’ll try to be kind to myself as I expect others to be of themselves. I’ll stay a little salty because it brings out the sweet.

Fuckit…..

I’m not feeling very well recently. I’m tired, worn out and I’m rapidly losing my ability to be anything beyond either emotionally distant or empathetic. After 4 days of not really sleeping coming off of two weeks of crazy emotional ups and downs I am left in this place where I’m somewhere between anger and sheer exhaustion. I could be angry, but it takes too much energy.

I am lonely. While I don’t require anyone else to make me feel better or cheer me up, I am realizing the sheer enormity of time I spend on my own. It would be one thing If I were getting anything done, but that’s not the case. More or less, it feels as if I’m holding space, burning time for someone else’s benefit. Kids have task’s they need dad for, there’s finding work and waiting on someone else’s schedule. There’s stepping around the eggshells of my family’s insecurity’s, being sure not to have any kind of intelligent conversation with anyone. Any real conversation usually devolves into a polemic about all things we disagree on. I’m nearly 51 years old and somehow, my needs, my thoughts, my emotions are too much, not enough or just wrong.

The one bright spot for me has been caring for my mom who’s just had major surgery. It’s like caring for a toddler who’s up multiple times a night. I enjoy being able to fuss over her and make sure she’s fed and watered, that her medications are delivered on time and being able to keep an eyeball on her to gauge her progress now 9 days post-surgery. She’s made remarkable progress in that time. It hasn’t come without a price to my own sanity though. When I do get a break, it’s not really much of a break, run some errands in the evening and not get any downtime, maybe a beer at the local brewery, of course, alone.

The worst aspect of this all is the network or fabric I tend to depend on is stretched thin or just plain unavailable. There has been a fair amount of illness and death in the last month amoung those people I turn to. As is my tendency, I don’t want to impose on anyone who really just needs everyone around them to listen and let them be how they need to be. What do you do when you yourself are in trouble and can’t show up as your best self? It’s not for lack of trying, I am literally doing the best I’m able right now and it isn’t working.

This post – like my mood is shitty. I feel less like someone else’s rock and more like a millstone around someone’s neck. My tank is empty and it’s hard to be kind to others, much less kind to myself. I’m hoping this dark cloud moves away, yeah the sun is shining behind it, but oy vey does the rain suck.

Happy endings and not so happy endings….

I’ve been on a kick lately binging old re-runs of Anthony Bourdain’s ‘Parts Unknown’ and enjoying it. I’ve written about Tony in the past, if you’ve ever experience deep depression and you’re good at faking things, you can see his ups and downs through the show. It wasn’t before I had experienced deep depression and the struggle of managing it that I have come to recognize it in others. Not quite the superpower I wished for, but it is helpful at times.

I don’t know if I’m weird in that I can identify with this guy who was 12 years older than me or if it’s wishful thinking that I do and have anything in common with him at all. Anthony Bourdain was a troubled and tormented soul. Whoever looked back at him in the mirror was, to use his words, a charlatan, a phony. Someone who was going to fake you into believing everything was ok, then he was going to steal your ice cream and pop your balloon. I know this guy as he was represented in me, I am taking a leap that Tony felt this way too.

For a good long while I didn’t like the person looking back in the mirror at me. He was fat, had middle aged acne, a weird sense of humor and a funny laugh. He was a liar, he put things in neat little boxes and was good at keeping all the plates spinning until he wasn’t. He was always putting on a brave face and rarely if ever let anyone see the damage or the pain right under the surface. I imagine to some extent, this is the life Tony lived. Yes, he had huge talents and was this gigantic personality, but under all of it was, as I imagine, this kid who didn’t quite fill into the body of work. The man in the mirror he saw was not the guy we all saw and appreciated.

With a new movie coming out July 16^th called ‘Road Runner’ a biography of Tony this feels like as good a time as any to discuss that dichotomy of who we are and who others think we are and how we find a space to hear those people who love us. Over and over again, in Parts Unknown we see Tony give a huge amount of respect and outright love to everyone, he’s self-less in his apparent appreciation of the role he was able to play. If you watch the show, his dear friends are all effusive at how much they love him, his old pals regale him with old stories and they share deep ideas. I can’t help but imagine how anyone must have felt in his presence, even if they were old friends. It’s my hope that in those small places, Tony felt comfortable and able to share who he was to those he knew so well. As I’m prone to do, I may be projecting myself a little bit here, for me when I’m in my safe zone, that is with my dear friends who have seen me at my very best and worst, you know who I’m speaking of, those friends who love you when you can’t love yourself. The ones who accept you for you. I know myself, it’s in that space where I feel the most accepted and loved.

As I was reading a review of this upcoming movie, there’s an article in the Washington Post where they share an interview between Tony and his childhood idol, Iggy Pop. He asks the former punk rocker “What thrills you now?” ‘Being Loved’ is Iggy’s response. The article goes on to discuss how Tony missed this response as if it bounced off of him rather than land.

I know for myself, there was a time when ‘Being Loved’ seemed like it was always there for someone else, it was a nice notion, but it wasn’t for me. I wished as hard as I was able and the cynic in me just kept telling me it was fruitless. As Tony would say, there are no happy endings.

To my surprise as the universe would have it, somewhere along the way over the last 6-ish months I turned a corner and don’t seem to mind the guy looking back at me. Being loved isn’t such a foreign concept either and hearing affirmative things is getting easier. I do still struggle from time to time with negative thinking and dark thoughts, but I find myself in a place where there is space to share and heal. A chance to re-wire old thoughts and memories and put them in perspective while being intentional about making new memories. Being Intentional about giving and receiving kindness wherever possible has been key.

I will continue to watch ‘Part Unknown’ and look to see where Tony takes me and analyze his ups and downs. I will try to learn from what I observe and at least try not to emulate his life in its self-destructive coping mechanisms. I understand those things all too well. Somehow, this man who I never knew in his life and his death has shared a little insight into my own madness and given me some sense of what to do and what not to do. In the end, I like to think Tony was impulsive in taking his own life, I think it’s an impulse that for many, as Camus discusses in his book about suicide, is the most rational thing you can consider once you make up your mind.

My experience with rational and irrational thoughts of suicide have changed since a particular day roughly 11 months ago. I have been transformed and had I acted on my impulse then, I would have missed out on all the goodness that has unfolded before me. The sense of belonging and being valued is new to me and yet not quite lost on me either. This goodness that I’m not sure ‘I deserve’, has certainly transformed my expectations as well as my outlook. I can accept this goodness and enjoy the peace it brings me.

I for one wish Tony had made a different rational thought. Having written the goodbye note myself, literally scratching at the paper with the pen for relief, I know that space, or at least the space that precedes it. I hope that if you’re reading this and have been in that space before, or recently, that you find someone, anyone who you can confide in and make a call for help.

If you find yourself in this space – hope isn’t dangerous – it’s life saving…. if need be contact me through this space!

With this utterly too long post I will take my deep (and not so deep thoughts) and ask you to be kind to yourself and others. Love freely and forgive yourself as well as everyone else. We’re all doing the best we can. When you can, be someone’s rock and safe shelter. Shake your ass and make someone giggle. We will all be better for it!

Most of all stay salty, if not a little spicy!

Best of Intentions and Trust…

Today I read an article regarding our former President and how he was informed by a Black Secret Service agent on his detail, that having a rally in Tulsa on Juneteenth was “Very Offensive” and not that much later the former President tweeted (of course) that he wished to change the date of the rally. (https://news.yahoo.com/trump-changed-date-juneteenth-tulsa-093404011.html)

If this story were to be true, it would reveal in this person (for whom I have almost zero regard) either he’s not the narcissist he has been portrayed as and has actual feelings and concerns for those around him or that he’s a cunning tactician/politician. Although I’m split on this one, as I’m very openly not a fan, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe he actually holds/held regard for what this holiday meant to that one man and changed his rally date so as to not be offensive to this agent or others. I want to believe somewhere in that vessel of big macs and diet coke resides a teeny tiny soul (you should see tiny hands holding a tiny soul ;-)) who has regard for others, not just himself.

I bring this up because I just had a relatively hard/easy conversation with someone I care very deeply for and it was perhaps one of those everyone is in their own minds (let’s be clear it was THIS JACKASS not anyone else) kind of conversations whereby flags go up and everything is in question when in reality nothing was in question but the question (or the statement not uttered in the first place). I was not my best person earlier this week, I had a manic episode earlier in the week which lasted all of about 3 minutes. Then there were reverberations on the same subject of feeling unimportant. All ego driven and poor execution on my part, but no less real in how I felt. I don’t like it and if I’m going to ‘polish the turd’ which I shat, you could argue instead of swallowing it and rolling on down the line, I brought it up. Not necessarily in the right way but we had the conversation. I feel better, it’s my hope we both feel better. I think we both feel better. Thankfully my partner is direct and understanding of my foibles.

For my part, even though I’ve identified the trigger, I tried as best I’m able to convey how I won’t let time go by when I’m not feeling well and just ask the damn question. This is a new space for me and one I value as much as I value anything. It feels very safe, more-so even now as I type this. After the earlier episode, I am considering some means of managing myself either naturally (exercise and diet) or chemically (meds again). My sense is the natural option is the way to go but I’m not too proud to not go back on the meds. Rocco and I are still discussing…TBD

What’s overwhelmingly obvious is we never know what’s going on with someone else or where their mind is or has been, we can only trust. We can also ask what’s up and trust the answer will maybe make us or maybe them feel better. Just as I want to trust/believe the former Cheeto-In-Chief has a soul, as much as we’re able to trust anyone, the stories in our minds as we have played them out sometimes reveal a very ugly side of who we are. I’m no different from anyone else really and its hard work to not take things personally, it’s hard work to always be calm and accepting of what we can’t change. We need kindness, love, grace and a veritable TRUCKLOAD of patience. Thankfully these things are available to me freely. I belong.

I am the luckiest person I know right now. Things are good. Not pie-in-the-sky manic good either, just good. Grounded good. Consistent good. The bounce back after the episode didn’t leave me wracked with guilt nor did I once create a storyline in my head regarding my own self-worth. I knew once the trigger was identified what had happened. My execution was off, but we’re all a work in progress doing as well as we can.

Maybe this one is a repeat and you’ve already seen it – I can’t ever stop being astonished and I want to tell everyone, all the time.

With that I’ll leave you to be kind to yourself, be someone’s rock or place of shelter, an Oak in a windstorm to hang onto.

Love freely and openly and don’t ever stop turning towards those you love with open arms and heart.